First of all, I feel like I can't reciprocate any acts of friendship on Facebook because I quickly tire of being on that site. I would rather just call you or respond to you here.
The other thing: I finally started looking around on Facebook and looking for people from my past. Big mistake. You can think that you are ok with how things have turned out in your life. You can think that you no longer have any animosity, hurt, or feelings for those people from your past. Then, you go ahead and start looking. You see them smiling. You see that they are happy. You see that their life didn't fall apart without you. In fact, they are better off without you. You also see those assholes that didn't give you two thoughts are still vacant, yet, somehow they got it and have a wonderful life. No justice as you thought was needed, or the way you thought it should happen to them. Those that ruled during high school are also doing really well now--not how it happens in the movies. The worst part is that it got to you when you looked them up. You are not as over it as you supposed you were. It makes me feel like like that odd ball misfit all over again. But then again, I am that. That's why you guys come here, right?
Of course, this is all conjecture, but the point is that it still got to me. I still can feel like I'm not included in whatever it is that "they" were in on. That really disappoints me. I think I would have been fine if it weren't for coming across a certain person. That one girl was the lynch pin. I think it is funny how you can have certainty for something that is so completely not going to ever fucking happen that it is not even funny. It has happened to me several times and I can only sit back and laugh at my folly. I am a great person to talk to, to hang out with, and to say is your friend, but somehow there is something about me that ultimately causes people to pass on. It should bother me. It does a little. But I have just come to the conclusion that I am not easily accessible on a certain level. There are not that many in this world that it would end up working out with and I get tired of that fact. There are reasons for me being on this earth. Maybe those reasons take me places that others don't want to go. I have, for the most part, accepted that. It is just that last night I had a huge moment of doubt and reflection. I wished I hadn't even crossed her path.
Of course, this post is just my way of chastising myself for allowing myself to relive past disappointments. We all go there, now and again, and it is never as bad as you make yourself to believe it to be. Going to that "place" brings about an unreliable way of perceiving past events. You project and interpret things incorrectly all to beat yourself up over something that you no longer have anything to do with. Anyway, I welcome all one-liners that refer to me as a "weeping pussy". Thank you for your time.
4 years ago