So, it will be a post of a most random nature.
I changed my Youtube sidebar dealy again. It's Ian Dury and the Blockheads performing "Sex & Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll". Ian is my favorite funky cockney, or "Fockney". Um, or hows about this: funk=stank, so you can be a cockney stank, or for short, Cankney? Maybe Gentleman Hobbs can do a riff on this song--another being gifted with the "rhyme".
I know that when you enter Gruntonia some of my stories can sound far fetched. All are based on true events, and some are accurate to a "t", unless it is so silly your dog gets it. Satirical autobiography is somewhat of a high art that I have been gifted with. It doesn't surprise me that I get second guessed on some of the things that I write about. Take, for example, the previous post: I was really in my early twenties (21) when I got that poster, but I was merely riffing on the absurdity of poster love, teen fashion/cliques, and part requiem for Miss Smith. If any of you are unsatisfied with the Gruntonian spin, then shoot me an email and I can fill your mind further with boutique bullshit. Yeah, I'll sell it and you'll buy it. No, I can give you the facts, only after I have my fun first. Some of my most outlandish posts are direct tellings of events, believe it or not, and that is what I do most of the time. I repeat, this stuff is born of reality and spun like golden thread into the absurd posts you've grown to love me for. P.S. I live in many realities.
True life dream, for realsies: REO Speedwagon and Susan Hoffman of the Bangles uniting to make a pop supergroup, which ended in controversy when Kevin Cronin left the lineup over the heartbreak of being rejected by Susan Hoffman. This was a real honest to gosh dream I had, for realsies! They even played a "new" song, which I later determined, after having woke up, was in fact "Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne. Why was I dreaming about all of this? I have no clue. I haven't listened to REO Speedwagon or Susan Hoffman much at all recently and am not much of a fan of either of them. I do like old Jackson Browne, though. So, I'd like to ask this question: WTF, brain???
For realsies....Why do I use this? Is it for humorous reasons? Am I just indulging in a bit of infantile jargon, or as my Sociology professor would say, argot? Hmmmm, I am not sure, but I do enjoy that word, for realsies! I think I will start to incorporate more of this style into my writing. Help me out; give me some ideas.
Have you ever been trapped in a situation where it was really, really inappropriate to laugh, but something happens that pretty much makes you want to laugh so hard that to not laugh means certain death? Well, that happened to me today.
I will, on occasion, attend a church service to appease the family. I was, in this situation, in a gathering of men where a leader was engaged in lengthy, serious prayer and ordinance. This is a situation that makes me wish I were somewhere else, like getting an embryonic form of some gastrointestinal distress at a local choke and puke.
Ok, back to the story, we were sitting down on metal folding chairs. We all had our heads bowed in solemn prayer. Right in front of me was a smiling mentally handicapped man. This meeting was to run for about an hour. So, on with the ceremony: Heads bowed. A minute into this thing and the man in front of me lets out a massive fart. Not only was it louder than hell, but right in my face and lasted a good three seconds. The metal folding chair helped reverbrate the already "Gojira" like flatulence (see here and here for more on Gojira the movie and the band). So, I spend the initial moment in shock and disgust, then the rest of the hour trying not to laugh hysterically.
I tried covering up the occasional titter with a cough or deep sigh. I was praying to God to help me not to laugh. That didn't work, so I then started praying to Odin, Vishnu, Tezcatlipoca (Aztec god of discord, which was just asking for it). None provided me with any protection from Satan's imps that he delivered to keep replaying that epic cacophony experienced earlier. Hell, taking a cue from Homer Simpson, I even tried praying to Jebus, for crying out loud!
The longer I got from the incident, the more I fretted over laughing. If I laughed right when it happened I could see people giving me some kind of pass. Ten or twenty minutes down the road my laughing would surely have made them believe I was mentally unstable--which is still being discussed by a group of research psychiatrists working in Switzerland. The biggest problem for me was that everyone else seemed so damn unflappable. Which made me think, Why am I the only one here all "caca funny"?
Although I almost couldn't bear it any longer, I made it through the service without bursting out in laughter. I ran to my truck and started into violent fits of laughter. I recognized that this still would look wrong, so I drove of as fast as I could in tears, spitting all over my dashboard from my outbursts.
This is not an isolated incident for me. It is a problem I have: laughing at the most inappropriate times. I feel pretty good about myself that I maintained today. My stomach hurts so bad now. Anyone else have stories to tell like this?
3 years ago