TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Double-Neck Guitars

One electric guitar + a dude= instant penis enlargement. If you are a dudette with an electric guitar, then you get to know what it is like to have a one-megaton phallus. But, playing a double-neck guitar is like...no, it is wielding two, giant, fighting roosters strait outta your pelvis. Does this not appeal to you? Well, mister, it does me! Plus, Lita Ford with a double-neck is just plain hazardous to my 20/20.

First off, if you are going to sport dual cocks make sure you can handle them first. You don't want to get confused, too excited, and hurt somebody, maybe even yourself. Take a note from the double-neck god himself: Jimmy Page.

We see in this picture that he is cooley working the neck, or shaft, right under the headstock, while working the base of the 12-string section of the base, or balls of the guitar. You can see that he is working up steadily to a climax.

After building a thick, lush, foundation of rhythm with the 12-string neck, Pagey goes down on his business to the six-string. With just a few hammer ons Pagey sets the tone for the final buildup before the money shot, expertly mixing in a bit of legato and arpeggio to shake things up a bit. Notice how he is controlling his breathing, in through the nose and out with the mouth, pouting his lips just enough to keep it sexy.

He is clearly in command and not letting his wine-red mahogany Gibson EDS-1275 (the Excalibur of double necks) take over the situation. Sometimes, when the mood is just right, he might even beat it with a violin bow (I know it was just the Danny and the LP that he usually did that to, but I'm sure on special occasions it was the double-neck). When he finally climaxes, he arches back and then falls down with a salacious contentment, much like a serpent after dishing out forbidden fruit. He then smokes a cigarette, takes a swig of Jack, and then gets right back up to hit it again. Have you got all that now? Good.

Here we see an example of the evolution of the double-neck guitar, going multi-neck and bi-directional in shred master extraordinaire, Steve Vai....Steve Vai has been on and off whack and cool for me. Currently, he is whack, but at one time in my life his music used to facilitate erotic dreams for me when I listened to them while in bed.

No, I did not dream about him touching me with his magic fingers; his music just made my mind create surreal fantasy lands with all the fantasy women that my mind could conjure up. I mean, you can tell that he is about the erotic as well as love when you see him play this three-neck, heart-shaped wonder guitar. I think the third neck showcases his ambidextrous abilities, but also implies that if he were engaged in a threesome, and a stranger walked into the room, he'd be ready to kick the joint into a full-scale orgy. There's no sneaking up on this guy, I tells ya.

Now, I have given two examples of guys that could handle their mega-multi cock enhancers (that TIGF line was so redundant it's uber TIGF!!!), but I am sure you have seen many multi-neck catastrophes in the mid to late eighties with hair metal cock rockers taking over the scene. Case in point: Jim Gillette of the metal suckfest, Nitro (shown without his reasty-bitch "V" double-neck, for your own mental health). Only if Thor, Norse god of thunder, cared enough to have struck these imbeciles down. Pity, that.

In the end, the fascination with multi-neck guitars can leave a person stoned with ridicule or with a broken back. Only one man has been able to pull off the ultimate in multi-necking...

You have to not take yourself seriously and know a few cheap trick to be as cool as this guy. Honestly, do you know anyone else that could play this guitar better than him?

I didn't think so.