Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Something Up There Hates Me #56,700

I was working on my vacation post and something happened where everything on my computer froze. I hadn't saved what I wrote and it is all kaput!

One thing I will say is that this vacation did nothing to clear my mind. I had a great adventure. I did not relax one bit. I thought a lot about my life and certain people. No clarity was achieved, only more complexity. As I looked at the surrounding desolation and numerous dead things, the struggle for life was the only thing that made sense to me. It's the only thing I know. I don't know much about pleasure or love, to be frank. I think that love exists only in one's mind. Where I was, love does not exist. Nature kicks the shit out of it and leaves it bleeding in a dry wash somewhere to die.


This may sound Nihilistic, but I have only had more motivation to stay unattached and without obligations to a companion now more than any other time in my life. I let my mind entertain fairytales for a spell this year of my life and feel a deep frustration over it all. Fantasy left me high and dry. Now, I don't trust fantasy. Fantasy pales in comparison to complex reality. There is nothing more real than that smell of wet death drying out in the desert. Please, no more cosmic bullshit for me, thanks.

I no longer believe in fairy tales. If I happen to decide to carry on with a person who wants in my deal, fine, but they better know that bullshit is not allowed. I know I'm wrong about some of this, but it is the way I feel at the moment. I am right about the things that matter least to me and wrong about the things that I hope for. I feel like such a damn fool for believing. That's life. Suck it up, bitch!


I still have no idea what people see in me and why. Why some people stick around and others treat me like a flavor of the month. I just love being sucked on hard, then tossed out for wild cherry, grape, or whatever shit tastes good at the moment.

All together now: DANCE MONKEY!


I promise a more coherrent and funny post ahead.

27 comments:

Scott said...

Sorry to hear that the trip did not bring clarity. I can relate to you though. I thought that my trip might do that but it definately did not. What it brought was more questions and more struggling of thoughts. Ain't life grand?

Scott

Jules said...

Holy crap, Grunty... Well, here's what I have to say about this post: I love you for whomever you are at any given time and I, for one, am not going to stop being your friend anytime soon. I don't consider you a flavor of the month... I consider you a good ol' family recipie. I see a beautiful spirit behind this anger and resentment... one that's full of integrity, interest, intellect, intrigue, and inspiration. Not to mention a miriad of other descriptive words not starting with the letter i. Grunty - don't be so hard on yourself. C'mon, babe. Pick up the pieces and start all over again.

Love Jules

Karyn said...

I don't know. DANCE MONKEY was pretty funny, even if the rest was heartbreaking.

Take heart, fair grunty.

We have all felt like castoff lollies at one point or another. (Whatever is up there hates me sometimes too. Like, a lot.)

Mayden's Voyage said...

I'm not sure I've ever heard a man speak more plainly- or with more clairity than you have in this post~
You're right- out in the wilderness love does not exist. There are bonds (parental/and mates)- but not love- the bonds are formed due to a need to survive.
However, what seperates humans from animals is charity, devotion, kindness...love. Can we survive without love? Can we survive without the bonds? I guess so~

I like you because you are genuine- honest, insightful- no BS. You have a way with words, music (CD?!!!), and people.

I think you've been to the dark side of the moon and back- and I don't know many people like you in person.

Fantasy makes us look up- wayyyy up- and sets a standard that can not be met by mortals. Now that's settled- you can look down, to your own level (cause lets face it- none of us are a fantasy in the flesh), and be realistic. To me- you are one of the most realistic people/bloggers I read. Again- no BS here from the Grunt.

I heard clairity here- maybe not details...but definitely you've stated what you DON'T want- and sometimes knowing that is more important- or just as important- as knowing what you do want.

Peace friend~

Clearlykels said...

What can I say, other than I'm definitely going to keep you around so keep smiling. We don't want you to have to resign from Team Wholesome.

vera said...

Now there's the questioning, cynical, dubious, angry, overwhelmed, clawing and fighting Grunty that I know and love...
It's good to have you back...
/Vera

The Grunt said...

Wheeeeeee!

Sometimes discovery is better than clarity. I don't mind getting my ribs kicked in and then being told I was really having cake and ice cream. Really.

Joking aside. No, really, I've put that aside.

The Grunt said...

Discovery kind of trumps the clarity that you were searching for. Discovery is not the clarity you want, but the clarity that you need. Sometimes an unfocused mess is just that. I can see that clearly now. I might not be able to take in that whole mess, but I am more aware of its existence now.

I have a giant mess to deal with. Where's the freakin' 409?

The Grunt said...

Rama-lama-ding-dong!

Clearlykels said...

You really are a goober. Keeps me very entertained.

Cindra said...

Grunt, you don't gotta be entertaining if you're not there right now. I think we've all been where you are to some extent...I know I was...and damn...there was my man, right when I gave up. We're married and happy to know that there are know freakin' fairytales, but there are pleasant versions of reality to look forward to...hang in there, and don't make too many rules for yourself!

And I still wanna see pictures of all this imagery that gave you the impetus for so much conemplation.

Sun Follower said...

Wow. Sounds like you had a sucky vacation in Miseryland. You seem to be too far in your head...

Maybe your next vacation a should be spent spending time with people or doing things that are life-affirming and make you happy. Hmm -you could use that in your everyday life too, it seems.

Logophile said...

Aaaah, Mister Grunt, the temptation to respond to some of that as sexual innuendo is hard to resist. Does that mean you are a pervert, or that I am?

As to the other, we've discussed enough you know my views, come on monkey boy, let's jitterbug!

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I understand giving up on the fairy tales. I also have let go of my belief in karma.

Egan said...

You're a deep thinker. I wish I pontificated as much as you do. Keep on rockin'. Mick says hi.

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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cash said...

Grunt my friend, your blog is 90% read by women. You get the solitude you want to get. If I am wrong, there is every chance the chick you want is just nuts. Or a player. Women do that too, y'know.

Güggs said...

sometimes when you try to unpack what is up there, you find yourself more lost than before. so try not to unpack so much and just let it happen. ;)

Photogirl said...

grr, I hate when that happens. (the lost post thing)

Egan said...

I see you have a new friend interested in taking money out of your pockets.

vera said...

anonymous sucks arse!

LindzyPinzy said...

wow thats pretty harsh. I promise no bullshite from me..not sure if you are referring to anybody on here or not...but nontheless no bullshite from me

goldennib said...

If we never had expectations we would never be disappointed.

goldennib said...

I bet that wasn't helpful.

I know a place where you can make $900.

Anyway, there are some shitty people out there that are fucked up. That's their problem.

You go at life with an open heart, which makes you a good person. If someone you attempt to connect with can't deal with that, it doesn't mean you are the broken one.

As hard as it may be, you must keep going. We are not meant to be with everyone we meet. Can you imagine how tired your wee wee would get? Sheesh, you think you're a basketball player or sumpin'?