Thursday, February 26, 2009

Garden Gnomes and other creatures

I took the above picture while hiking in a deep canyon in the Wasatch range. It's a bit out of focus. I was frightened. I could not hold my camera phone still. What are the chances that I would come across such a mythical creature in the real world? But there it was: a garden gnome roaming around in its natural habitat. I was just happy to get out of there without a shovel mark or a bearding.

Here is another rare creature: the "ghost-eyed" Yogi. This is rumored to be the ghost of a tortured circus bear, a brown bear from Russia. Apparently, the bear died from dysentery--he drank the water down in Tijuana. They say that if this bear appears before you while you are eating a taco, you will suffer from lethal diarrhea.

This is the place where bad animals and garden gnomes go when they die: to motor travel lodges along the old highway systems around the U.S., doomed to entertain and scare the shit out of lost souls who can't afford to stay in a real hotel.

Oh, and yes, that gnome is giving you the finger, the other gnomes belong to the Crips, and that baby bear is giving a hand job to the bear on the left.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Giblet gravy

Scientists need to find a way to harness the power of dog farts. This would end the energy crisis.

I asked a hypothetical question of some of my friends recently. The question was, "If clown tears cured cancer what would be the best way of collecting them?" Here were some of their answers:
  • Run over their floppy shoes with those little cars of theirs.
  • Onion goggles.
  • Torture.
  • Hide their liquor.
  • Tell them that they are a chicken and if they don't start producing eggs that you will start taking off toes one by one with a pair of bolt cutters.
I want to hear your suggestions.

I think everyone on my mom's side of the family has found me on Facebook. I guess my dad's side of the family is too busy getting drunk and hitting each other. I'm just happy that only one of my relatives knows about this blog.

Whatever happened to nun chucks?

I often think about the Hamburglar's motivations for stealing all those hamburgers. I don't see how he can eat them all himself. I think he is in love with Wimpy and is trying to win over his heart.

Have you ever been someone's PDA?

When you have erotic dreams involving people at work do you find it hard to look them in the eye the next day? I do.

You haven't lived until you've seen a cow eat an orange.

Squirrels are dreaming about nuts right now.

Dogs are dreaming about smelling bad things right now.

Cats are dreaming about how they are going to ignore you tomorrow.

Cow's are dreaming about winning a speed boat race and saying "Moo!" at random things.

What do you dream about?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I am The Grunt's lack of enthusiasm

So often I chastise myself for not living up to my ideals that I set up for myself on this blog: Nothing.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

So, I was bored tonight...

This is my "bored" look. Muhammad Ali protects my slumber from evil leprechauns and monsters. Let's see...I know! I will take pictures of a tract that I defaced.
This here is a tract from "Religion" brand religion. You may have heard of it before. Anyway, whoever does their art, I want to do a special happy dance for you, because I always get a big kick out of your work. Ok, the text here is fairly simple (read: idiotic). Playing on the whole, "God didn't create Adam and Steve" mentality, I just wondered if God just did away with the whole Adam guy altogether (defective nipples or something) and this guy Steve just shows up one day picking fruit, which we all know is gay. Eve is patient with Steve, and his coast to coast nipple chain (with a junction down to Foreskinville), but soon resorts to animal therapy instead. The caption reads: "If Adam were really Steve". Steve's says, in a "Oh, what a beautiful morning" voice, "Mmmmm! Fruit again!!! La-la-la-la!" Eve is engaged in a deep one-on-one with Scamper, the squirrel. She is saying, "Oh, Scamper! You are the only one in the Garden who truly understands what a woman needs." Scamper is embarking on his first of many "WTF" Garden moments.

You know, I think this really happened. I should go check the Bible to make sure.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Music meme I got from Scott

Scott's a man with one hell of a sense for music, so when he did this I had to follow suite. Here we go.

1) What's a piece of music, any genre, any year, and form, (i.e 45, album, MP3, etc), that you often return to. Something that continually resonates throughout your life, and seems to gain greater impact as you grow older. How often do you find yourself seeking this piece?

Answer: The Who's Quadrophenia. I have always been trying to integrate all the competing parts of who I am to find the real me. I've been listening to this album since 1989 consistently.

2) Is there a specific story that relates to this?

Answer: Nope.

3) Was there a piece of music, despite the fact that you may have "outgrown" it now that at one time changed your life? How about something you feel you'll never outgrow?

A: Um, probably "Eruption" by Edward Van Halen and various works by Steve Vai. I am well over it now, but when I first heard those works, it was when I was a kid and it blew my preconceptions of what the guitar could do. I wasn't around for Hendrix to blow my mind while he was alive, so these guys did it for me. As for never outgrowing something, that would be Heavy Metal.

