Friday, April 06, 2007

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Double-Neck Guitars

One electric guitar + a dude= instant penis enlargement. If you are a dudette with an electric guitar, then you get to know what it is like to have a one-megaton phallus. But, playing a double-neck guitar is, it is wielding two, giant, fighting roosters strait outta your pelvis. Does this not appeal to you? Well, mister, it does me! Plus, Lita Ford with a double-neck is just plain hazardous to my 20/20.

First off, if you are going to sport dual cocks make sure you can handle them first. You don't want to get confused, too excited, and hurt somebody, maybe even yourself. Take a note from the double-neck god himself: Jimmy Page.

We see in this picture that he is cooley working the neck, or shaft, right under the headstock, while working the base of the 12-string section of the base, or balls of the guitar. You can see that he is working up steadily to a climax.

After building a thick, lush, foundation of rhythm with the 12-string neck, Pagey goes down on his business to the six-string. With just a few hammer ons Pagey sets the tone for the final buildup before the money shot, expertly mixing in a bit of legato and arpeggio to shake things up a bit. Notice how he is controlling his breathing, in through the nose and out with the mouth, pouting his lips just enough to keep it sexy.

He is clearly in command and not letting his wine-red mahogany Gibson EDS-1275 (the Excalibur of double necks) take over the situation. Sometimes, when the mood is just right, he might even beat it with a violin bow (I know it was just the Danny and the LP that he usually did that to, but I'm sure on special occasions it was the double-neck). When he finally climaxes, he arches back and then falls down with a salacious contentment, much like a serpent after dishing out forbidden fruit. He then smokes a cigarette, takes a swig of Jack, and then gets right back up to hit it again. Have you got all that now? Good.

Here we see an example of the evolution of the double-neck guitar, going multi-neck and bi-directional in shred master extraordinaire, Steve Vai....Steve Vai has been on and off whack and cool for me. Currently, he is whack, but at one time in my life his music used to facilitate erotic dreams for me when I listened to them while in bed.

No, I did not dream about him touching me with his magic fingers; his music just made my mind create surreal fantasy lands with all the fantasy women that my mind could conjure up. I mean, you can tell that he is about the erotic as well as love when you see him play this three-neck, heart-shaped wonder guitar. I think the third neck showcases his ambidextrous abilities, but also implies that if he were engaged in a threesome, and a stranger walked into the room, he'd be ready to kick the joint into a full-scale orgy. There's no sneaking up on this guy, I tells ya.

Now, I have given two examples of guys that could handle their mega-multi cock enhancers (that TIGF line was so redundant it's uber TIGF!!!), but I am sure you have seen many multi-neck catastrophes in the mid to late eighties with hair metal cock rockers taking over the scene. Case in point: Jim Gillette of the metal suckfest, Nitro (shown without his reasty-bitch "V" double-neck, for your own mental health). Only if Thor, Norse god of thunder, cared enough to have struck these imbeciles down. Pity, that.

In the end, the fascination with multi-neck guitars can leave a person stoned with ridicule or with a broken back. Only one man has been able to pull off the ultimate in multi-necking...

You have to not take yourself seriously and know a few cheap trick to be as cool as this guy. Honestly, do you know anyone else that could play this guitar better than him?

I didn't think so.


Scary Monster said...

Me got the feeling that a guy who has that many phallic protuberences coming out of his body will have pants that fit like a glove.

Jules said...

*Jules swallows hard*... Ummm. I have to... errrr, go.. now...

Chief Scientist said...

I resent the double neck guitar gay reference - mostly because they were cool when I was growing. But so was Robert Plant so, yeah, maybe it is gay.

Chandra said...

Have you heard the song by Jimmy Page and P diddy/daddy whatever "come with me" I LOVE LOVE LOVE that song. Maybe it's because of the guitar with the mix of dinosaur noises... rawr <3 it!!!!!

Karyn said...

Jimmy. Damn.

Was a time I could almost get off just watching him do what he does to a guitar... makes me want to be a stratacaster in my next life...

Christielli said...

That picture of Jim Gillette is hawt.

Always on the Move said..., I understand....Now I get it....I see why they move like that...I'll never look at an electric guitar the same ever again!!! It's over with now!!! LOL!
Thanks for the visuals...
And YOU play them too right????

Logophile said...

How dare you take something as pure and spiritual and turn it into an orgy of sexual perversion!
What on earth would make you do such a thing!?
Could it be SAAAYtan?

Rick Nielson is the COOOOLEST.

Sun Follower said...

the guitars are all right, daddy's all right... they just seem a little weird...surrender, surrender...

The Grunt said...

SM~ And those pants better be leather, not spandex.

Jules~ That sounds a bit hard to swallow.

Cash~ Hey, don't worry; it's only TIGF!!!

Chandra~ P-Diddy amazes me, but not in a good way.

Karyn~ So, you like that brief period near the end of Zepp where he was slinging a Strat. Nice.

Christielli~ If you frighten him he'll swing his quills at you.

AOTM~ Yeah, I play. Does that turn you on?;)

Logo~ Maybe it was Satan. I'm not telling.

Sun~ That is one of my favorite songs of all time. Thank you, dahling!

Matt said...

wrong. so so so so wrong. I am now going to stick pins in my eyes as I will never sleep.

Jules said...

Well, I suppose it depends on how big the mouthful was. ;OP

Karyn said...

I saw Page & Plant play at the Boston Garden some years ago... Jimmy looks like hell but damn, to watch the man play still made my spine go to custard... umm.