First off, the previous post (Not the "Where's Waldo?" post) I kind of went with a feeling. I don't know why people think that I was directing this at a particular person other than myself. I have realized that most of the time you (I) choose how you (I) feel. I have been frustrated with only one person: Me.
A dolphin swims around acting stupid eating fish, but is smart. Many people react a certain way to what a dolphin does. The dolphin is just being a dolphin, you are allowing yourself to be amused or enchanted by this creature. This is what I was driving at. The persons that have been a part of my life that were of this experience are who they are and I like them for it. They did a good job of being them. Take a bow.
I am just trying to evaluate the emotional choices that I make. No one else is responsible for the way I feel--they do not have that much power over me, unless I allow it. I made this period of my life sound like it was a bad thing. It wasn't; in fact, it was quite the opposite. It is that I can't force an experience to end up exactly how I want it to. I have been known to be one that views drama as something of an amusement. I am not a pure child. I will sometimes choose to involve myself in something for inspiration. It is selfish, but sometimes it fuels me and my creative nature. I find this troubling for my lasting happiness, so I am deconstructing this behavior in order to better deal with it. I'm a little stinker.
Working on shaping my future starts with these kind of choices. The harshness of my post was like burning my crops and letting the ashes fertilize my soil. The trip was good, but I could not force the experience. I was trying, in those quiet moments, to contemplate certain things when I already knew the answers. The confusion and murkiness comes when I choose to dwell on things that really do not need further attention. I just need to get out of a rut and I feel that I chose to ponder dead issues. The notion of love being dead, or non-existent, was my way of burying my notions of love--a subject that I write a lot of songs about . I am now like a child again, ready to take in a new meaning, a new experience, redefine what it is to me, that thing.
Death is a reality that does not disturb me. How and when things die can disturb me. But, death is something that I find fascinating and beautiful in the sense that it is a very special and meaningful part of our existence. There are many forms of death, but all will and do contribute to other forms of life. I am killing off a section of bad crop in order to grow something better to harvest. This field fire is violent and scary at first, but if done with care, will rid myself of unnecessary internal longings and muse. I will have discovery and continue on. However, this time I evolve to the next level of creativity.
I am building something here. You all are allowed to watch me work. I am considerate enough to minimize collateral damage; in fact, my priority is to uplift those that I am in contact with and ensure that my creative process does nothing but enlighten them.
Are you all still part of this fiesta?
3 years ago