Thursday, May 08, 2008

The post birthday post

One year ago today, I was at a concert with a girl that I liked a lot, having a great birthday. I can remember thinking to myself that the coming year would be my year. Since then, the girl that I really liked got married and I, of course, battled hard with cancer and financial hell. I never would have imagined those events coming to define who I am. I look back at what I've been through, what I perceived to have lost, and I see that I didn't chuck it in. I fought the whole way through this bastard. I'm not saying that my life is one big tampon commercial, where I can wear white shorts and play tennis again, but it is my life.

While new hair grows and the color has returned to my face, I carry the ravages and scars of this year around with me 24/7. Sometimes it is depressing and lonely, and other times it is like looking down after a long hike and seeing all the scary obstacles that I got through with satisfaction. Then I look up and see nothing but clouds, wondering where my summit will be and where my journey will take me now.

My birthday today was one of small hiccups, like locking myself out of my truck and then having to break into it while people gawked at me. My birthday was also one spent with family, getting treated to dinner. I also played my guitar too loud and pissed off the neighbors. My boss called me in to work, forgetting that I had the day off, and I told her no. But the best part of the day, my birthday, was a trip to the doctor's office.

I haven't been feeling well lately. It has been hard gaining back confidence in my body's health. To start having health problems again has been depressing for me. I've been beginning to doubt myself and if I really should be still here on this earth, seeing as how I would probably be dead if it were a few generations ago. Then again, I am a man of this time, where I am blessed with modern medical science. So, I am meant to be here. I then asked myself why. Today, I got the answer.

My general practitioner is a great man. He is the one who finally figured out what was wrong with me--cancer. Going back to him today was significant. It was around this time last year that noticeable signs of my lymphoma were evident, but because I was being a tough guy, I ignored it. I was also ignorant. Going back to my doctor's visit, I have had some respiratory problems--different from the ones I had last year, but disturbing because of the time line. The doctor examined me and we got talking. We mainly talked about the time when we found out what was wrong with me and how I was doing now. I mentioned to him that it was my birthday today. He responded, "Do you know why you are here today? Do you know the one thing that you did to save your life?" He then gave me the answer (pointing): "Because you came in."

It finally dawned on me that the biggest hero in saving my life was me. If I did not seek help, then who knows what would have become of my life. The reason why I am here on this earth today is that I made the choice to be here. I made the decision to go through uncertainty and pain in order to get a life back--a life that frankly didn't have much going for it at the time. So, now I've got my basket case of a life back on the trailer and I'm wheeling it into the shop for repairs. I am facing more uncertainty and financial drain with pending exams with regards to mysterious spots on my lungs. I question my ability to get involved with someone else romantically. I look at my resume and see nothing but shit-stained skills. All I can say now is "fuck it". I don't know how I'm going to get on top of the situation, but as God as my witness, I will.

56 comments:

Diane Mandy said...

Yes you will! That was an amazing post from an amazing spirt.

Crystal said...

and plus, what would we do without you?

BrettM said...

You put it so perfectly simple.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Damn straight you will!

Autumn Storm said...

Grunt, you are without a doubt a fighter and a survivor because of it. Your strength of spirit and the beauty within your soul are going to get you through whatever comes your way. Good to hear, belated best wishes, that you spent your birthday with family, that there were celebrations and dining involved, :-), I'll be on top of it next year and after that.

Queue_t said...

Many wishes for a better year coming - you have the spirit and the will to make it kiddo, hang in there.

go, fight win!

your little lurker pal QT

Julie Schuler said...

Happy Belated Birthday!

The Grunt said...

Diane~ I like amazing. I can dig that.

Crystal~ Play gin rummy with a monkey. That's what I'd do.

Brett~ Man, there ain't no other way to tell it.

O-Girl~ I better, or else Dr. Phil will give me a wedgie!

Autumn~ Thanks! To know that you'll be around does me good.

QT~ I can always count on you.

Julie~ I should have had an undead birthday party.

Keshi said...

That first bit of the post is story of my life! Every 'this must be the one' kinda guy I meet ends up marrying someone else!


**It finally dawned on me that the biggest hero in saving my life was me.

Good on ya Grunty!


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Christielli said...

You make good choices dude.

Keep playing that guitar loudly to piss off your neighbours. ;)

Karyn said...

I HEART this post.

And you.

The Grunt said...

Keshi~ It's that way until you do find the one.

Christielli~ Can do! If I started a Weakerthans tribute band, would you come to a show?

Karyn~ It feels good to be hearted.

Sun Follower said...

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

xoxoxo

*better belated than never is what I always say... when I'm late

Tys on Ice said...

damn man, i missed ur birthday..happy birthday grunt.. u know something? sometimes i think u probably are one of the few people out here who really appreciate life more than some of us....its gud to hve u arnd...so u better stay.

megatropolis said...

Funny thing is that I thought this past year was my year as well. I wore the proverbial white shorts, tampon, and end up with running off the court in bloody horror. Great post. Here's to a better year for us all :)

Chandra said...

"He responded, "Do you know why you are here today? Do you know the one thing that you did to save your life?" He then gave me the answer (pointing): "Because you came in."

It finally dawned on me that the biggest hero in saving my life was me. If I did not seek help, then who knows what would have become of my life. The reason why I am here on this earth today is that I made the choice to be here. I made the decision to go through uncertainty and pain in order to get a life back--a life that frankly didn't have much going for it at the time. So, now I've got my basket case of a life back on the trailer and I'm wheeling it into the shop for repairs."

Brillance!

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