Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Why fight?

I have thought about this question quite a bit lately. I would get in a depressed state and all sorts of horrible thoughts would enter my mind. It was at a point where I really should have talked to my doctors about getting counseling. I am a bit prideful and did not ask for help. You can all scold me now. Anyway, at some point I asked myself the question, "Why am I fighting so hard to save my life?" The answers didn't come as fast as I would have liked them to.

After a while of agonizing about it, it turned out that there were many things that I felt my life was worth fighting for. I was focusing on the things that I felt ashamed and bad about. Those things eclipsed the good in my life. It was that skewed perception of things that caused me to ask the question in the first place. Going through that hard evaluation revealed something to me. The reason that I am fighting so hard for my life is that I will have all the good things, plus, I will also have the chance to change what I don't like about my life.

Fairly simple stuff, but when you feel like giving up the fight, it is astounding what you are willing to throw away in order to surrender, to lay down. Now, I focus on the amazing things I've done to save my life and to keep on going, willing to work through the more underwhelming and messy aspects of my life.

I think that I deserve an ice cream cone for all of this.

(In reference to the previous post, I don't think anybody got my "Utah: Fillmore, Virgin, Beaver!!!" joke.)


Sun Follower said...

"Why fight?" Another way to see it is would be "Why give up?"

Because you have a wonderful life, that's why. Birth, death, pain, happiness, love, loss, hurt, elation... it's all quite beautiful... and so are you.

Jules said...

What kind of ice cream would you like? I'll hand deliver it as soon as I can get away from here!!

Melliferous Pants said...

Ice cream or fro-yo? Hell, you get BOTH!

Melliferous Pants said...

And toppings.

Crystal said...

i think you should fight for the people you love too dammit. and that love you.

my good friend just lost his best friend to cancer today. he is devastated. even thought i did not know her, i am devastated for him.

you have to fight for yourself. and you have to fight for us.

Clearlykels said...

I'm glad you were able to climb out of that hole, but there are so many people who are so good at helping you before you get to that point. I know that you know it now-- but please keep it in mind.

Diane Mandy said...

...with a cherry on top!

Scott said...

Notice how you have all these women commenting on your blog and offering visits. that is a pretty good reason to fight.

just sayin

Christielli said...

Awesome post dude. You rock.

I might as well point out that the best ice cream is Greg's Roasted Marshmallow, which you can only get here at Greg's Ice Cream here in Toronto. Totally worth the trip. ;)

Keshi said...

Grunty the qn should be WHY NOT FIGHT?

Ur amazing and so brave!


The Grunt said...

Sun~ That is a better perspective. The question that I had for myself was that I must be fighting for something and I had to remind myself why that was. You are beautiful too, you know:)

Jules~ I like rocky road. Yum!

Pants~ Hell yeah!

Crystal~ You know I'd fight for those that I love. I hope you know that you are in that group. I won't give up. I'm like Muhammad Effin' Ali. I have a poster of him hanging over my bed that says, "Impossible is nothing."

Kels~ I do need to use all the resources at hand to help me out instead of trying to be the "tough guy" all the time. I'm glad you care enough to point that out to me.

Diane~ Most definitely!

Scott~ Now that's perspective!

Christielli~ Yet another reason for me to visit Toronto.

Keshi~ Yeah, I know that is how I should have asked the question, but when I was feeling down the question came at me like it did. I'm past that now.

Julie Schuler said...

One of my friends, another pessimest like myself said recently, "I don't want to sound like a pessimist, but my glass looks half empty to me, and what's left in there tastes like shit." Sometimes just the opportunity to describe the taste of the shit to everyone around us is reason enough to get up in the morning.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Definitely ice cream!

I think that we all sometimes ask that question. And I like your answer to that question. You will have the good things and a chance for change. :)

Oh yeah....And I TOTALLY got the Fillmore, Virgin, Beaver joke. ;)