Monday, May 19, 2008

Just a bunch of crap floating around in my head (don't you feel lucky?)

Centaurs are cool. However, I am confused on one thing, how many sets of nipples do these mythical creatures have? At what location does the mother centaur breast feed her young? I need to know.

Speaking in tongues: this is my favorite source of religious entertainment. It's supposedly possible in my religion, yet I never saw anybody do this until I went to a Pentecostal church. Why do they get to have all the fun? Recently, I have called this "miracle" into question: Is speaking in tongues necessary? Does God do this to reveal stuff or just to show off? I figure if one is to babble something revelatory, then it would be easier for all of those involved if it were done in their native tongue. Besides, who can really trust the "translator"? They could totally be effed in the head and start some new practice in the church involving placing golf tees in the urethra to stop impure impulses. I think that this miracle should only be allowed for entertainment purposes only, because witnessing someone babble like a brain-damaged Porky Pig is just plain good church, and really, isn't that what church is all about?

Admit it, would any of you go to church if it were not for the freak spotting? I thought so.

Today I felt like a horrible liar. I get done telling one person at work about the stress that I am going through with medical issues and life, then after that conversation telling another person how great I was feeling and how things were fine. See, I'm wondering which person I esteemed less here. Was it a matter of that I trusted the first, therefore, I confided in them more, or that I hated the first and wanted to inflict them with my tales of personal misery?

I went into a public restroom and was hit with a horrible stench created by a man experiencing bowel trouble in one of the stalls. Realizing that he would never know who I was, or see who said it, I remarked, "I've smelled worse." I then ran away, acting like a stupid kid that got away with something naughty.

Right now in my life I do not feel very well equipped to court women. Flirt shamelessly? Yes.
Court? No. Having someone there for me would be great, though. Going through cancer and all the treatments, and recovery, only to be facing the possibility of more of this crap, has been incredibly lonely. While I could not imagine being without the people who have reached out to me during all of this, I lacked having somone that I could totally confide in (true). See, I have had to work on my jealousy lately. I see people getting involved romantically around me and I want to go around and tell them to get bent. But, because of my overriding good nature, I squash my malevolence and say to myself, "Gosh, they make such a great couple. I am lucky just to be witness to another's joy!" Then I go to the nearest hedge and promptly vomit, because being a good person is hard on my digestive system. So, to all of you that have someone that is your life's or current counterpart in love, I hope that you experience nothing but happiness and deep feelings of love and support for the rest of your life/three weeks together.

Now look what you just made me do to my wastebasket!

I really didn't address the problem that I am having. It is easy here to spill my emotional beans. However, one will find that upon real life inspection that I am a typical "stone-like" man, emotionally. Well, I am probably a little ahead of the curve, but still....I've been going through some heavy shit. If I was to get involved with a girl now the emotional floodgates would either be totally shut off, or they would be wide open, leaving a muddy mess. Furthermore, I do not have a rich history of relationships. You could call me a rover of sorts, moving on before there was anything at stake. I thought I was breaking down that wall prior to my health troubles. The thing is that I need companionship now--I really feel it--yet, the means to acquire such companionship alludes me, or at least I don't feel like I could handle it right now. This is even more absurd, in that, I am probably the best guy on the freakin' planet. I bet I have frustrated and confused a whole host of women. Payback is a bitch.

I am sorry, women. I am sorry for not having my shit together. I am sorry for being unavailable when I really should be. I am sorry for slacking when I have such incredible talents and potential--letting it get in the way. I apologize for having a great capacity for love and caring, yet not risking having it rejected by those that I truly desire. I deserve to be alone when I take all of this for granted--damn me!

Forgive me?

10 comments:

NYD said...

That there's a whole lot of thinkin and thoughts for one post. All I can say is one step at a time and keep your eyes out of the dirt.

megatropolis said...

Sounds like you're a pretty typcial man with regards to relationships. I wish that were a compliment. But I'll join you at the vomitorium when the cute (stupid) in love couples prance through the daffodil fields hand in hand. It's so cute it makes me want to punch them in the face.

Crystal said...

i like that you say the word 'gosh'.

Claire said...

Oh my. I hate when my brain gets like this!

Cxx

Christielli said...

Hmmm, I think these circumstances are compounded by the fact that most women don't have their shit together either.

I hope that you find someone. Remember, you've got that new hair that women love to run their hands through in your corner, so that's a new advantage, right? ;)

Julie Schuler said...

Don't begin to paint yourself with the brush of unworthiness. There are always other people happy to do that for you. Those women just weren't for you. Those women were quitters. Not up for the challenge. Someday you'll find that girl and she'll tie you to a the radiator with improvised bootlace ligatures, and you'll live happily ever after.

The Grunt said...

NYD~ Good advice!

Megatropolis~ After reading some posts from you blog, I can understand why you aren't too happy with men at the moment. I hope you stick around here and see what I'm about. I need barf buddies!

Crystal~ I like that you like what I say. P.S. Yer neato!

Claire~ Yeah, but when my brain gets like this it provides great post material.

Christielli~ I have never had a problem attracting women/girls. I have just been blessed with an overactive self awareness that puts me about two steps behind the rest of the wolf pack in the pursuit. So, in response to Megatropolis' comment: I am not the typical male.

Julie~ I like the way you think. The back story on this post is that I will be going to a belated wedding party of a girl that I had dated one year ago. So, I had a moment of reflection on stuff that I blamed her for, then found stuff that I was responsible for. Why am I going to this party? Because, it may not have worked out as a relationship for the two of us, but I think of her as a friend--she must as well, since she's invited me. Either that or she wants to rub my nose in it. So, I plan to hit on her best friend who's single.

Autumn Storm said...

I'm a great believer in timing, though I cannot help but wish too that you had had someone to be with you through all of this.

Chandra said...

I am sorry for being a douche. YES, please send me more songs. I like the bathroom thing... probably made the person's day!Or maybe I am just odd...

If you ever "get your shit together" you probably wouldn't be the person you are, have evolved into, and continue to evolve to be. But that's just one naturally blonde's opinion.

I missed your blog.

The Grunt said...

Autumn~ Life is interesting.

Chandra~ Yeah, where have you been? I'm going to work on getting the rust removed from my vocal chords. Stay tuned.