Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Silliness is next to godliness

If I were in charge of things ferrets would be called "wiener cats".

Don't climb trees to feel young again. Just don't. You need proof? Did I tell you that I fell out of a tree on Monday? Of course I didn't. That's why I'm telling you now. Anyway, it's true. I have bruised ribs and a sprained left wrist. I climbed up to saw a big branch that was dangling, half broken, and was a safety hazard to pedestrians. As I was climbing down, my foot slipped on a knot that was my rock solid foot hold. The best part about it was I hit a branch on the way down. Whee? Yes, whee. That was the part where I put my arms up in the air and had fun.

I got a new work phone. It is a real cool Moto heavy duty work type Razor. Supposedly you can run over it with a car and it will not break. The cool part is that you can leave voice notes to yourself or send them out. I recorded this long-ass burp after drinking a Dr. Pepper. I then set it up as my ringtone. The problem came, when for some reason I couldn't change the ringtone. I would be around people and then my phone would start belching. I figured out later on how to fix it. Lotsa fun. Now my work ringtone is me doing a "ring-ring" in my best operatic falsetto. People everywhere are now starting to distance themselves from me. It's the latest fashion trend.

I'm sick and tired of people who've never had cancer compare my cancer to someone else's that they know. It's some real twisted game of "My (insert name or relation)'s cancer could beat up your cancer" bullshit. I don't want to even fucking know because I am tired of anything cancer related, to be honest. The fact is that there are plenty of people who have had worse cancer than me, because they are dead. Somehow this does not make me feel like a loser. The real losers are the ones that, for whatever reason, play stupid games with the stories and lives of their loved ones just in order to make them, not the diseased one, feel special. It's like they somehow get credit for knowing the afflicted. Congrats. Now here's your freakin' rubber Cheerio.

That wasn't silly, but I needed to say it.

10 comments:

megatropolis said...

I'm getting a litter of Dr. Pepper, coming to your house, and making you record my very own Grunt Burp ringtone.

Cancer shmancer... I don't have any really good stories about people with cancer. But my niece was bitten by a rattlesnake. That's the one I use cuz it makes me seem really cool ;)

Crystal said...

you should make a ringtone that sounds like your penis talking about boxers vs. briefs or something. that would be awesome to be sitting in a meeting and have that come from your pants.

Jay said...

But without climbing trees and one-upping peoples cancer stories, what do you expect me to do all day?

Julie Schuler said...

I don't have any cancer stories, but we can compare rib injuries! I dislocated my ribs on my right side yesterday, lucky for me my husband learned to pop them back into place when I was pregnant with my first, I kept coming dislocated all the time. He had to knock me back into place nearly every day.

Diane Mandy said...

I'm sorry people can be so unthoughtful!

Christielli said...

I agree that silliness *is* next to godliness. Take that cleanliness.

The Grunt said...

Meggypoo~ Snake bites are badass! I will gladly provide for you a Dr. Pepper burp.

Crystal~ Would you be willing to provide the voice for the penis' antagonist?

Jay~ You could smoke crystal meth. It would keep you from sleeping.

Julie~ That sounds painfully cool.

Diane~ I've learned to shrug it off. There's so many other people that do get it that my life is good.

Christielli~ My thoughts exactly!

Jules said...

Si and I have had two "Dr. Pepper" days where we are free to belch over the phone to each other... I love Dr. Pepper burps, and I'm sure I've had one or two that would have rivaled your phone one!!

The Grunt said...

Jules~ You are just two crazy kids:)

Tys on Ice said...

why wud anyone want to run a truck over a phone?...u ok now?...

in regards to tht part of people stealing the thunder off someone elses misery, man, u r so bang on...but then, its always like that isnt it?..everytime i have a miserable day and go to someone to tell them abt my woes, i end up hearing how much more shittier their life is....funny.