Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Christmas Present (Accompanied by The Flaming Lips "Christmas at the Zoo")


Instant Message "IM", 12 days before Christmas:
"You gave me a case of chewing gum for a Christmas present. I didn't really know you that well before this and I have no idea why you decided that a couple months supply of Juicy Fruit would be the ideal gift for me. I appreciate it. I really do. It's a little odd, seeing as how I don't know you that well, but it's cool."

IM, 11 days before Christmas:
"I went through the first packet pretty fast. Juicy Fruit has great flavor, but it doesn't last that long. My favorite is Big Red, but cinnamon gum tends to make your taste buds feel funny after chewing a lot of the stuff. The Juicy Fruit seems like the better bulk choice."

IM, 10 days before Christmas:
"It's funny....Every time I take out a stick of gum and chew it, I think of you. Why is this happening? There is still massive quantities of this gum left. Will I be reminded of you every time until the last stick?"

IM, 9 days before Christmas:
"A few days ago, I wasn't feeling too great and chewed my gum a bit slower this time. I wanted the memory to last. I detected banana and nutmeg (I think)--the rest is a mystery. You know, I have no clue what in the hell Juicy Fruit is supposed to taste like. Right now I'm feeling pretty excited, though, and am popping one stick after another, even trying to blow some bubbles with the stuff. One of the bubbles got pretty big. I wanted to take a picture of it and send it to you, but I spaced. I didn't have my camera with me."

IM, 8 days before Christmas:
"Okay, now it is morning and I kind of resent the fact that you have been ignoring me. I took out packet after packet, chewed as much as I could fit in my mouth, until the flavor was gone so that I wouldn't have to think of you for very long today. I wanted to be so overwhelmed that my senses wouldn't take you anymore. But, something has come over me: this intense desire and longing. I wish I had made those packets last longer."

IM, 7 days before Christmas:
"I'm making a chain with all the gum wrapper sleeves and decorating my Christmas tree with it. You'd like it."

IM, 6 days before Christmas:
"Made a sandwich today using some of the gum you gave me. I know. I know. I am really, really weird."

IM, 5 days before Christmas:
"I found that after the flavor is gone you can put Cheeze Whiz in your mouth for cheddar flavored gum. It's a lot better than you'd think. Heh, now when I think of you, you are cheesy! Ugh, that was horrible. Forgive me?"

IM, 4 days before Christmas:
"This isn't fair. I haven't seen you since you dropped by to give me this gift. Look, I know that you are busy. I was thinking, though, that we'd go out and catch a flick together before things get crazy. Crazy is smelling a gum wrapper that you left a day ago on your car seat just to get a quick fix. Did you spike this stuff?"

IM, 3 days before Christmas:
"What happens when I run out? Did you give Juicy fruit to anyone else? I listened to the song 'Yellow' today. Perfect gum chewing music, that isn't bubble gum. My jaw muscles are rather ripped now. I don't know if you can get a 'six-pack' on your jaw, but I think if anyone could, it would be me."

IM, 2 days before Christmas:
"Got your email. Why can't you do a movie with me? This is disappointing."

IM, Christmas Eve:
"Perhaps, I have made a big deal of this. Once you get to know me better, I think you'll understand my humor. Am I freaking you out? Drop by if you get the chance."

Christmas Day:
So, now you are here alone with me and there is just one pack left. I never thought I could chew that much gum in such a short amount of time. Wanna stick?

13 comments:

NYD said...

Like gum on the bottom of your shoe, I'll be sticking with this blog.
Great work Grunt. Hope you have a lot of fun during the holidays.
Set sail for 2007, all aboard who's coming aboard.
Shit. I think that's your line. Sorry Captain.

Trundling Grunt said...

Happy Christmas - looking forward to grunting along with you into the new year.

Karyn said...

God, you make me laugh. Hell yeah - pass the JF.

The Grunt said...

Hey guys, gal, thanks for dropping by today.

NYD~ That's cool. I don't mind you stealing my lines. I can sometimes be horrible at remembering them.

Trundling Grunt~ I will grunt spasmodically in 2007 for sure.

Karyn~ I like it when you call me god, but you already know that.

goldennib said...

Juicy Fruit has the best taste. Merry Christmas, Grunty, and the best of wishes for the New Year with lots of love around you.

Sun Follower said...

Hm... oddly enough, my little niece and I made a quick trip to 7-11 for batteries (so Chirstmassy) and since we were there, we bought several packs of gum... Trident sour apple was my choice - she went with bubbleicious.

Merry Christmas.

blog Portland said...

My preference invloves a folded up piece of Juicyfruit, dropped to the bottom of a full Dr. Pepper. By the time I get to it, an infusion has taken place that I refer to as "Dr. Juicyfruit."

I never said it was orignal.

Pokey said...

I know it's late but Merry Christmas! I am a Juicy Fruit fan,but you are right the flavor doesn't last long and that pisses me off. I like my gum to have flavor for at least 30 mins. I love gum, I am addicted. Grunt YOU ROCK MY SOCKS!!!

Spacecake said...

Awwww. This is so cute :) And funny ahahaha. Thanks, it was so much fun reading that, my brother already asked me what's wrong with me because I'm laughing out loud \o/

Happy Holidays :)

Christielli said...

My jaw hurt while reading this.

I CANNOT chew cinnamon gum. It makes my tongue swell. It's painful.

Great post.

Scott said...

Great stuff as always. Hope that your Holiday was a great one.

Cheers,

Scott

Photogirl said...

weird. and funny. as usual. :)

Jules said...

Cute, cute, cute... OMG! Is it good to be back!!!!!

Merry Holidays and Happy Christmas. Does that make sense? Maybe just about as much as the gum scenario.