I think my cell phone is mocking me. It started playing a taunting jingle at me one night. It was that Harry Nilsson/Three Dog Night number "One" and it kept playing it over and over. I answered the phone, and to my surprise, I was on the other line.
Me: "What you doing up so late, Grunty?"
Me (for realsies): Um, I was just sitting around feeling stupid and lonely. I think an emotional hybrid of the two called 'flupie'. Yes, that's it, flupie."
Me: "Well, you are just sitting there in your undies doing nothing--I'm doing nothing--so, waddya say, huh?"
Me (for realsies): "What are you suggesting?"
Me: "I'm kind of lonely myself and I hear you are the best dirty talker in town. I could come over and see if that rumor is true."
Me (creeped out for realsies): This is some pretty effed up "The 6th Day" Arnie Schwarzenegger shit happening right here, Maht. Naw, I don't like to think I'm literally making love to myself when that goes down, brother."
Me: "Hey, it was just an idea. There's another plan."
Me (skeptical for realsies): "Yeah, what's that, a monkey in a tutu and a branding iron?"
Me: "No. You just don't trust yourself, do you. Our friend, Scott Baio, is in town and he is bringing the two girls from "Charles in Charge". I'm thinking we can distract Scott with some rock, and while he's hitting the pipe, we, as in me, can get it on with the goils, hehgehgehgehgeh! Oh, I cracks meeself ups. Scooodebedoodadooh, *toot-toot*"
Me (impressed for realsies): Wow, I thought my Popeye sucked ass until I heard it from you. Uh, me? Anyway, get me the hookup, Grunt. I'm so there."
Me: "Shit yah, bro. I got it all set. Wear your water wings."
3 years ago