Sunday, June 01, 2008

The weekend: featuring desperate ramblings and retelling of events!

Friday night was absolutely horrible for me. I was talking out loud to myself, God, and the window. I even tried to communicate telepathically with the neighbors dog, Cooper--anything to get some answers or relief from my troubles. Everything at my work has become stupid, stupid, stupid. There's bosses fighting with bosses. I've always worked hard at my stupid monkey job and done what I was told to do and now everything is supposedly wrong. Don't they know that I don't get paid enough to give a shit? They know what I am going through, too, and it doesn't seem to stop them from wanting me to get involved in their battles with each other or to cover their asses. Honestly, I've never been one to break down, throw a fit, and cry on the job, but I came close on Friday. I don't know how much more of this stupidness I can take. I wish to God in heaven that I didn't need health insurance.

Waiting for the next step in my health saga continues, as I have not heard back from my insurance company yet. I did get some good news though. A leader from a local church here has assured me financial support, should things make a turn for the worse. I know that there are a lot of things to bash on with religion, but I have found through this ordeal that for every one religious nut that there are ten others who want to do right--and out of that group there are a few that actually do something good. People believing in something can be very powerful and very good. If a person believes in little people that live in the woods but that belief causes them to do good and to live the best that they can, well, I am all for it. That's actually a Disney movie, if I can recall--Darby O'Gill and the Little People, I believe.

Saturday I was supposed to put on my brave face and go to a belated wedding party of a girl that I dated about a year ago. I didn't go, after all. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with any possible complications or awkwardness. Believe me, she probably doesn't give two thoughts about it. I, on the other hand, carry things like this around for years. It's really hard for me to get involved with women because of this. Instead, one of my married friends took pity on my soul and hung out with me. I've got to thank his wife for letting him do so.

First thing my BFF and I did was have a jam session on guitars. He showed me his new Fender Stratocaster. I congratulated him on joining the Strat club. We did an amp swap, where I will be working on his amplifier that he got second hand--I think a team of chimpanzees soldered it together. It should sound like a bourbon-soaked banshee after I get done with it. After that we headed into town to fill up on dolmathes and hit the Sam Weller bookstore on Main, possibly the best bookstore ever. I picked up an awesome book called, Bigfoot: I not dead, by Graham Roumieu. When I took it to the counter for purchase, the lady working the till says to me, "I like book", and we both had a good chuckle. Later on that night I saw a great little movie called Son of Rambow. Go see it if it's showing at a theater near you.

Today, I watched a clip of Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture. It was something that my dearest webbernets friend Christielli wanted me to check out. Actually, she wanted me to check out the book, but because I usually need a book with lots of pretty pictures in it, I decided to check out the video clip first. Pausch is dying from pancreatic cancer and is taking it like a man. So, a guy like me who has had a life threatening disease, and still faces uncertainty regarding said disease, this was, needless to say (a comma happy sentence?) something that spoke to me.

Having not slept well this past week, I passed out on the couch with the TV on for three hours. I really didn't want to waste the day like this, but I felt so weak. When I woke up, I was even weaker and more tired than before. I decided that the best remedy was to take a walk up the creek to a pond and see if there were any aliens in the woods that would whisk me away off of this planet--you know, for research. They weren't biting. I guess, despite my old truck and small income, my intelligence level screws up my white trash credentials. You know how much those aliens like white trash. I guess if I drank or got high, I could have imagined that it all happened. Oh well, here's to clean living. I guess I'll have to rely on my mental health deteriorating to the point of delusions before I can go to "outer space".

I watched a couple of DVD's. I finally saw Atonement and the phrase "Cecillia, noooo!" has replaced "I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!!!" as my favorite thing to say from a movie. I also watched the Western, Going South, today. It's the one with Jack Nicholson starring and Mary Steamvirgin, or whatever, in it. I got a kick out of Jack's performance, as always. Now I am here, typing, hoping to hell that I can beat the inevitability of that one constant: the dreaded Monday back at work.

Where's my fucking ruby slippers?


Diane Mandy said...

I can just feel the anguish (justifiable anguish) in this post. I am so sorry. I hope you get some positive answers soon!

Julie Schuler said...

It stinks that you are trapped at your job because of the insurance. Maybe you should quit your job and just hold spaghetti dinner fundraisers? I'll bring the sauce if you grow a long, twirly mustache and wear a chef's hat.

I've often considered going to church, just because I miss being around old Polish people. All mine are dead. Maybe I could find a nice babysitter there, too.

Ruby slippers reminded me that I watched Wild at Heart last night. I still think it's one of my favorite films, even though it's goofy and psychologically clunky. It's worth it, just for the Crispin Glover and Willem Defoe parts.

Hope you can batter your way through this Monday and get some sleep.

Autumn Storm said...

When it rains, it pours. Sigh, feel for you. People can be selfish and self-absorbed. Here you are with a filter that brings it to the forefront of your mind that there are big things and there are little things and others are bringing the little things into focus. Hopefully this weekend will have calmed them down somewhat so that work can be a little easier on you.
Saw Pausch a few months ago, amazing man. Inspirational. You have been too.

megatropolis said...

If it makes yyou feel any better, I started crying while I was mixing grout yesterday. It lasted for about 15 seconds and kind of took me by surprise, but I can only hope that it'll make my grout totally awesome... Have you seen Like Water for Chocolate? Yeah, kinda like that.

Despite my "issues" with my religion, the majority of people in my ward are actually really great. They even brought dinners for two weeks when Emma was sick... EVEN when I don't go to church anymore. That's devine!

Ironically enough, The Last Lecture is what I am currently reading... it's a small world.

Hang in there my little Grunty Poo. Just remember: When in doubt, eat cookies. xoxo

Melliferous Pants said...

I'm glad you didn't go the wedding - it sounded like guaranteed heart ache.

And I'm glad that you have the support from the religious folk. It's important they've got your back. Hang in there, Grunty.

Christielli said...

Glad that the video clip spoke to you. Hey, and the book does have pics in it just so you know... ;)

I'm sorry that things are sucky these days, and I'm really sorry about the whole health care insurance thing. However, I'm glad that the people at your church rock and are very supportive of you.

Was Atonement good? I kind of refuse to see it because I *hated* the book. The middle part of the book was boring, and I found the rest of it depressing, and then they threw in a fake happy ending. Frustrating. So I won't be recommending that one to you.

Secret Squirrel said...

Randy Pausch's lecture made me sob. I do not dare watch Atonement. And I haven't a clue where your ruby slippers are; have you checked the Smithsonian? Those things are always in the last place you look...

I feel for you on the job front. On the other hand, you have perspective and grace whereas these zipperheads mostly have their heads up their collective ass.

Try to take some solace in that. Or at least snicker at the visual.

Scott said...

Hope that you are doing better today. Glad to hear that the church is stepping up and going to help do the right thing. If only the Insurance companies could do the same.

Love your description of how the amp is going to sound.

Photogirl said...

There really is no need to go to weddings of people you dated. Unless it was like, 10 years ago in high school and you barely remember the person's name.


Sun Follower said...

Dude... all I got is a hug.


The Grunt said...

Hey all!

I'm a bit tired from the day and will say thanks to everyone. I might reply individually later.


tsduff said...

I am very sad to hear about your cancer - bummer all the way around. I learned of Randy P's passing - another sad thing. I seem to be surrounded by it - my coworker (42) is freshly diagnosed with a glioma or some such thing - rapidly advancing brain tumor. Your struggle seems much more encouraging to me - as it seems you may dodge the bullets. All my best to you.