I hate that, the whole "To Be Continued" crap. But that is what I got today: To be continued. I didn't get "scar tissue" and I didn't get "it's cancer". What I got is this, "Here are your options...." I hate that. What they found is that the spot changed shape, but did not grow. My options were to wait for three months and re-scan, or go for a PET scan, which I have to hope my insurance will approve, and then it gets interesting. If the spot doesn't glow from the PET scan, then I am negative for cancer--yay! If it glows, or whatever weird radioactive crap it does, then I will be whisked away for a biopsy. They will open me up from the top, shove the AFHV video cam down my chest and get a little sumptin-sumptin. If it turns out to be cancer, then the game gets pretty damned ugly.
I was thinking that whatever they caught, if that is the case, would be a cinch to treat since it's a small spot and detected early. My oncologist gave me that Yoda look, you know, the one where Luke said he wasn't afraid and Yoda goes, "You will be. You will be!" Apparently, if any cancer could survive the intensive treatment that I had just gone through, then it is super resistant. This means that the next step would be the most extreme treatment offered for this kind of cancer. This type of chemo is so strong that it will kill all of my bone marrow. So, the solution is to suck out all of my bone marrow beforehand and freeze it. I then go on super doses of nuepogen, which hurts like a mother fucker, and with the chemo get poisoned almost to death. There would be no set end date. I would just keep getting treatments until they think I'm through. After I am done with treatment, I will get my bone marrow back and have a 2-3 week stay at the hospital. Fuck yeah! I'm so there that I'm crapping a shoe right now!!!
Forget that I said any of that scary-assed shit. My doctors just couldn't prove it wasn't cancer yet. I am confident that the PET scan will reveal that I am cancer free. Even if it turns out to be cancer, I will go through whatever I have to to live. I figure I owe that much to whoever my future wife and kids turn out to be. Not to mention that I've never been to Hawaii before, or done the watusi, whatever in the hell that is! My point is that I am scared, but I know the stakes. I am going to put all of my chips on the table and fight like I've never fought before--if I need to. My big question to myself is this: If you get an all clear, how are you going to live your life after that?
I need some love right now.
4 years ago