I have thought about this question quite a bit lately. I would get in a depressed state and all sorts of horrible thoughts would enter my mind. It was at a point where I really should have talked to my doctors about getting counseling. I am a bit prideful and did not ask for help. You can all scold me now. Anyway, at some point I asked myself the question, "Why am I fighting so hard to save my life?" The answers didn't come as fast as I would have liked them to.
After a while of agonizing about it, it turned out that there were many things that I felt my life was worth fighting for. I was focusing on the things that I felt ashamed and bad about. Those things eclipsed the good in my life. It was that skewed perception of things that caused me to ask the question in the first place. Going through that hard evaluation revealed something to me. The reason that I am fighting so hard for my life is that I will have all the good things, plus, I will also have the chance to change what I don't like about my life.
Fairly simple stuff, but when you feel like giving up the fight, it is astounding what you are willing to throw away in order to surrender, to lay down. Now, I focus on the amazing things I've done to save my life and to keep on going, willing to work through the more underwhelming and messy aspects of my life.
I think that I deserve an ice cream cone for all of this.
(In reference to the previous post, I don't think anybody got my "Utah: Fillmore, Virgin, Beaver!!!" joke.)
4 years ago