My duplex neighbors are moving. The sound of them walking in and out of their side is depressing to me. The depression of them leaving will soon get replaced by the anxiety of new tenants moving in. The renter's cycle of life is much like a palindrome--you think you are going forward with your life but you can't tell when you are actually going backward. It's all the same. You rent your living space. I want to own my living space.
Very few people actually own their living space. It is all temporary on this earth. Whether you rent, lease, or borrow, how much are you really going to own in the end? Do you own your soul? Is there eminent domain with that sort of thing? I often fantasize about living totally independent of God and man, but this is impossible. I also question my motives for having such desires. To totally disconnect is to enter the void--to cease existing. If I believe in an afterlife (which I happen to), then death does not bring that about. If there is no afterlife, then why rush the trip to the black? I'm back to realizing that I am in my place on borrowed time. My goal is to exit that place without tragedy. No, I want to transcend my situation and my environs.
I continue to ponder about what it takes to preside totally over my own being. I have to realize that this is possible while remaining connected. I will have to deal with neighbors and they will want to trespass. I'm going to have to allow some people on my lawn, in my living room, into my room. I think it has something to do with giving. You can't give something away that is not yours to begin with.
Now, I must ask who is it that has ownership of me. What do I need to do to negotiate a deal to get myself back? When I get what I want how will I behave? There is an art in selflessness that does not betray self preservation. I want to learn that. I want gain myself and give of myself, without loss. To give with exponential gain in return; that is the investment that I need now.
4 years ago