4) Could a piece of music that you found in common with a stranger bond you for life? Is there a story behind that?

A: It could, but it hasn't yet.

5) Is there a favorite artist that you had that you gave up on only to have him or her redeem themselves?

A: Yes: Alice Cooper, Jimmy Page, and Roky Erickson.

6) Has music ever got you through some really tough times? How?

A: Yes, probably Neil Young and Chris Bell, but Rush got me through adolescence because they are geeks who stick together and kick ass.

7) Can music change the world or is that naive wishful thinking?

A: It already did in the sixties, but not exactly how they wanted it to.

8) Is Rock and Roll dead?

A: Aw, hells no! As long as there's that sex in music, that rocks back and forth in the rhythm, then it isn't dead--they are just re-branding it so the kiddies will think that they have something original for their generation.

9) What's the song you wish played at you wedding? How about your funeral?

A: At my wedding I would want Pachelbel's Canon in D Major to be played. While my body is being prepared for burial I want Strauss' The Blue Danube waltz to be played. When my funeral is actually happening I want Dylan's "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" to be played.

10) What's the greatest live show you ever saw? In what year? Why? How old were you then? Did you attend with friends? Were you a skeptic going in?
Did you enter a huge fan? How about the most disappointing show? Why?

A: Pink Floyd at ASU stadium in 1994. I was 21. I was with friends, strangers, and my brother.
How could you be skeptical about Pink Floyd? I was a huge fan. The most disappointing show was ZZ Top at a festival because Dusty Hill was too fat and sweaty to finish the set and they left early. Billy Gibbons was awesome, though.

11) Has your feelings about recorded or live music changed over the years?

A: Arenas are evil. Small venues are bliss. Recorded music: MP3 compression is evil. Analog is the best when it is done/heard under the right circumstances. Digital is user friendly, economical, and has a high potential for both good and evil.

12) Do you listen to radio? How do you listen to music?

A: I don't listen to the radio unless that's all there is. I listen to music via my computer, Ipod, my truck's system (CD and MP3), my turntable, and my Walkman for my old tapes. I also get a kick out of listening to music on my brother's antique RCA phonograph.

13) Has the amount of time you listen to music changed over the years? To what extent?

A: I mainly listen to music now while I am doing something, like driving or working. I used to take hours out of the day just to listen to albums. It sucks, but I can't help feeling like I am wasting time just sitting there. I chalk it up to growing older.

14) In these tough economic stressful times do you gravitate towards a different kind of music, i.e happy, nostalgic, the blues, then you did say, 4 years ago?

A: I haven't been listening to bleak music for awhile because my life has needed more sustaining influences lately. It isn't that it is sunny music, just not dark without any redeeming quality. So, I haven't listened to much Dissection, Electric Wizard, or Bauhaus lately.

15) You're stuck on a desert isle, you've got a mix Cd with 10 songs you're stuck with until your dying day, (or at leas until you're rescued) what are those 10 songs and why?

  1. "Wish you were here" Floyd: Because I wish I'd have someone else there with me.
  2. "The Knife" Genesis: Because I need something to make me fall asleep and it's long.
  3. "2112" Rush: Because I said so.
  4. "Powderfinger" Neil Young: Young is so cryptic and I still need to figure out the whole story on this one.
  5. "Like a Rolling Stone" Dylan: This song always makes my neck hairs stand on end, especially Al Kooper and Mike Bloomfield's contributions to the playing on this one.
  6. "Mahgeetah" My Morning Jacket: This song just feels beautiful.
  7. "War Pigs" Black Sabbath: I need my heavy metal and this one is the finest example of the genre.
  8. "Wild Horses" Rolling Stones: It gives me longing.
  9. "Waterloo Sunset" The Kinks: This song breaks my heart in a good way.
  10. "Won't Get Fooled Again" The Who: Because Roger Daltery's yell is empowering.
That took way too friggin long.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Pitch Chewer

There's this old lady in a play pen, peeling hard-boiled eggs. I don't know what her name is. She sits there like a prisoner, chewing pitch gum and cussing at imaginary people. Greasy-haired W.C. Fields lookalike with big floppy breasts, one slung over her right shoulder. A mean old lady with swollen feet and ankles, arm flaps and missing teeth. I call her "mom" and pay for her time.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A post from a Viking: "Target Audience"

Whatever you do, just don't feed them. They'll keep coming back. We here at Vollewraithe are actively engaged in providing adolescent and adult men, who have no purpose in life, shelter from the storm.

We see that the specimen on the left is pretty far along in his mentoring. His right hand is in the correct position for sitting. The specimen on the right clearly needs our help. If he does not stop we will have to get Richard Simmons and Tom Cruise over here to scare him straight.

