Monday, February 12, 2007

Honestly, I don't have a clue what to write about, Kiddies

So, it will be a post of a most random nature.

I changed my Youtube sidebar dealy again. It's Ian Dury and the Blockheads performing "Sex & Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll". Ian is my favorite funky cockney, or "Fockney". Um, or hows about this: funk=stank, so you can be a cockney stank, or for short, Cankney? Maybe Gentleman Hobbs can do a riff on this song--another being gifted with the "rhyme".

I know that when you enter Gruntonia some of my stories can sound far fetched. All are based on true events, and some are accurate to a "t", unless it is so silly your dog gets it. Satirical autobiography is somewhat of a high art that I have been gifted with. It doesn't surprise me that I get second guessed on some of the things that I write about. Take, for example, the previous post: I was really in my early twenties (21) when I got that poster, but I was merely riffing on the absurdity of poster love, teen fashion/cliques, and part requiem for Miss Smith. If any of you are unsatisfied with the Gruntonian spin, then shoot me an email and I can fill your mind further with boutique bullshit. Yeah, I'll sell it and you'll buy it. No, I can give you the facts, only after I have my fun first. Some of my most outlandish posts are direct tellings of events, believe it or not, and that is what I do most of the time. I repeat, this stuff is born of reality and spun like golden thread into the absurd posts you've grown to love me for. P.S. I live in many realities.

True life dream, for realsies: REO Speedwagon and Susan Hoffman of the Bangles uniting to make a pop supergroup, which ended in controversy when Kevin Cronin left the lineup over the heartbreak of being rejected by Susan Hoffman. This was a real honest to gosh dream I had, for realsies! They even played a "new" song, which I later determined, after having woke up, was in fact "Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne. Why was I dreaming about all of this? I have no clue. I haven't listened to REO Speedwagon or Susan Hoffman much at all recently and am not much of a fan of either of them. I do like old Jackson Browne, though. So, I'd like to ask this question: WTF, brain???

For realsies....Why do I use this? Is it for humorous reasons? Am I just indulging in a bit of infantile jargon, or as my Sociology professor would say, argot? Hmmmm, I am not sure, but I do enjoy that word, for realsies! I think I will start to incorporate more of this style into my writing. Help me out; give me some ideas.

Have you ever been trapped in a situation where it was really, really inappropriate to laugh, but something happens that pretty much makes you want to laugh so hard that to not laugh means certain death? Well, that happened to me today.

I will, on occasion, attend a church service to appease the family. I was, in this situation, in a gathering of men where a leader was engaged in lengthy, serious prayer and ordinance. This is a situation that makes me wish I were somewhere else, like getting an embryonic form of some gastrointestinal distress at a local choke and puke.

Ok, back to the story, we were sitting down on metal folding chairs. We all had our heads bowed in solemn prayer. Right in front of me was a smiling mentally handicapped man. This meeting was to run for about an hour. So, on with the ceremony: Heads bowed. A minute into this thing and the man in front of me lets out a massive fart. Not only was it louder than hell, but right in my face and lasted a good three seconds. The metal folding chair helped reverbrate the already "Gojira" like flatulence (see here and here for more on Gojira the movie and the band). So, I spend the initial moment in shock and disgust, then the rest of the hour trying not to laugh hysterically.

I tried covering up the occasional titter with a cough or deep sigh. I was praying to God to help me not to laugh. That didn't work, so I then started praying to Odin, Vishnu, Tezcatlipoca (Aztec god of discord, which was just asking for it). None provided me with any protection from Satan's imps that he delivered to keep replaying that epic cacophony experienced earlier. Hell, taking a cue from Homer Simpson, I even tried praying to Jebus, for crying out loud!

The longer I got from the incident, the more I fretted over laughing. If I laughed right when it happened I could see people giving me some kind of pass. Ten or twenty minutes down the road my laughing would surely have made them believe I was mentally unstable--which is still being discussed by a group of research psychiatrists working in Switzerland. The biggest problem for me was that everyone else seemed so damn unflappable. Which made me think, Why am I the only one here all "caca funny"?

Although I almost couldn't bear it any longer, I made it through the service without bursting out in laughter. I ran to my truck and started into violent fits of laughter. I recognized that this still would look wrong, so I drove of as fast as I could in tears, spitting all over my dashboard from my outbursts.

This is not an isolated incident for me. It is a problem I have: laughing at the most inappropriate times. I feel pretty good about myself that I maintained today. My stomach hurts so bad now. Anyone else have stories to tell like this?


Scary Monster said...

Looks like that old man hit you with his rythm stick.
Never put me in a situation that calls for complete seriousness. Me will get bored and me imagination takes over; bad news cause me never knows what stupid thing is gonna set me off.

