Wednesday, May 28, 2008

To be continued...

I hate that, the whole "To Be Continued" crap. But that is what I got today: To be continued. I didn't get "scar tissue" and I didn't get "it's cancer". What I got is this, "Here are your options...." I hate that. What they found is that the spot changed shape, but did not grow. My options were to wait for three months and re-scan, or go for a PET scan, which I have to hope my insurance will approve, and then it gets interesting. If the spot doesn't glow from the PET scan, then I am negative for cancer--yay! If it glows, or whatever weird radioactive crap it does, then I will be whisked away for a biopsy. They will open me up from the top, shove the AFHV video cam down my chest and get a little sumptin-sumptin. If it turns out to be cancer, then the game gets pretty damned ugly.

I was thinking that whatever they caught, if that is the case, would be a cinch to treat since it's a small spot and detected early. My oncologist gave me that Yoda look, you know, the one where Luke said he wasn't afraid and Yoda goes, "You will be. You will be!" Apparently, if any cancer could survive the intensive treatment that I had just gone through, then it is super resistant. This means that the next step would be the most extreme treatment offered for this kind of cancer. This type of chemo is so strong that it will kill all of my bone marrow. So, the solution is to suck out all of my bone marrow beforehand and freeze it. I then go on super doses of nuepogen, which hurts like a mother fucker, and with the chemo get poisoned almost to death. There would be no set end date. I would just keep getting treatments until they think I'm through. After I am done with treatment, I will get my bone marrow back and have a 2-3 week stay at the hospital. Fuck yeah! I'm so there that I'm crapping a shoe right now!!!

Forget that I said any of that scary-assed shit. My doctors just couldn't prove it wasn't cancer yet. I am confident that the PET scan will reveal that I am cancer free. Even if it turns out to be cancer, I will go through whatever I have to to live. I figure I owe that much to whoever my future wife and kids turn out to be. Not to mention that I've never been to Hawaii before, or done the watusi, whatever in the hell that is! My point is that I am scared, but I know the stakes. I am going to put all of my chips on the table and fight like I've never fought before--if I need to. My big question to myself is this: If you get an all clear, how are you going to live your life after that?

Good question!

I need some love right now.

25 comments:

NYD said...

I'm just not good enough with words to express the way I feel or to send you the love and support you need.
Just want you to know that I'm in your corner and will be here with a kind word when needed.

Be cool and may the force be with you.

Nanu Nanu!

megatropolis said...

Nothing especially witty or cute to say right now, except XOXO! I'm mostly black and dead inside, but I'm sending all of my good thoughts and positive energy your direction (hopefully it'll help and not hurt). Plus, you rarely say fuck, especially multiple times. It was a very special moment for me. I didn't CRAP a shoe, but I took my favorite slipper from the closet and crapped IN it. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

The Grunt said...

NYD~Shazbot!

Megatropolis~ I try really hard to not say that word. Thanks for sending the good stuff my way.

Kayla said...

Grunt, I send you my love and support. I believe in prayer, and will be praying for a cancer free PET scan.
I think what you're going through deserves the F word!
Keep that crazy wonderful sense of humor..as you probably already know, it will help you deal with all this.

Grunt Ahoy!

megatropolis said...

Don't try too hard, cuz the "F" word captures certain feelings like no other word can. So say it loud, say it proud. And I promise that I will protect you from any holy wrath. Or I'll make you some chocolate chip cookies to counter balance the evilness.

Anonymous said...

((((LOVE))))

Julie Schuler said...

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I can't say it out loud anymore, but I type it, with aplomb

Love your way, with aplomb.

Anonymous said...

we're hoping for an insurance company that does the right thing and a spot that doesn't glow. leigh

Photogirl said...

oh no....

OK, I'm not going to be sad, because I know in my heart of hearts that you WILL be fine! I'm putting it out here. "Do you hear me Universe?! He's gonna be FINE!"