As always, Chuck Norris will be watching from the bedroom closet. He's old.

(Taken from an old blog of mine. Enjoy!)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Still sick...

But getting better. I felt like I bought the whole damn pharmacy today. I have to say, though, after having cancer I get a lot of time with my doc. He's making up for not figuring out what was wrong with me in a timely manner back then. So, anyway, I've got a nasty bronchial infection going on. Of course, that all sounds too familiar in that most dreadful way. However, I don't have all those mystery symptoms going on and there is no pain, that awful organ crushing pain. Damn, it's good to just have to deal with small potatoes.

I've got to get some shut eye. I'll be around to visit soon.

Sunday, February 08, 2009


I'm sick. The good news is that I've now got my new laptop to keep me entertained. The laptop isn't ultra high-end, but it is pretty freaking awesome. It's a "Hell" Studio 1525.
What else? I dunno. The eternal drama that is family still keeps going on. I can still deal with it. I am pretty jazzed about getting a recording interface for this computer and sell off my cheesy digital 8-track mini studio. I will always keep my analog 4-track machine, because you never should lose your roots. There is a lot that I plan on doing now. But, right at this moment, I have to get some sleep and get well.

Thursday, February 05, 2009


I haven't done one of these in awhile. Anyhooter, spring is coming and you know what that means? Scooters! A scooter is to a motorcycle as a femme is to a butch. Or, a scooter is to a fat man as a monkey riding a dog--funny. Girls on scooters are a pleasure, I must say. But, a girl on a bullet bike is even better, but not TIGF!!! I think the reason scooters are gay are the tiny wheels and seating position--it looks like you are observing correct posture, very square. I wish there was something else. I'm pretty tired right now. You'll have to help me out on this one.

BTW, the video clip that I stole features a song from one of my favorite obscure punk bands from the late '70s, The Pop Rivets.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Wander Lobster

Am I the only one who likes to lift the door and watch the washer wash my clothes?

I want to become the Hugh Hefner of dairy products, specifically, cheese.

Imagine being inside a car where the interior has been turned into an aquarium. The car still drives. You are in full diving gear. There are all manner of tropical fish swimming around inside. This is the ultimate driving experience.

I want to go camping on Mars. As long as we depend on the government to bail our stupid asses out of our mistakes we will never innovate and my dream will never be realized.

Will humans ever be evolved enough to live without external government?

Where are the obtainable wild frontiers anymore?

A fart is the same in all languages.

The key to world peace is unbridled flatulence.

My address book is shrinking fast.

Dogs and cats should be equipped with bluetooth so that they can connect to your computer and chat, play W.O.W., and become online predators.

Farmers need to grow stuff that lets you know how it feels so that some people will have to just deal with the fact that to gain the energy sufficient to live, other things must die. Some people will then resort to living off of dust.

Are dust bins used for dust only? Are rubbish bins exclusive to just containing rubbish? Are the British retarded?

I've never known anyone to get excited about Nebraska. Have you?

My alter ego has its own secret identity that I am unaware of. This could be the reason that I woke up with a strange taste in my mouth this morning.

A girl told me today that the '80s are coming back and that to say "word" is cool again. Do we really have to do this to ourselves? Shit.

Word out.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Go hang a salami. I'm a lasagna hog.

My duplex neighbors are moving. The sound of them walking in and out of their side is depressing to me. The depression of them leaving will soon get replaced by the anxiety of new tenants moving in. The renter's cycle of life is much like a palindrome--you think you are going forward with your life but you can't tell when you are actually going backward. It's all the same. You rent your living space. I want to own my living space.

Very few people actually own their living space. It is all temporary on this earth. Whether you rent, lease, or borrow, how much are you really going to own in the end? Do you own your soul? Is there eminent domain with that sort of thing? I often fantasize about living totally independent of God and man, but this is impossible. I also question my motives for having such desires. To totally disconnect is to enter the void--to cease existing. If I believe in an afterlife (which I happen to), then death does not bring that about. If there is no afterlife, then why rush the trip to the black? I'm back to realizing that I am in my place on borrowed time. My goal is to exit that place without tragedy. No, I want to transcend my situation and my environs.

I continue to ponder about what it takes to preside totally over my own being. I have to realize that this is possible while remaining connected. I will have to deal with neighbors and they will want to trespass. I'm going to have to allow some people on my lawn, in my living room, into my room. I think it has something to do with giving. You can't give something away that is not yours to begin with.

Now, I must ask who is it that has ownership of me. What do I need to do to negotiate a deal to get myself back? When I get what I want how will I behave? There is an art in selflessness that does not betray self preservation. I want to learn that. I want gain myself and give of myself, without loss. To give with exponential gain in return; that is the investment that I need now.