Claire said...

I love your rambling random posts. Always good value.


Mayden's Voyage said...

The worst for me- I'm sure (and this is so terrible that I can't believe I'm telling you~) was at a funeral- for my great-uncle B.
I was sitting next to my Uncle Jerry- who is a complete ham...retired military- quickest mind of any man I know- and a sense of humor miles and miles wide.
The minister, or the speaker said something- I don't recall what...but my Uncle made a crack about whatever it was- and I just about stopped breathing from the giggle fit that came over me.
It was, at once, the funniest- and most horrible thing to happen to me. I was in tears- my make up nose was running- and about to turn blue trying to keep the laughter from volcano-ing up and out of me.
My mom gave me such a dirty look- was her brother that was making me laugh!!!
To this day- I swear- I will never sit next to Uncle Jerry at funeral again~
He is crazy...but I love him :)

Jules said...

I don't have any stories - but farts make me laugh too. What is it about a fart that's so effing funny anyway?

LindzyPinzy said...

hahah farts..that would be tough not to laugh especally if you are with a friend cause you would look at eachother than it would be 100 times harder to not burst out into laughter...but good job keeping it in you should be proud haha

cindra said...

Man, that was an exhausting post. You have a really interesting brain. Real interesting. If you pass before I do, could I have your brain to keep in a jar?

I watched Man vs. Nature on On Demand and he was in places where you've taken was pretty cool.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I suffer from the same affliction of inappropriate laughter. Try as I may, I absolutely cannot help myself! In all fairness, I laugh at everything all the time so it's only natural that I laugh when I shouldn't. And I think that things are funny even years after the fact. I can recall a funny moment and laugh like it just happened. This is a real problem for me when I am bored like on a plane or in a meeting because I tend to recall those funny past times and I almost kill myself trying to retain the laughter. When I succeed in holding it back until I can get away from the crowd and allow the dam to break releasing the pent up laughter, I am quite proud. Though it's still not a huge accomplishment really. I can't wipe the silly grin off my face. So I look insane.

Christielli said...

When I was reading who you were praying to, I was hoping you'd say Jebus and them blam! you said Jebus. Awesome.

I think you should have prayed to Ganesh.

Keshi said...

Grunty u know I laugh alot. I think Im the only blogger who wud have over-used the term 'LOL' recklessly.


Karyn said...

Um........yeah. Yeah. I get in a fair amount of trouble for inappropriate humour and or laughter. A lot.

People need to suck it up - the Lord giveth a sense of humour to some and taketh it away from others, I guess. So sayeth the guy with the sheep and the halo.

Damn, I'm punchy.

The Grunt said...

SM~ Yeah, that's another great song of his. I'm with you on being put in serious situations.

Claire~ Thanks! I'm all about value. I think I want you on my sidebar. It will be done this week.

Cora~ I think we all have our own Uncle Jerrys, and they tend to cause trouble. That funeral story is classic.

Jules~ I believe you have a quest on your hands to find out why farts are so damn funny. That, and why Walmart smells like farts, too.

Lindzy~ Yes, if I made eye contact with a friend during that moment, it would have been over for me.

Cindra~ Well, you may have my limbic system. That is cool about seeing that program. I wish I could be down there right now exploring the canyons. You and Tom are destined to see that country in person, I know it.

O-Girl~ Yes, the stupid grin. I know all about that:D

Christielli~ You and I are total Simpson geeks and proud of it. How's about I say my prayers tonight to Ganesh, eh? It's on!

Keshi~ What would I do without "LOL" you?

Karyn~ Me too. All of today was spent lying to people that I wasn't drifting off to sleep, then revealing way too much personal information to cute girls at work.

somewhere joe said...

Grunt, I was at a play in New York once, sitting in the darkend audience when during a very melodramatic moment, a gentleman in the audience, perhaps a bit tipsy, started to titter. The actress onstage heard him. But the more dramatic and distraught she became, the funnier it seemed, and the more the guy laughed. You know how infectious that can be. Soon several people near him were snorting and suppressing guffaws. Each new line, steeped in ever deepening passion and panic, and seemingly comic undercurrents, brought new chortles. Mercifully, the scene ended before total hysteria broke out.

I think that sometimes laughter, especially the uncontrollable and seemingly profane kind, is the joy of the spirit rebelling against phony solemnity. Church, of course, is exceptionally fertile ground. I suspect that in the right kind of church, with the right pastor, it would be allowed to play out and taken in stride. I've known one or two who would probably even join in.

"...the Lord giveth a sense of humour to some and taketh it away from others, I guess. So sayeth the guy with the sheep and the halo." Karyn, you're on it!

vera said...

i like laughing at words like:


Trundling Grunt said...

Ok, that's one cool video. I miss him.