One year ago today, I was at a concert with a girl that I liked a lot, having a great birthday. I can remember thinking to myself that the coming year would be my year. Since then, the girl that I really liked got married and I, of course, battled hard with cancer and financial hell. I never would have imagined those events coming to define who I am. I look back at what I've been through, what I perceived to have lost, and I see that I didn't chuck it in. I fought the whole way through this bastard. I'm not saying that my life is one big tampon commercial, where I can wear white shorts and play tennis again, but it is my life.
While new hair grows and the color has returned to my face, I carry the ravages and scars of this year around with me 24/7. Sometimes it is depressing and lonely, and other times it is like looking down after a long hike and seeing all the scary obstacles that I got through with satisfaction. Then I look up and see nothing but clouds, wondering where my summit will be and where my journey will take me now.
My birthday today was one of small hiccups, like locking myself out of my truck and then having to break into it while people gawked at me. My birthday was also one spent with family, getting treated to dinner. I also played my guitar too loud and pissed off the neighbors. My boss called me in to work, forgetting that I had the day off, and I told her no. But the best part of the day, my birthday, was a trip to the doctor's office.
I haven't been feeling well lately. It has been hard gaining back confidence in my body's health. To start having health problems again has been depressing for me. I've been beginning to doubt myself and if I really should be still here on this earth, seeing as how I would probably be dead if it were a few generations ago. Then again, I am a man of this time, where I am blessed with modern medical science. So, I am meant to be here. I then asked myself why. Today, I got the answer.
My general practitioner is a great man. He is the one who finally figured out what was wrong with me--cancer. Going back to him today was significant. It was around this time last year that noticeable signs of my lymphoma were evident, but because I was being a tough guy, I ignored it. I was also ignorant. Going back to my doctor's visit, I have had some respiratory problems--different from the ones I had last year, but disturbing because of the time line. The doctor examined me and we got talking. We mainly talked about the time when we found out what was wrong with me and how I was doing now. I mentioned to him that it was my birthday today. He responded, "Do you know why you are here today? Do you know the one thing that you did to save your life?" He then gave me the answer (pointing): "Because you came in."
It finally dawned on me that the biggest hero in saving my life was me. If I did not seek help, then who knows what would have become of my life. The reason why I am here on this earth today is that I made the choice to be here. I made the decision to go through uncertainty and pain in order to get a life back--a life that frankly didn't have much going for it at the time. So, now I've got my basket case of a life back on the trailer and I'm wheeling it into the shop for repairs. I am facing more uncertainty and financial drain with pending exams with regards to mysterious spots on my lungs. I question my ability to get involved with someone else romantically. I look at my resume and see nothing but shit-stained skills. All I can say now is "fuck it". I don't know how I'm going to get on top of the situation, but as God as my witness, I will.
4 years ago