I was working on my vacation post and something happened where everything on my computer froze. I hadn't saved what I wrote and it is all kaput!
One thing I will say is that this vacation did nothing to clear my mind. I had a great adventure. I did not relax one bit. I thought a lot about my life and certain people. No clarity was achieved, only more complexity. As I looked at the surrounding desolation and numerous dead things, the struggle for life was the only thing that made sense to me. It's the only thing I know. I don't know much about pleasure or love, to be frank. I think that love exists only in one's mind. Where I was, love does not exist. Nature kicks the shit out of it and leaves it bleeding in a dry wash somewhere to die.
This may sound Nihilistic, but I have only had more motivation to stay unattached and without obligations to a companion now more than any other time in my life. I let my mind entertain fairytales for a spell this year of my life and feel a deep frustration over it all. Fantasy left me high and dry. Now, I don't trust fantasy. Fantasy pales in comparison to complex reality. There is nothing more real than that smell of wet death drying out in the desert. Please, no more cosmic bullshit for me, thanks.
I no longer believe in fairy tales. If I happen to decide to carry on with a person who wants in my deal, fine, but they better know that bullshit is not allowed. I know I'm wrong about some of this, but it is the way I feel at the moment. I am right about the things that matter least to me and wrong about the things that I hope for. I feel like such a damn fool for believing. That's life. Suck it up, bitch!
I still have no idea what people see in me and why. Why some people stick around and others treat me like a flavor of the month. I just love being sucked on hard, then tossed out for wild cherry, grape, or whatever shit tastes good at the moment.
All together now: DANCE MONKEY!
I promise a more coherrent and funny post ahead.
4 years ago