Saturday, November 17, 2007

The Wisdom of Brainstick: Bigfoot is real

I'm sitting here all bored and when that happens I get all thinky with my Brainstick. My Brainstick is a bat that I lathed out from a solid hickory blank back in high school shop. Holding it gives me inspiration and a feeling of "back the eff up" if anything intrudes on me.

Today my Brainstick revealed to me that Bigfoot is indeed real. I don't question my Brainstick. The tree from which the blank was taken is much, much older than me, and therefore wiser. Yes, Bigfoot is on the loose sawing women in half and crunching numbers in a most stealthy fashion. Bigfoot also enjoys putting on roadshows, but in the guise of swishy parish priests.

This is why science's nuts get cut off each time they are confronted with the issue of Bigfoot's existence. Science is looking in the wrong direction. Bigfoot is one slippery beast and only enjoys the out of doors occasionally. Hey, we all need wilderness getaways. Where he lives is in a different dimension, with the ability to jump from one to another.

If you need proof of his existence take a look at your computer's keyboard. See all that trapped hair in there? That's his. He loves sneaking in on your computer and looking at tractor porn. I have no idea what tractor porn is but I can only imagine that it involves getting plowed and threshed.

If it weren't for my Brainstick I would not have access to such knowledge. It is comforting to me to have such a fountain of wisdom. It's as if I've tapped into that great fabric of which time and space are made. It also troubles my family that I carry a bat around with me and talk about Bigfoot all the time.

Oh, the power of belief. I really do see the merit of it. It has great power and once it has solidified inside one's heart and mind almost nothing can destroy it. We all believe in things that are just as ridiculous as my "Brainstick"--maybe not as overtly. But if you get enough people to agree and believe as you do, with you, it can be a mountain. That is why I want Bigfoot, leprechauns, and the cyclops to make a comeback.

Believing in something needs to be fun again. I want to be in a parking garage and really feel like just around the corner some little shit is hiding his pot of gold from me. That would really make my life interesting and yours too.

I want to know what other mythological things you think would make life more interesting--what do you want brought back?


Scary Monster said...

Me wouldn't mind iffin the greek gods make a comeback tour. They were kinda imperfect so nobody'd get all riled up with My god's better than your god bulldinky.


Claire said...

Nessie all the way!


The Grunt said...

Scary~ Greek Gods rule! Love your choice.

Claire~ Nessie rocks the house. I can see it now, Bigfoot riding Nessie.

Nessa said...

I believe in fairies (of all kinds) ghosts, like Casper, and dragons (which are real even though they are invisible right now.)

Crystal said...

what a concept! the anatomy of a male usually doesn't come with brain and stick in the same chapter.

"K" Fingerett said...

Dear Mr. Grunt Man,

I was also thinking dragons and fairies should come on back... Then I thought about the phoenix. That would be pretty cool in my book...

Well, I just thought I'd stop by and let you know I'm alive ^_^

::hugs for you::

I hope all is well with you :)

::more hugs::

'till next time!


Jules said...

I'd like to believe in the chase for the ever elusive unicorn. And I'm not telling you why. ;O)

The Grunt said...

Nessa~ All good choices, especially Casper.

Crystal~ It is possible, however, improbable.

"K"~ Long time no see. Great to have you back around.

Jules~ Um, I could think why.

Corn Dog said...

I have a bat-ini, a small bat a minor league baseball team gave me at their give away night. I used to keep it in here with me at my office to help me think until I was swinging it and broke a coffee cup. No more thinking in here.