Sunday, August 24, 2008

Going full randtard

I am really pissed off. I had an idea for a Nirvana tribute band and somebody beat me to it. It was today, as I read my latest issue of Mojo, that I was looking over all the history of Sub Pop records and it dawned on me that Nirvana needed its own tribute band. The name? Nearvana. But, alas, I Googled "Nearvana" and there was already such a thing. Damn! Where does this leave me now? Sreaming Bees? Nadhoney? Earl Jam? L7.1? Poundgarden? FAD??? There's only one way to do this right and that is to start a tribute band called "Wife Beater Forest Brigade". Basically, it is a whole send up to all things grunge. Personally, I just want to play Red Red Meat covers and be done with it.

I met my second blogger in real life, fo' realsies this weekend. Who was this blogger, you say? Well, it was Megatropolis. It turns out that she lives south of me on the Wasatch Front about forty miles. Meggypoo, you can thank me if that information brings you any stalkers to your neighborhood. Anyway, good times were had. Megatropolis is a cool girl and fun to hang with. I like making my imaginary friends become real;) It's nice to know that you all aren't Fig Newtons of my imagination. So, the list so far is Outdoorsy Girl and Megatropolis. Lookout the rest of yous!

You know what a favorite pastime of mine is, kids? Picking up strange women in my truck and giving them rides and cash. It sounds like I like my hookers, doesn't it? Well, you wouldn't be going out on a limb if you said yes--I like mine black and over easy. Seriously, I am a well behaved man who every once in a while likes to flirt with danger, or strange women looking for a ride. Well, tonight was one of those nights. I saw a woman at a bus stop and thought I knew her, so I waved. I park my truck and she comes up to me and that is when I notice that I do not, in fact, know this woman. She is in distress, has a couple of bags, and asks for my help. Thinking that there was some kind of "reward" included in the deal, I said "yes". She hopped in my truck and I set off southward about twenty miles. I got to hear her story about her mother dying, ex husband being a dick, and her take on spirituality. She was four years older than me. She said she was a paralegal. These little details kept coming. She then asked me for money. I gave her all that I had in my wallet, not much, but enough to get around town and whatnot. I got to her drop off point and conversed for about fifteen minutes with her, learned her name, and told her that I'd pray for her. It would have been easy for me to have blown her off, or to think of her as some weirdo, but I actually felt real good about helping her out. I'm thinking that she will remember me in her prayers as well. Considering what could lie ahead for me, I'm going to need all of the prayers I can get.

Having just told you that story, I don't think that women should go around picking up strange men, unless they are 5'10 1/2" and go by the web moniker "Grunt". Anyway, it probably isn't always a good idea for guys to go around picking up strange women, no matter how good looking they may be. I mean, you never know when the next Aileen Wuornos could be out there.

I had an idea for a snack food: glow in the dark jerky and soda. I am not joking. This would make me filthy rich. The question is, how could I make food glow without it killing someone? Remember kiddies, killing is not only bad, it's wrong--it's baddong!

If I were to live out one Rush song it would be, "Xanadu". I would love to "To seek the sacred river Alph. To walk the caves of ice. To break my fast on honeydew. And drink the milk of Paradise..." That shit would be awesome. Plus, I could be held within the Pleasure Dome...decreed by Kubla Khan, of course. Pardon me, was my geek hanging out there for a moment? Sorry.

You know what goes great with pie? More pie. In fact, if I could somehow hold Marie Calender hostage, my ransom demands would just be "more effin' pie, or else the broad gets it!!!" Of course, I like my pie à la mode, but on apple pie I do like slices of sharp cheddar or Swiss cheese on top. Anyone else do that? In the future they will have hover pie and dessert will be changed forever. Remember that I said that. Nostradamus has nothing on me, mister.

Dismissed.

11 comments:

Julie Schuler said...

Finally! Someone agrees with me!
Apple pie without the cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.
That's my motto. Except I would never let a storebought pie cross my threshold. It's from scratch, baby. All the way. In my fifties' housewife apron.

I don't see why you couldn't make glow in the dark food. Use that stuff that comes in glo-sticks, where you snap them and they glow for eight hours. We used to give one to our four year old every night. It helped him stay in bed and quit bothering us until he fell asleep. Then one early morning I went into his room and he was glowing, and his sheets were glowing, because the glo-stick broke. I freaked out a little bit, but then I read the wrapper and it said non-toxic. So I think it would be perfectly fine as a food additive.

But we don't give him glo-sticks anymore at bedtime.

Jay said...

If those products translate to day-glo poo, I'm in. This way I can read by the light of my own waste while camping.

Diane Mandy said...

I met three bloggers this past weekend and it was a great time. I think it's great when real world and virtual world collide.

megatropolis said...

I'm so sorry the Nearvana thing didn't work out, but I like where your head is at.

Mmmm... Fig Newtons. I love me a good cookie. Yes, thank you for the flick. Next time I will do a full inspection of your battle scars.

And in the future, when you pick up strange women, you should probably try getting some money out of them. Just a thought.

Christielli said...

Your first paragraph had me in stitches dude. I'm sad that someone got to Nearvana before you, but I really think there is a future with the band Earl Jam, as long as the lead singer goes by the name Earl.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Awww that means I am not the one and only anymore. Oh well, I don't mind sharing my friends.

The Grunt said...

Julie~ You've got style! I bet that was a bit freaky to see your son glowing like that.

Jay~ See, I already have you as an investor. This would make working at the sewage treatment plant more interesting for a person, at least.

Diane~ Yeah, I've been letting my guard down on meeting people from the web. It helps that both of the people I have met are awesome as hell.

Meggypoo~ Can I show you where the dog bit me?

Christielli~ How well can you play the bass? I was thinking of doing a Lemonheads tribute band and you could be Juliana Hatfield. I would be Evan Dando, naturally. We would put a dark twist on their songs and call ourselves "The Demonheads".

O-Girl~ I need all the friends I can get:)

Keshi said...

I've missed ya!


u know wut...I've never met a blogger in real. but something very close to it happened today! Will blog abt it soon :)


hey Grunty ur so fine, ur so fine
I wanna make u mine!

;-)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Grunty I want u to take part in my current post...I wanna hear ur flight's Black Box recording :)

Keshi.

The Grunt said...

Keshi~ Yeah, I haven't been going around and visiting like I used to. I've been using my time to take care of some side jobs. But I come around, eventually:)

Keshi said...

ty Grunty! :)

Keshi.