Tuesday, June 17, 2008


I was mugged once when I lived in Sheffield, England. I always have wondered what those two hooligans did with my Social Security card, Barclay's bank card, buss pass, and my driver's licenses. They can keep my library card. Have any of you had the pleasure of being mugged before? I must say that it ranks up in the top five experiences in life that suck major, unwiped ass. When I reported the crime to the police they basically laughed at me and told me to take me and my "Hoover" pamphlets back to America. Fucking British police. They look like they are all wearing a giant tit on their heads anyway.

A guy that I work with had an interesting thing happen to his dad on this last Friday the 13th. This happened somewhere in Colorado at someplace called "Dirty Sanchez Reservoir". Maybe I'm mistaken on the name, but I'm sure sketchy things happen there. Anyway, his dad is unloading his fishing boat and there are these rangers saying that the reservoir just reopened after a 12 day search for a missing teenager. His dad then asks the ranger what he should do if he comes across the body and the ranger said to immediately call 911. So, this guy's dad and a brother get out towards this small island and see what they think is a strange rock. This rock seems to be floating. They go over to this strange, floating rock and discover that it is in fact the missing person. Needless to say, a dead body that has been sitting in the water for 12 days is none too pretty. After calling 911 and having a whole host of law enforcement descend upon them, they spent the rest of the day being interviewed by police. What a fishing story!

I am glad that Boston won.

I'm trying to decide if I am the type of man that can pull off wearing an ascot. A monocle , no. An ascot, maybe. What do you think?

I've always wondered what the Red Baron's favorite color was.

Did you know that Ruby Red Squirt has caffeine in it while regular Squirt does not? Both have glycerol ester of wood rosin in them, though.

What in the hell is "brominated vegetable oil"? Squirt has that in it as well.

I was thinking of writing a short story or poem about a sweet, yet slightly intoxicated girl named Ester who lived in a little hamlet called "Wood Rosin".

It has been my life's ambition to invent the ultimate afro sheen.

I like you. Do you like me?

Oh, gosh. Do tell!



Karyn said...

I'm glad Boston won too. :) We shall rejoice togethah!!

British police haven't been especially useful to me when I have sought their help in minor capacities before...never thought about the helmet's appearance before...hm.

Definitely yes on the ascot. But I agree it's a big no on the monocle.

What is Ruby Red Squirt, and why does it sound pornographic?

Of course I like you; is there any doubt?

And as to the missing person... ew. No fun. But possibly the ultimate fishing story.

NYD said...

I think I want a Bobbies boobie helmut and a monocle and an ascot!
wIt wouldn't matter if i looked good or not- nobody could forget me if I dressed like that.

As for the fishing story. Them guys got their timing all wrong. They could have used the guy's worms as bait and fished for half a day before calling in the cops.

Man, I like you, but you gotta stay off the brominated vegetable oil.

I loath Boston.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

No, I don't like you.

Okay, I actually like you a lot but I just wanted to be different.

Julie Schuler said...

I have not yet had the pleasure of being mugged. I hope there is still time. I think I'm going to start jogging, alone, with earbuds, at dusk. Maybe that will up my chances.

Didn't your coworker see Short Cuts? You should tie the body to the shore, do your fishing, and on the way back, phone the police. By the by, Tom Waits had the best line in that film- "You're the one chippin' away at our mansion of love, baby, not me!"

I am indifferent to Boston. I like waistcoats, especially worn with boots. Do you have a waistcoat?

I would like to cuddle up with my blanket and hear a story about Ester of Wood Rosin. I hope it will rhyme and involve a ring that hides poison, maybe a dusty miller, a mislaid kitchen knife... so many possibilities.

I like you tolerably well. You might even say I'm keen for you.

megatropolis said...

I can safely say that NO man can pull of wearing an ascot OR a monocle (unless you're running for creepiest man alive).

I've yet to be mugged (but a girls gotta have a dream!) but I did witness a stabbing. It was awesome.

That fishing/body story was slightly disturbing. If there is a God, and he doesn't hate me yet, he will never let me come upon a bloated 2 week old body. Uggg.

I too am glad Boston won (only because I dislike to bastard Lakers).

I think that brominated veg. oil has something to do with salt, since "bromine" is somethin' pretty salty. That's my best guess (and I didn't even google it!).

Yes, I like you. But your blanket statement to EVERYONE that reads your blog lessens the swellness that I feel with regards to your liking for me. Blogwhore ;)

megatropolis said...

And yes... I realized I mis-typed "of". It's "off". Get offa my back you grammar nazi's!

The Grunt said...

Karyn~ Ruby Red Squirt is Squirt with caffeine and ruby red grapefruit flavoring added. I've got a picture of me somewhere with a tit on me head. I'll have to find it, scan it, then post it.

NYD~ I can only imagine what people's reaction would be when you answer their questions of what you used for bait that day.

O-Girl~ Anybody that gives me a pinata loves me.

Julie~ I have a wax jacket and used to have a trench coat. I'm thinking of going to the army surplus place and getting a pea coat. A bit hot right now for that sort of thing. Keen, I like that.

Meggypoo~ Stabbing? Whoooo! As for blanket statements and blog whoring, well, I gotsta love! Of course, you know just how swell that statement was. P.S. No grammar Nazis here:)

Jules said...

Yup! I like you AND I think you'd look outstanding in an ascot!!

In fact, whenever we get around to meeting, I'd like you to wear one!

Tys on Ice said...

i like u....

the dead body part...morbid but interesting..wht are the odds?

never been mugged...but if it did happen the muggers wud have felt sorry and left me some change instead after they see my purse...but hve been attacked by dogs, does that count?

Autumn Storm said...

Oh yes, I like. :-D Anyone who makes me giggle as you do, I'm keeping, just so you know.

Years ago, when I was at College, I was at Edgware Police Station doing research on rape and was told by them that only women were capable of being raped.

PS One question: When you are rich and famous after inventing the ultimate sheen, will you still blog?

Hope today is a swell day, xo