Lunch Sandwich: A Western Tale

It's high noon and the search for the lost cache of gold coins in the graveyard is going nowhere fast. Tuco, "The Bad" (pictured left), is getting pretty damn hungry and starts to fix himself a sandwich using rather mysterious ingredients. Blondie (Clint), is watching Tuco closely, salivating....

Oh yeah, I could not get Eli Wallach to reprise his role of Tuco for my blog. Instead, I got Jon Lovitz to do a voice over.


Tuco is hunched over a rock with a checkered table cloth spread over it. Clucking out an annoying tune with mangled words he starts working his magic between two buns.

Blondie: "Tuco, I thought I told you to keep digging....Uh, what you got there?

Tuco: "I'm not telling! It's a secret...yes, a secret that only I and Ulysses S. Grant know about. Now go away, imbecile!"

Blondie: "That's a crock of shit and you know it. I have had it with your stories. Now, are you going tell me what you are making or am I going to have to draw my gun? Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, P..."

Grunt: "Cut! cut! Dammit, Clint! That's not the line. That's from Dirty freakin' Harry for cryin' out loud. Get with the program or get out, alright? This isn't script bebop, Clint."

Clint (Blondie): "A man's got to know his limitations."

Grunt (groaning): "Ah-ha-ha! Magnum Force, very good. Now, can we get back to the shoot?"

Jon Lovitz (to Grunt): "Yo mama!"

Grunt and Clint: "WTF???"

And rolling...

Tuco: "I'm not lying and I'll prove it, but I want a bigger cut of the gold, Blondie."

Blondie: "Normally, I'd say no to a lowly dog like you, but I am curious as to what kind of concoction your pointless genius usually comes up with. Yeah, I'll cut you in for a few dollars more."

Tuco: "Nice! Well, what I am doing is making myself a sandwich, but it is no ordinary sandwich."

Blondie: "Yes? So what makes it special, capers?"

Tuco: "Ha ha, you wish! It's the first of its kind and I invented it at the request of Mr. Grant himself. Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket! It is called the 'lunch sandwich', and it is as if God's navel had a deli and this thing fell from it to the earth."

Blondie: "Lunch Sandwich?"

Tuco: "Yes!"

Blondie: "Fell from God's navel???"

Tuco: "Triple yes!!!"

Blondie: "You must truly be a retard. Why lunch sandwich? What makes it that? There's already sandwiches that I eat for lunch. Why is this so special? How come I'm not blowing your brains out as we speak?"

Tuco: "Fool! You do not understand, and I do not wish to mince words with undersexed ranch hands toting guns. Do you know what Freud would have to say about that?"

Blondie: "I don't even know who that is."

Tuco: "Well, I am psychic and can see into the future: Freud invents a new way to tie your shoes and bob for apples, or not. You are too dumb to get it! Basically, you are a man who hides an extra-large sausage under his thinking cap, and I don't want you tipping your hat at me, Mr. Shepard's Pie."

Blondie: "Gawdammit, just get on with it...jeez!"

Tuco: "Okay, up until now people have had sandwiches at lunch time, but this was just a simple coincidence. Later on, some beautiful genius came up with the breakfast sandwich and mankind has never been the same since! Mr., what you are about to see is both ground breaking and delicious. (Uncovering his picnic basket) Behold: The lunch sandwich!"

Blondie: "Say, that looks just like a normal sandwich. Are you trying to pull a fast one on me?"

Tuco: "Nonesense! The secret lies between these two buns of joy."

Blondie: "Well, are you going to tell me what is inside this thing, or am I going to have to shoot it out of you?"

Tuco: "Always the guns with you, isn't it."

Blondie (holstering his Colt): "Happy now? Go on, what's inside the damn thing?"

Tuco (enthusiastically): "Lunch!"

Blondie: "Well, in that case, I'll have two."

Tuco: "After one bite you will worship me as your new god."

Blondie: "What?"

Tuco: "Nothing."

Just as the scene is closing Captain James T. Kirk materializes before the men: "Uniform torn. Bleeding. Breathing heavy. Must. Have. Lunch sandwich!

Tuco: "Hey man, there was only enough for me, Blondie, and some really buff dude that came by earlier."

Captain Kirk: "Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn!!!"

Fin.