Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Captain Random strikes again!

I've never seen a unicorn for realsies, but I have seen rainbows. What I'd like to see more than a unicorn is a unicorn crapping a rainbow. Wait. What I'd like to see even more than that is a rainbow crapping a unicorn.

I have recently been collecting cans for a Jehovah Witness lady at work so she can raise money for their church's youth group. This goes against what I normally hold dear to, that Jehovah Witnesses should only be on this earth to provide me with hilarious pamphlets that I can doodle on and deface. What's even funnier is when I do a commentary on such J-Dub artwork in a post and the picture goes missing. You are left with this: (update: picture removed by request)

I think the lion in this here scene is super pissed that Jesus is there. I mean, you can see the conflict in his eyes, "When is it ok to eat kids? 'Cause, I'm fucking hungry right now. Seriously, I could eat the ass end of an elephant right now!" This is just plain animal cruelty.

Meanwhile, Lord Jesus, astronaut, magician, wine maker, is showing off again. The lion seems to be the only one aware that our savior is cockeyed. He's thinking that there might be a chance to snatch one of these paradise kids while he's in Jesus' blind spot.

It's obvious that Jesus is telling some kind of story and he's not even looking at these kids. What's up with that anyway? Are we in some magical paradise or Neverland Ranch here. I think that it isn't a story that Jesus is on about here. I think he's discussing the third phase of development of his 'Coaster park. You can't lure in enough of the little ones, I guess.

On Paradise Earth they have the Epcot Center. No one can give blood or celebrate Christmas, but who the freak cares....WE GOT THE FUCKING EPCOT CENTER, WHOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yeah, right after this painting was done the lion helped himself to the little black girl. No one really seemed to care. The lion shrugged his shoulders in a "Sorry, my bad" kind of way, then they all hit the golden slip'n'slide. Fun times were had all around. Jesus walked right into a tree. His eye surgery is scheduled for this next Thursday.

So, yeah, I think I'm going to hell for that one. I tried real hard tonight to find that picture on the interwebs. Dammit! No dice. Instead, I found this one here:
These people are pretty dang happy despite all of the mayhem and destruction going on. Why? Because Jehovah god has come down to earth to rescue them. Hey, who would blame them. I think that would be some awesome shit. But what cracks my shit up is the "Out of Africa" lady to the left of the painting. She looks as if she is saying, "Oh, that's my Jehovah!" As for the rest of them, isn't it great that there could be such ethnic and racial diversity in that very section of Armageddon? Who knew that Benetton ads would continue on past the apocalypse? What the rest of the smiling people in this scene don't know is that the three men in the very back just made sweet three-way love to each other and they get to go with them. It's amazing what things a person will do when in distress, horny, or bored. Jesus will forgive.

If you didn't get enough blasphemy then read another post that I did making fun of JW art here. I go to bed now!


Julie Schuler said...

I made the mistake of being polite to some Jehovah's Witnesses when I first moved here. Fast forward months later, I'm holed up upstairs with my son, some toys, and a few provisions. We must stay clear of the windows! The shadows darken our doorstep. We can't go out! Will the knocking never end?!

Jay said...

If one is to take cues from the hairstyles in that picture, it looks like Armageddon happened in 1993.

The Grunt said...

Julie~ That used to be me until I acquired their handbooks that have all their arguments and methods--using it against them. I've made a few cry in my day. Now, I just say that I'm not interested because being mean sucks.

Jay~ Well, they are JW's. I think they are required to have dated fashion sense.

P.S. Everybody, excuse me for forgetting to put a link at the end of the post. I was tired and forgot to do it. Plus, I don't think many of you even read the links, so whatever. I'll put the link up anyway.

Jules said...

I just wanna know where the leprachauns fit into the whole rainbow/unicorn scenario!

Christielli said...

I will always hold some sort of respect for the JW because they actually knocked on my door trying to convert me when I lived in an isolated fly-in only community in Northwestern Ontario. That's commitment, or something like that.

The Grunt said...

Jules~ The leprechauns clean up after the unicorns and the rainbows make their pots'o'gold all shiny and shit.

Christielli~ Yeah, that is a bit spooky/impressive.

NYD said...

They look like the 4400 returning to earth after abduction and alien anal probes.

The Grunt said...

You know, you're freakin' right. Even the little girl in the front looks like the actress in that show.