Christielli said...

You know that there's lots of love from over here, and I'm really hoping that you get the PET scan and that there is no glowing whatsoever. And then, here's to hoping that the whole cancer chapter of your life is done and over with no continuations and that you do go to Hawaii and do the watusi.

The Grunt said...

Kayla~ You are right. Humor has saved me. Despite the frustrating news, I was joking with my oncologists and making them laugh. I even named my spot: "Spot"! LOL! I went up to the screen and told Spot to stay. Thanks for the prayers. It means an awful lot to me.

Megatropolis~ Chocolate chip cookies have divine healing powers. I hope you'll still like me if I try to be a good boy--well, the best I can:) Thanks for being here for me.

Anonymous~ Thanks for the invisible hugs! I wish I knew who you were, mystery hugger.

Julie~ Thanks a million! I hope you can know what your support does for me.

Leigh~ My insurance, Altius, usually gives the ok, but they aren't especially quick about it. Those PET scans are ridiculously expensive, due to the radioactive tracer that they put in your blood stream.

Celeste~ That's right. There is no need to be sad for me. I have got lots of fight in me, besides. But I really feel they just haven't proved that I don't have cancer yet. It's just stressful getting to that point.

The Grunt said...

Christielli~ I'm all for going to Hawaii and doing the watusi, whatever in the hell that is:D I so desperately want to done with cancer. This experience has been so draining. I am so glad you are supporting me, C.

Queue_t said...

I am right here with some love for you! , you are back on my personal prayer list- I hope the insurance company will pay and the spot will glow- in the mean time hang tight and put up a big fight.

I love you man- your buddy QT

megatropolis said...

I'll like you whatever you are... good or evil. I'm mostly good, with a dash of evil and a smidgen of malevolent. And yes, MY chocolate chip cookies are almost divine. I'm here for you anytime :)

Diane Mandy said...

To be continue?!?!! Oh, I'm sorry. I can't imagine how frustrating that was. Love and hugs from me. I am thinking and rooting for you every day.

Chandra said...

:)
What's up back at ya!
Oh and I was serious about all the Star Wars/Indie stuff, I am so out of the loop.

Take Care...
if it's any consolation even though it doesn't compare, it is kind of funny. I finally dressed like a "girl" yesterday and ended up falling face first onto the pavement ... good times good times...

Keshi said...

**Even if it turns out to be cancer, I will go through whatever I have to to live.

way to go mate HUGZ!

we r all with u on this journey. ty for letting us know.

Keshi.

The Grunt said...

QT~ I still need to send you some music. I got behind on all of that stuff.

Megatropolis~ You are fast becoming one of my most favoritist peoples in the whole wide webbernets.

Diane~ We've both been through a lot medically lately. So, I know that you can relate. It is so frustrating.

Chandra~ Wish I could have seen it! I would have helped you up, though.

Keshi~ I have to make statements like that, because I know that when things get real messed up there is a tendency to look for ways out--not good ones. I am strong because I have to be to survive.

Karyn said...

There's a convoy of virtual Fed Ex trucks headed your way, loaded with love from the coast, kid.

megatropolis said...

Awwww... I just crapped in my other slipper :) The feelings are mutual.

Autumn Storm said...

Big love and bear hugs. We fear most what we have already experienced, so say the wise, we also learn from overcoming just what we are capable of dealing with. You said it here, whatever lays ahead, you will face it head on.

Sun Follower said...

oh, jesus-tap-dancing-christ! NO NO NO! The spot is not malignant and there will be no bone marrow nonsense - I simply will NOT allow it!


*hugs*

Crystal said...

it had better not be cancer. i am hugging your lung now.

Jules said...

[[[L-O-V-E]]]

You're always always in my thoughts, Grunty... I'll keep catching up with your blog and hope that I read good news...

Jules said...

P.S. Si sends his love and says he's sorry he hasn't been over to see you for a while! ;O)