Sunday, November 11, 2007

My bowels can go from zero to sixty in 3.5 seconds

Some of my favorite side effects of chemo are constipation and diarrhea. The transition from one to the other comes quite fast and violently. I know that after this confession that I am on top of your "must have underwear fun with" lists, ladies.

I totally relied on spell checker to correct the word diarrhea for me. This is ironic because it is one of my most favorite of words.

I haven't decided which I like more: Oompa Loompas or Munchkins. The Munchkins are cute and have that whole Lollipop Guild thing going on for them, but you can sure put an Oompa Loompa to work. On the other hand, tragedy surrounds anyone near the Oompas. It is a bit troubling, I must say. However, their songs have a lesson to teach and they make me feel better about myself--mainly that I am not the chump getting turned into a freakin' blueberry.

Speaking of blueberries, why is it so damn hard to find "Boo Berry" cereal outside of the month of October? That stuff is too good not to be year round.

I went to a place that made "old fashioned" hamburgers the other day. I stuck around for a bit in line but ultimately left disappointed. I was in a more "old timey" mood anyway.

In my dream America there is a man named "Buck Kennedy" running for president. He rides horses and carries a lasso wherever he goes. His future running mate is "Peter F. Hammershaft". I promise I don't watch gay porn.

Would it kill Carl's Jr. to be a little more civilized? Yes, it would. Besides, I kind of like the implications of a female truck driver chowing down on a taco salad. That's right. It makes me all horny in a bad way.

I tried a thing called "Five Hour Energy Shot" the other day. That was a total waste of money. It tasted bad and made me all paranoid. I really need to stop buying random things at 7-11.

Soylent Green is featuring 10% more Asians!!!

Let's face it: they just add a certain kind of zing.

Failed presidential campaign slogans:

"The future belongs to you. Thank god I'm living in the past."

"America: The last great white hope!"

"Screw the environments. Where's my rifle?"

"'s your G-D oil, @!#$!@%!!!"

"Sexy time in the Oval Office once more."

"Baby, lets invade."

"OMG, did you know that Russia has the bomb?"

"Will abort babies for carbon offsets."

"Gay marriage has WMDs."

Actually, that last one would probably win. Call me, Mitt.

I'm all out of stuff to write about. Can I go to bed now?


Scary Monster said...

They added asians to Soylent Green to offset the negative aspects of supersizing.

Nighty, night.

Chandra said...

I can totally understand and relate about the bathroom words they sound funny enough to joke about but when it's all seriousness we all seem to get weirded out and it's icky. But sometimes you just feel bad....ok you feel like shit. I proudly endorse that I will tell others I am throwing up rather than "using the can repeatedly" because of the humilation factor. At least that doesn't seem quite as "silence zone barrier after you talk because everyone doesn't know what to say".

That said..... don't eat too much of anything... cause it seems to do the same thing.That or when your friends trick you into eating a jalepeno pepper.. that just hurts coming out as much as it does going in lol

Nessa said...

Wow, so much random stuff, but yet oddly cohesive. Seems like you covered every orifice in an abundant array interesting situations.

Keshi said...

ur infectious Grunty :)


Christielli said...

This is so the most random of posts that I've ever read!

The Grunt said...

Scary~ Which makes me wonder just what Dutch Cocoa Soylent Green would be made of.

Chandra~ Vindaloo makes you burn when you poo.

Nessa~ I am very skilled at being me.

Keshi~ I can't stop thinking about our make out session.

Christielli~ I take great pride in that.

Jules said...

Yes, yes, you can go to bed now, Grunty! Do you need anything? Foot rub, back rub, anything?

Karyn said...

God, I love your blog.

Rather fond of you as well.