Friday, April 20, 2007

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Fanboy Syndrome.

A boy needs role models, not undefinable mancrushes. Dirk Benedict, or as you may know him, The Faceman, Lt. Starbuck, has certainly done his share of damage on many males ability to ever break free from the chains of being an eternal "fanboy". The "hook" of falling for one heroic character begets an ugly chain reaction: A boy's love for Sci-fi and comic books, better known as "total lameness". It can quite possibly doom a man to a life of perpetual virginity, terrible hygene, and arthritic wrists (and a massive tissue paper and hand lotion bill to boot). Not me, I was able to move on to other things, such as a secret crush on cheese toast. It took me years (like three), but I triumphed.

Battlestar Galactica was the refuge of the boy who had to wait years for the next Star Wars movie, or had parents that either had no clue, or were to cheap to buy Star Wars merchandise for their precious little man. I mean, Cylons are the shit, but they tend to be a tad chintzy in comparison to Boba Fett or an Imperial Stormtrooper. And I don't care how shiny your Cylon was, inevitably the Star Wars kids would steal him from you and shove it in some dog poo for you to fetch. Ok, maybe that was just me. But, you think Ewoks were gay, get a load of this: Muffit II (a robotic replacement for a daggit, of which became extinct).

While I did lose a part of my childhood to Battlestar Galactica, I was gathering subliminal information for future wet dreams by exposure to images of Athena. This is a major plus. I mean, Athena is a total babe. Princess Leia was uber hot in "Return of the Jedi", but mostly she just made me hungry for cinnamon buns. Athena was a brick-house fox from the get go. I give her 4 1/2 crunchy tube socks out of 5.

The problem with this for some men is that they collect action figures, posters, and other fanboy relics instead of going out and getting their own "Athena" for themselves for realsies. I'm still looking for my "Margret Thatcher".

Another fanboy symptom is that of obsessing over pointless minutia and trivial aspects of movie adaptations of comic books, TV episodes, editions of comic books, and "which shade of black makes me look more 'Matrixy'." "The Crow" would have also worked for that last example.

What is up with fanboy conventions? I don't get that shit at all. Who in their right nut would go to a place where there is bound to be at least one "Scanners" scale cranium popping from a debate over a pilot episode's original running title? On second thought, that would be absolutely tits. I'm gonna go to the next Star Trek convention just to witness that. Anyway, my point is that no one sees fans of Perry Mason getting fat and being transiently homosexual for a weekend's worth of convention center mayhem. I mean, if there ever was to be one T.V. show worthy of going to such lengths to copy the character's and actors traits it would definitely be "Charles in Charge". Man, could you imagine what it would be like to be Willy Aames, aka "Buddy Lembeck", for a day? You don't want to know how many times I've wondered how it would have been to be the man who coined the phrase "packing the magnet".

I could go on and on about Fanboy Syndrome, but I need to at least get some freaking sleep. So, my suggestion to those who suffer from Fanboy Syndrome is to simply give your life over to a higher power, say 220 volts worth. That should reorganize your brain's configuration and wipe the slate clean. There is a reason why shock therapy still is the best treatment around for severe psychological problems, and now it isn't limited to rare forms of deep depression. Other than that you can just get a life.


Mayden's Voyage said...

You wrote,
"I give her 4 1/2 crunchy tube socks out of 5."

You kill me :)
I think I had Fanboy Syndrome- (Or maybe just a lame crush?) and I'm not sure if it isn't worse for girls...I mean, think about it:
Young handsome men, brave, take charge, wooed by beauty, perfect hair, clean hands, nicely built, and MATURE!
That MAN, in real life, does not exist. We either get hunky and dirty Grunts (if the shoe fits- by all means wear it!), or we get brainy Star Wars tennis players- who have lovely hands, but damn if they can remember to go to Great Clips every 6 weeks without being reminded! Ok- I'm now off topic- sorry :)
I mentioned you in my last post at MV- you are "offically" tagged a Thinking Blogger..but proceed how you want. I'm not as big on rules as I used to be!
;) (Did you get the CD's?)

Scary Monster said...

Crunchy tube socks, LO Fuckin L
Me gonna starch me sheets tonight thinkin about princess Leia and Athena wrestling with Boba's Fett.

The Han Solo wannabe can make time with a Muffit


vera said...

I am an adoring fan of major geeks. But I am not a fan of fanboys. Although my favourite character on the Simpsons is Comic Book Man, I have to say, I would not want to *date* Comic Book Man. I do tend to be attracted to the sort of geekiness that surrounds all of the fanboy types though. I am a borderline-fanboy fan. Guys that are into things like Star Wars, Dune, Warcraft, Computers, Sci-Fi (books and movies), Fantasy, D&D... What can I say... Someone has to love them. I just like to make sure they also know how to deoderize first!


The Grunt said...

Cora~ I totally know what you mean about fantasy vs. real life. I don't know how many hours I spent in front of a Mrs. Butterworth's syrup bottle waiting for her to come alive. I will check out your blog's tag to me. I just barely got the CD's and they rock. Expect a nice thank you email for both you and Baceman.

SM~ I said "Muffit", but something inside my brain is telling me that the monkey space dog/robot thing is actually "Daggit". I need to go and research that and change if necessary. The "crunchy tube sock" symbol is a rating system that all adolescent boys should use to determine a celebrity or character's wanking value.

Vera~ Even though I'm weird, you'd still hang with me, right?

The Grunt said...

Aha! Muffit II was created for that kid as a robot replacement for his pet daggit when they became extinct. I was in danger of getting a death threat from a fanboy for a second there.


Claire said...

Crunchy tube socks? Ahahahahahaha!


Serena Joy said...

Oh, wow, you gotta love crunchy tube socks. LOL!

Jules said...

I liked your use of colored text in this post. And that's just all I'm gonna say right now.

Chief Scientist said...

Awww man, I modelled my whole hair style after Dirk.

Why do I come here on Fridays? It always ends like this ...

Always on the Move said... sure made me laugh on this one, good thing my Cola didn't come shooting out of my nose!!! LOL!
Princess Leia made you hungry for Cinnamon Buns...enough said!!!! LOL! But then you went on to say, you'd give her 4 1/2 crunchy tube socks out of 5!
GRUNTY WHERE do you think of these things up in your little head at??? Do you do it in your sleep, on the toilet, when you're...? You sure make me giggle!!!! LOL!!!
But I think I caught onto you at the end of your post and I'm going to share your secret, and No I'm not sick....but I just caught on and I'm sharing it, you started off by saying, "...but I need to at least get some freaking sleep...say 220 volts worth." Anyone catching on here?
Crunties tired? He's either going to "bang, bang" or use a battery operating toy, that is electric and then he's going to CRASH. Then you go on to say "...shock therapy is still the best treatment around for severe psychological problems..."
Cinnamon buns and tube socks...LOL!
Enough said....
This sure is L-O-N-G!
Will you still be my Friend?!?!?!

The Grunt said...

Claire~ There is another thing you won't find on another blog, for better or for worse.

Serena~ Well, loving them is kind of the point, LOL! Ewwww, ok, that was a bad joke.

Jules~ Don't you mean "text of color"? That would be more politically correct, don't you think, whitey?

Cash~ Dirk is not gay. I mean, how can the dude on the A-Team that got all the chicks be gay? He is TIGF!!! You are welcome here anytime, Cashman.

AOTM~ I like you too.

Karyn said...


I had to stop reading right there - it's just too painful.

In fact - I think I need a little lie down over here just now...