Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Post Evaluation

First off, the previous post (Not the "Where's Waldo?" post) I kind of went with a feeling. I don't know why people think that I was directing this at a particular person other than myself. I have realized that most of the time you (I) choose how you (I) feel. I have been frustrated with only one person: Me.

A dolphin swims around acting stupid eating fish, but is smart. Many people react a certain way to what a dolphin does. The dolphin is just being a dolphin, you are allowing yourself to be amused or enchanted by this creature. This is what I was driving at. The persons that have been a part of my life that were of this experience are who they are and I like them for it. They did a good job of being them. Take a bow.

I am just trying to evaluate the emotional choices that I make. No one else is responsible for the way I feel--they do not have that much power over me, unless I allow it. I made this period of my life sound like it was a bad thing. It wasn't; in fact, it was quite the opposite. It is that I can't force an experience to end up exactly how I want it to. I have been known to be one that views drama as something of an amusement. I am not a pure child. I will sometimes choose to involve myself in something for inspiration. It is selfish, but sometimes it fuels me and my creative nature. I find this troubling for my lasting happiness, so I am deconstructing this behavior in order to better deal with it. I'm a little stinker.

Working on shaping my future starts with these kind of choices. The harshness of my post was like burning my crops and letting the ashes fertilize my soil. The trip was good, but I could not force the experience. I was trying, in those quiet moments, to contemplate certain things when I already knew the answers. The confusion and murkiness comes when I choose to dwell on things that really do not need further attention. I just need to get out of a rut and I feel that I chose to ponder dead issues. The notion of love being dead, or non-existent, was my way of burying my notions of love--a subject that I write a lot of songs about . I am now like a child again, ready to take in a new meaning, a new experience, redefine what it is to me, that thing.

Death is a reality that does not disturb me. How and when things die can disturb me. But, death is something that I find fascinating and beautiful in the sense that it is a very special and meaningful part of our existence. There are many forms of death, but all will and do contribute to other forms of life. I am killing off a section of bad crop in order to grow something better to harvest. This field fire is violent and scary at first, but if done with care, will rid myself of unnecessary internal longings and muse. I will have discovery and continue on. However, this time I evolve to the next level of creativity.

I am building something here. You all are allowed to watch me work. I am considerate enough to minimize collateral damage; in fact, my priority is to uplift those that I am in contact with and ensure that my creative process does nothing but enlighten them.

Are you all still part of this fiesta?

14 comments:

Jules said...

YUP!

Logophile said...

Party on, Wayne!

vera said...

controlled burn...
meh, even wicked forest fires have beautiful regrowth afterwards... people are always so quick to judge that the "bad" parts in life are just a mere hurdle or bump to get over or it's something that will pass and "PHEW!!!" you can move on to The Happiness. fuck the happiness. im not saying its worthy of rejection, im just of the mind that you embrace all this shit and muck and bluddy-well bathe yourself in it... b/c *THAT* is what life is... it makes you appreciate the fleeting moments of happiness that much more... you're kidding yourself if your life is a 50/50 of bliss/dung... then again, im not judging *snork*, im just saying, i dont know ANYONE who is *happy* 50% of the time... most people dont know that the fuck they are at any given time. so yes, im convinced you DO have clarity... at least, from MY perspective... which, as you already know, is mostly full of crap... HA! but you don't owe any one of us an explanation to "you"... we have to suck it up and deal with you as you are or hide in the G!D! shadows and wait for your ray of effing sunshine to burst through the Dark Clouds Of Doom (tm) once again... HA! erm... ok, i'll stfu now...
anyway... i haven't posted any comments of "substance" in a while so i thought i'd throw my two cents into the mire and see if floats face up or face down...
/vera

Queue_t said...

I have said on many occations that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncomming train ! so it is good to deal with your own issues and see what comes to the light.

I for one will not stop my lurking and reading and commenting, I think that the fire and reseed is a good concept overall and I want to keep on beating the pinatta and having a great big fiesta OLE. QT

Chandra said...

I am shocked that the man that claimed he has "freakishly large hands" can be so analytical and emotionally empathetic. Shocked in the good way mind you!

Have a wicked awesome day :)

Mayden's Voyage said...

Present...

LindzyPinzy said...

I find you so enlightening

cash said...

Seriously. Do you even know any men?

Other than me, I mean.

Karyn said...

Arriba! Arriba! And other things one might shout at a fiesta after consuming a few margaritas.

Count me in.

Sun Follower said...

On the rocks, no salt, please.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I'm here for it all...the fiestas and the siestas.

cindra said...

Absolutely...wouldn't miss it. Cheers!

Pokey said...

I am down for a fiesta. I will take a pitcher of margaritas please and thank you.

goldennib said...

Ok, this is the fifth fuckin' time. If that doesn't show you how much I love you, then too dooky darn bad.