TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Fanboy Syndrome.

A boy needs role models, not undefinable mancrushes. Dirk Benedict, or as you may know him, The Faceman, Lt. Starbuck, has certainly done his share of damage on many males ability to ever break free from the chains of being an eternal "fanboy". The "hook" of falling for one heroic character begets an ugly chain reaction: A boy's love for Sci-fi and comic books, better known as "total lameness". It can quite possibly doom a man to a life of perpetual virginity, terrible hygene, and arthritic wrists (and a massive tissue paper and hand lotion bill to boot). Not me, I was able to move on to other things, such as a secret crush on cheese toast. It took me years (like three), but I triumphed.

Battlestar Galactica was the refuge of the boy who had to wait years for the next Star Wars movie, or had parents that either had no clue, or were to cheap to buy Star Wars merchandise for their precious little man. I mean, Cylons are the shit, but they tend to be a tad chintzy in comparison to Boba Fett or an Imperial Stormtrooper. And I don't care how shiny your Cylon was, inevitably the Star Wars kids would steal him from you and shove it in some dog poo for you to fetch. Ok, maybe that was just me. But, you think Ewoks were gay, get a load of this: Muffit II (a robotic replacement for a daggit, of which became extinct).

While I did lose a part of my childhood to Battlestar Galactica, I was gathering subliminal information for future wet dreams by exposure to images of Athena. This is a major plus. I mean, Athena is a total babe. Princess Leia was uber hot in "Return of the Jedi", but mostly she just made me hungry for cinnamon buns. Athena was a brick-house fox from the get go. I give her 4 1/2 crunchy tube socks out of 5.

The problem with this for some men is that they collect action figures, posters, and other fanboy relics instead of going out and getting their own "Athena" for themselves for realsies. I'm still looking for my "Margret Thatcher".

Another fanboy symptom is that of obsessing over pointless minutia and trivial aspects of movie adaptations of comic books, TV episodes, editions of comic books, and "which shade of black makes me look more 'Matrixy'." "The Crow" would have also worked for that last example.

What is up with fanboy conventions? I don't get that shit at all. Who in their right nut would go to a place where there is bound to be at least one "Scanners" scale cranium popping from a debate over a pilot episode's original running title? On second thought, that would be absolutely tits. I'm gonna go to the next Star Trek convention just to witness that. Anyway, my point is that no one sees fans of Perry Mason getting fat and being transiently homosexual for a weekend's worth of convention center mayhem. I mean, if there ever was to be one T.V. show worthy of going to such lengths to copy the character's and actors traits it would definitely be "Charles in Charge". Man, could you imagine what it would be like to be Willy Aames, aka "Buddy Lembeck", for a day? You don't want to know how many times I've wondered how it would have been to be the man who coined the phrase "packing the magnet".

I could go on and on about Fanboy Syndrome, but I need to at least get some freaking sleep. So, my suggestion to those who suffer from Fanboy Syndrome is to simply give your life over to a higher power, say 220 volts worth. That should reorganize your brain's configuration and wipe the slate clean. There is a reason why shock therapy still is the best treatment around for severe psychological problems, and now it isn't limited to rare forms of deep depression. Other than that you can just get a life.