Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I'm not ready to do any memes yet...

I need another day, Maiden, Scary Monster.

The only kind of blogging that I have been in the frame of mind to do lately is totally unstructured and random. I've got emails to write but I get down here and just blank out. I'm feeling happy, but kind of in a spaced out way. I'm lost just a tiny bit; out of control, perhaps. There are some new elements in my life that I'm sort of floating in, forgetting to take care of business due to the novel qualities of it all. I never see things coming...things like this. What things? Hell, I don't know, but they are things. I write songs about things that I have no understanding of. It kind of makes me seem like I might know something about it all, but I don't.

I need a Slim Jim and a Dew right now, but it is way too late for that kind of luscious poison.

I've turned my cell phone back on today. I go through those phases where I either don't want to have the anxiety associated with phone calls, or I rack up the bills by surfing the web with it while at work.

I used about five minutes of my day looking at the mountainside in my hometown. I marveled at how much of the terrain I had explored when I was younger. A 19-year-old kid was shooting the shit with me while I was doing this. He was telling me about a rock that he was doing some climbing on last Saturday. When I asked him to describe the rock I pointed out to him, "There, you were right there, weren't you?" I was right. I had climbed that 30 foot rock with my friends in my sophomore year while skipping school. After telling him about that wild day (I about fell to my death while climbing on top of an irrigation line to cross a ravine--50 foot drop) I went on to show him where all the little mine shafts were hidden on the mountainside. I told him about a blind chute that cut into a cliff way up on the mountain--a secret way to the top. He just sat there and was in amazement at how much I knew about this little area. I don't think there will be many kids anymore who will venture out like my friends and I did. Technology is such a great drug.

Another person at work had their spouse die. It has been the third one in two weeks. I hate signing those cards. It is so sad. What do you say, really?

I've got to spend a load of money getting new shoes for my baby. My baby sure is ugly, but damn if Clyde don't take me to cool places. After that I need to rebuild the steering box and weld up a new tail pipe. I sound like a hick, don't I? Take out your Swiss Army knife and pull out the least sharp protrusion. Shake it like you are shaking someone's hand. There, we've finally met in real life. I am not a rich man, but then again, who gives a shit.

Old growth wood vs. farm wood. Think of how long a tree in nature takes to get to where it does and then take a farm tree. The farm tree is fertilized and cultured to grow tall fast. Think about this: a 300 year old tree and a 70 year old tree are the same in stature. Which tree has the most tree rings (better wood)? The 300 year old one does, of course. What does this have to do with the price of condoms in a nightclub bathroom? Fine quality musical instruments, that's what. Essentially, you can kiss the glory days of all wooden musical instruments goodbye. What else does this mean? Wall Street bankers buying fifty year old guitars and seeing their investment go from $7,000 to $100,000+ in a matter of a decade. Last time I checked, these dudes weren't exactly musicians. The world can be so stupid. I've also wondered how much bloodshed my mahogany bodied beauties caused. Like I said, the world can be so stupid.

I'll visit all you guys soon. I wasn't that funny tonight, but I guess I didn't have to be.

Who used to take the au jus from school lunch French dip sandwiches and pretend that it was coffee?

Willy Wonka was a pedophile, straight up.

My theme song while cruising: "The Lonely Bull", Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. Put that shit on and wear some killer shades while scoping out the action on the 'varde. You will not be disappointed.

Gum drops keep falling down my pants.


The end.


vera said...

I have a Gordon Lightfoot song in my head...
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
I'd look funny bald.
The coffee-place guy told me I looked like I was in university... Thank you very much coffee-place guy!!! You win a prize!
She. Collects. Bears.
It's never too late for mystery meat and sugar.
Dill Pickle Crisps make my mouth water.
I heard that [insert random celebrity's name here] has checked into rehab. I hope [insert random celebrity's name here] will get the help they need...

Logophile said...

Im with Vera on this one, its never too late for a Dew baby.
But what up, Vault boy, are you reverting to the Dew?
I knew you would.
There is nothing like the Dew.

Dead spouses suck. Signing the card bites too.

BTW, um, I don't know if gum drops are the more logical explanation for that stickiness.

Princess Banter said...

Slim Jims and Mountain Dew -- omg, and I thought I was the only one who loves that combo! My ex-roommate hated it that I gnawed on Slim Jims when I was anxious... particularly while studying. She thought it was disgusting -- but I say she's totally missing out!!! Oh and hey, blogs are meant to be unstructured ;) My head's never structured... and arent blogs supposed to be brain dumps? :)

Crystal said...

huh? au jus?? at school??

apparently i am the hick. all we had was salisbury steak and fish sticks.

egan said...

Can man live on Dew and a Slim Jim and nothing else? I thought you were abandoning this sucker for Facebook. Have plans changed?

Karyn said...

Okay, first? I did not eat school food. Well - I did subsist in high school on fifteen cent white bread rolls and diet coke at lunch time. But that hardly counts.

Next. Johnny Depp's Wonka can be a pedophile to my Veruca Salt anytime he wants. Better if he comes as Captain Sparrow and I go as me, but whatever, I'll take what I can get.

Sympathy cards. I'm so sad for you - I'm sorry for your loss - Call me - I'm here for you - anything from intensely personal to clinical and removed, in my experience, but be sincere in whatever you say. These things tend to come in threes so perhaps you'll get a reprieve now, no?

Dude you wrote a whole paragraph about wood. I swear I saw the word "cunnilingus" in there, and I read it and reread it but damn if I can find it. What the hell. I need to have my vision checked, apparently.

One needn't be rich or beautiful, in my experience, such as it is. Ugly can be wonderful, and rich can be a burden, so what the hell. But I'm so not shaking part of a swiss army knife. I'm far too accident prone for that to be anything but a poor idea. And I just got back from a week in Hickville, yo, and I loved it there. Po-DUNK.

Gumdrops in your pants? My goodness. Well.


Jules said...

did you tell us about the gumdrops thing because you secretly wish you had Willy Wonka there?

Scary Monster said...

It all depends how you percive wealth.

You and Clyde make a great couple, now go forth and fill that passenger seat, then you'll be rich beyond the dreams of avarice.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I was a Slim Jim and Mt. Dew addict. Now it's more of a Jack Links beef jerky, pack of peanuts and diet Cherry Coke combo. I had to spice my life up a bit. Gots to have my beef and nuts! LOL.

Keshi said...

come n help me title my post then :)


Clearlykels said...

Pretending au jus is coffee. You really did live on the edge. I was thinking that you might have lived on the edge when you talked about all of that exploring you did in ravines-- but pretending that you were drinking something that has caffeine. Really, is there no end to the madness?

Claire said...

Delightfully random, sir.


PS au jus? What?

Chandra said...

"Another person at work had their spouse die. It has been the third one in two weeks. I hate signing those cards. It is so sad. What do you say, really?"

I've been on both sides of this and I don't really think there is anything to say. If it's just someone you don't even know what does it mean if you say I am here for you when you don't really even know them. The sad thing is the real friends that desert you, those are the people in your life that should be there, saying things like whenever you want to talk I am here, and if you say that mean it. If they call at 2am, talk to them, don't ignore them.

Okay I'll stop on my rampage.