Sunday, October 08, 2006

A conversation about life with the Hillbilly Twins

I came across these two guys while looking for meteorites out in the back country. They (Larry and Tim) were using a half-spent plutonium rod to heat their cabin. Well, we can't all be superhuman, so I declined the offer to step inside and feel the "green heat". I found their little compound to be well organized and decided that there was more going on with these two than their looks. I started up a conversation with them out by their wood pile. We all sat on a log together shooting the shit. I'd like to share that with y'all.

Me (throws in a bit of the hillspeak): "Well, you two sure look fit. What'd y'all do for getting on top of that?"

Tim: "Ya see, there are things that are left untouched by the man. What ya have that is untouched is still fresh from the God's hands. Lord of Hosts, mercy me tenfold!"

Larry: "Yasum boy, ya listen now. Y'all partook of second hand goods what's gone thru the middle of man. We sup right from the teat of God's dairy cow. Whaddya s'pect with all y'all meddlin' with the nature?"

Me: "So, if I understood you two, the reason for your abilities to survive living in the same room with a hot plutonium rod is that God is serving you breakfast and supper. Right?"

Larry: "Some'd say yes, but I's say hell yeah!"

Tim: "The God, the Holy Ghost, and most of all the Jesus Christ over easy, toast with jam and butter!"

Larry: "Don' forget coffee."

Tim: "Well, that's from that Juan fella. He's Catholic, but I figures he's a'ight."

Me: "Changing the subject now, how much proper schooling have you two had? If not at a public or private school, then what?"

Tim: "Well, our nanny Jean raised us proper and clever enough. I mean, we's got a handle on where we's living better than any man."

Larry: "I 'member what ol' Jean tol' us about how shit rolls down hill and that's the reason we's all still keepin' ourselves upwind an' high like."

Me: "One of my favorite musicians, Captain Beefheart, only went to half a day of Kindergarten but was considered a child prodigy. At 13, he was offered a scholarship to study sculpture in Italy. One of the things that he has said is something that I try to live by, 'If you want to be a different fish you gotta jump outta the school.' What do you two think of that?"

Tim: "Now there's a bit o' sumpin' that ya can hang yer hat and yer coat on."

Larry: "Clever an' true. Jean's second man was quite the wise feller. He was half Chinaman and the rest o' him was pure Scotch Irish with a touch of Melungian in him."

Tim: "Yeah, he had the shovel teeth an' all."

Larry: "Now, I'm the one talkin' here. He was one o' them railroad worker/tent city whore bastards. He had on him the most innerestin' talking ways. Foreign, but no one's get him on the button."

Me: "What did he go by?"

Larry: "Lee MacConner, but we all called him 'Colonel Y'all-a-naw', 'cause he done naw jus' 'bout everthin'. He says to me one night, 'Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger' and then hits me o'er the bucket with a trout. He then says, 'That there's a rainbow's end of knowing, son'."

Me: "That's actually kind of gross. What did he mean by that?"

Tim: "I gots this'un. He means that y'all gotta take care of things before ya rest, 'cause if ya don't ya'll will wake up with that awful unfinished business sharing bunks with yer boogers."

Me: "That is very wise indeed."


goldennib said...

Wisdom from the innocents. Good advice.

Gentleman-hobbs said...

Shit best take my blow up to bed tonight in case I get nightmares

Logophile said...

you got too close.

Thomas said...

Oh to be young and to be a hillbilly...

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Hillbillies can be so wise.

And those two were quite handsome! Maybe you can hook me up.

Jules said...

Very astute advice... you hit the nail right on the head with this post, Grunty. Now excuse me, I have to go get my business done.

Cindra said...

My stomach is killing me, just from reading your profile, and now this! Awesome.

Just Tom said...

Now that was a good read. I live in Oregon and Oregon is one of those places where the urban areas are pretty cosmopolitan-- Portland (skip Salem) on down to the two University towns of Corvallis and Eugene (the Berkeley of Oregon)at least. But if you go just a few miles out of town-- I mean ten or twenty in any direction-- you are just not sure what are going to find. But, like Kesey (Springield-- blech), you listen to everyone, there is wisdom that can be found and something to be gained even if just a great story. great blog. Peace Tom

Clearlykels said...

You are just too much. You do know how to get a good laugh.:-) Have a good day!

blog Portland said...

They look like the bastard twins of Thomas Hayden Church.

And Tom is right. I once shot skeet in North Plains... next to a legally blind man.

LindzyPinzy said...

cool. i love the itchy bum and stinky finger in the morning part and how you gotta take care of things before ya rest

good one grunt

The Grunt said...

Nessa~ There is wisdom everywhere. You just have to lift up that rock of ignorance first to find it.

G-hobbs~ Whatever makes the nights less lonely;)

Logo~ Dude!!!

Thomas~ Oh to be just young and know what we know now.

O-girl~ Yeah, just give me your number and I'll hook you up;)

Jules~ Business, eh? Be sure to check for clingons.

Cindra Jo~ Glad you liked it. I will be checking out your blog soon. Welcome to Grunt Ahoy!

Just Tom~ I have seen that part of Oregon, very true. I hope you and Cindra come back again.

Kels~ Making you laugh=Me happy. I like math.

JJ~ I have a friend that lives in Vancouver, Washington just across the Columbia. I get up there once in a while. I do love that Portland area. Nice to see you around again.

Lindzy~ I am going to repeat my equation: Lindzy enjoying Grunt's blog=Happy Grunt.

Photogirl said...

Hillspeak! ha. I love it. Too funny.

Mayden's Voyage said...

I thought people like that only lived in the NC mountains!
Heavens- I might have cousins in your neck of the woods! :)
Wait, no I don't. My husband does though! :)

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Sun Follower said...


Um, I can't EVEN look at the photo! It reminds me of that X-Files episode with the inbreds! :0