Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Random Toasty Posties!

I have one question for you: Have you ever faked an orgasm with yourself? No, really. Have you just sat there thinking, "Boy, this is just taking forever and I have a headache....oh, did I forget to turn my curling iron off?" You know how it would go--you'd moan and scream for more, with your yesses and syncopated grunting, but would you be able to fool yourself? I think deep down inside a part of you would feel impotent and undervalued while the other half was blissfully painting their toenails. I mean, is there nothing more awkward than sitting in bed watching TV and not talking to yourself?

I think our pets, and by pets I mean dogs and cats, want to speak to us but find that English is just plain silly. I have come to the conclusion that they would rather speak Cantonese or Mandarin Chinese instead. So, if you want to speak with the animals start learning those two languages today.

Don't inquire as to how I draw my conclusions, please. It might involve some math and plenty of wild assumptions.

Have you heard that there is a reptilian master race ruling our earth? Yes, they shape shift into regular looking dudes and dudettes and walk among us. This shit is real! Now what'd I do with my crack pipe?

I had a 63-year-old lady at work call me beautiful, precious, dahling, "Hey Hollywood", and talented (and then told me to thank my parents). She has also touched my ass. She has an unmistakable cackle when she sees me and loves getting on the elevator with me. In the elevator things tend to get really weird and funny as hell, at my expense. This is it: I have been reduced to becoming a giggling, blond&big-tits secretary to this "Good ol' Boy" Boss lady ('cept she's not my boss). Did I just say what I thought I just said? Yes, times have changed. I will have to be careful next time who I unsheath my Makita cordless around.

I have tried, in earnest, to implement the principles of "The Secret" in my life and they have not worked so far. Hell, I even have the damn photo of me and Wonderwoman's photoshopped wedding pictures hanging around everywhere. I think this stuff is a load of hooey.

I think a tostada sharing room with a taco on a combo plate is just the restaurant trying to fool you into thinking that you are not just getting two tacos.

I gotta pee!



goldennib said...

Where do I start.

Did you see the space ship over Chicago?

You're a Boy Toy.

Scary Monster said...

Yea Me knows about the master race. It be true. Me be their ambassador. STOMP

Me not really faking me orgasms, just making lots of noise and banging me head against the bed frame to make the neighbors think there be someone else there with me... Shtump

Me cat speaks Japanese. And better than me does, so she do all the ordering when we go out for sushi...


Barbarian02003 said...

My cat is fluent in Mandarin, but my dog is a rare breed that only speaks Pig Latin. He has a lisp, too, so it's really hard to know if he wants to go outside or for a ride. We're dealing with it.

Gentleman-hobbs said...

Now you have room for my comments...... er why have you got a pussy, your not one of those lady boy fellows now are you.
Got my eye on you, well the bastard glass one fell out and rolled away.

Jules said...

That's not really a 63 year old lady. It's me. I'm able to channel myself through whomever I wish. She has this little signal she uses to make me aware of when you and her and in an elevator together and then I completely take over her body. Nice ass by the way!

Karyn said...

Grunt. Ya gotta pee BEFORE you post. Elementary stuff!

Taco, Tostada, let's call the whole thing off.

The Secret, my ass. Yeah. It can't hurt I guess, to apply the principles, and it's probly good for your mental well being to at least THINK you're drawing the forces of good towards yourself... but... yeah. So far, no dice.

Makita. Cordless. Holy crap that made me laugh so hard.

The reptilian master race explains a lot. I'm doomed; I've been moisturizing. They'll never accept me as one of their own.

I do not do math if I can possibly help it. So your methods are safe from me.

And I have no interest in what these bloody animals have to say to me unless they are going to tell me how they plan to repay me for all my stuff they have defiled.

As to the last - which was actually your first - um... no. I'm just that good. And authentic. No faking. Ever. Not even for me.

Logophile said...

I don't believe in faking it.
Orgasms are my religion and we all know false religions are bad.
Ariella is on the outs and I have no interest in speaking to her at the moment. Seems, "Get away from me!!" is clear enough in English.
She has erred, beloved brother.
Oh, as for the reptile master race, they can kiss my ass. They can't survive the winters here the way it was this year.
Oh and hey, I got a secret for ya, heh heh heh

egan said...

I fake them all the time, usually while at work or during my blogging sessions.

chandra said...

1)Never faked it with myself, although sometimes it takes a lot of effort to get into things. I have an active imagination... enough said.

2) Pets may not be able to talk but they learn better then most kids and at times... men. Mandarin is a language Mandarin Chinese is not. Just so you know... Cantonese words all sound like you are in trouble... or maybe it's just the tone they are spoken in.

3) crack is bad. Don't do it.

4) Old people like to push boundries of comfort, what is with that? Sweetie.... urgh I hate it. It rivals darling and cutie pie. I want to tell them to not come right into my face and respect my bubble. Or they like to think I am "nice young lady"... it gets old after awhile... so old that I feel old.

5)tacos are gross and messy, too much work.

ok done.

The Grunt said...

Nessa~ No, I did not see that spaceship. I really don't know what I'd do if I ever did see one. Should I put Boy Toy on my resume?

SM~ Well, at least I'm friends with one of you reptillians. Aloha!

Barbarian~ It can be hard because dogs get excited for just about anything.

G-Hobbs~ Well, as far as me faking orgasms with myself, as a man that is pretty damn obvious, I suppose. I think up absurd notions 24/7, so that is the genisis of the bit right there. It's just damn funny, if you ask me.

Jules~ Well, I aim to please. What more can I say?

Karyn~ I'm glad you are back from the wilderness. BTW, my Makita cordless is dead sexy.

Logo~ Secret secret, you have a secret. That is very similar to Mr. Roboto. Have you checked to see if there are wires coming out of you anywhere?

Chandra~ Mandarin it is, or better yet, Mandarin chicken! Crack=Bad. Okay, got it!

The Grunt said...

I almost forgot Egan!!!

Egan, you are the pattern for the modern man. Does this not excite you?