Thursday, August 21, 2008

Nothing, absolutely nothing

Sorry. But you can enjoy this post from a discontinued blog of mine: The Mighty Force that is Dr. Vollewraithe.

Women, learn how to wear makeup

You know, as a secret on again, off again Viking persona of a famous blogger, I, Vollewraithe have seen women throughout time and I must say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But, let's face it, this future gig is much better than the filthy village wenches that passed as fair virgins back in the day. Still, I lament over the lack of true beauty in this world, and my sword thirsts for the blood of those who perpetuate this skank.

Sure, you are clean--your pits, at least. I have a special talisman that protects me from all forms of VD, even the dreaded cunt weavel! Surprisingly, my talisman is not that different from what modern pharmacists stock on their shelves. I believe they reference a form of wine bottle. Where was I? Oh yeah, my talisman does not protect me from skank. So, don't show up on a date looking like the demon Pazuzu, or as he goes by when out on the club circuit, "Captain Howdy"(pictured above). I've also encountered many slutty clown girls amongst my travels.

I had one date in particular that disappointed me greatly. I was wearing my best viking helmet and just polished my sword. When my date comes to the door, I swear I was looking at a baboon's ass that had been impaled with Indian jewelry and Swedish Fish. Naturally, I ate the fish, but it could have been much better. She just had no idea. It seems that her tenure at the state fair familiarized her with only the most base examples of female aesthetic. I promptly took her to the nearest opera house to show her examples of classy, chic ladies. It was a supreme bonus that "Ride of the Valkyries" was on the program of the night. I managed to conduct an after performance orgy with my date, five women from the audience, and Brunnhilde (Brynhildr, in my native tongue), the big-horned woman from the stage. After this educational experience, my date went on to bigger and brighter things, got married, and pumped out some kittens. I was proud of her, and glad to take my dear "Hyldie" on a extended sea voyage with my long boat. It was a total win-win for all involved.

So, whether you be a skank demon, or slutty clown, get educated on good makeup techniques, girls. Don't make me draw my sword for anything other than pleasure, ok?


Julie Schuler said...

Will there be a tutorial about eyeliner? I can't pick up a liner pencil without poking myself in the eye.

megatropolis said...

You actually wrote "cunt weavel"... I am unordinarily speechless.

Jay said...

I'm OK with an excess of make up if the girl is already good looking. Not Tammy Faye Baker too much, just white trash stripper too much.

Jules said...

Hey Grunty! Did you know you are inspiring? Check out your award on my other blog that I share with Si!

The Grunt said...

Julie~ Your eyeliner problem sounds like my drinking problem.

Meggypoo~ Considering that this was written in the guise of an anachronistic, blood-thirsty viking, no, you shouldn't be surprised. This was written during a phase I was going through. It's best to get this stuff out of my system. Anyways, the dreaded "cunt weavel" was thought to be a creature that inhabited the vagina. Ancient man had no idea what the clitoris was and believed it to be akin to a sea monster--something to be avoided. Ancient man was stupid.

Jay~ There was a Simpsons episode where Homer invented a makeup applicator that implemented a shotgun. I figure that some women have tried that...and some men.

Jules~ I had no idea. I'll go check it out!