Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Duh, I forget (or did I?)

I got on here expecting to write some kind of awesome post for all of you and I just plum forgot what it was I wanted to write about. I think I have halftimer's disease--it isn't quite all the timers.

So, I figure I can just sit here and write a bunch of random crap like I always do and all my bloggity besties will drop me a line. It's what I live for, really. If I could breast feed you all, I would. There is no need for restraining orders. I don't have enough money for the plane ticket.

Oh, I know! I can tell you about the far out dream I had last night. See, I have reoccurring themes that I dream about. Some of those themes include screwing hot women that I have no hope in hell of really getting with in real life, tornadoes that shoot bees at me while chasing me and then hurting my feelings with verbal insults, and finally, what I call "The Old Man and the Sea" or "Ernest Hemingway" dream. No, it isn't a dream about me getting drunk and blowing my brains out--it's about trying to land a monster fish.

This dream had me going on a fishing trip with a strange family--my family--which then turned into some people at work. Dreams do that kind of crap, very inconsistent. I think that is why dreams, real ones, are incredible. People who have dreams that read just like a story are lying their fucking asses off. They are trying real hard to impress you with their dream that means some kind of far out shit. I really think that they had a dream, and then at some point a fragment of that dream gave them hope, they wake up and then concoct some asinine piece of shit storyline for that "dream" to impress upon people their "fate".

Boy, I really got off topic there. Sorry. My point is that I dig the fact that I can be driving a car with a lady next to me, then that lady is then replaced by a bucket of chicken wearing a dog collar for no apparent reason. I mean, I just go with it and screw the bucket of chicken instead (insert Colonel Sanders joke here).

Back to my dream. So now I am in a camper talking to the people in the truck through a slider window. I am all about what kind of fish we are going to catch and they are just sitting there smiling at shit. It's really fucking creepy to be honest. Who the fuck are these people anyways? They used to be a strange family, then my family, my co-workers, and now a bunch of creepy guy smileys. Well, tell you the truth, they're all that way so nothing changed. We get to the river and now I am all by myself. Apparently, I got bored with all those other people and banished them out of dreamland. They deserved it, if you ask me.

I prefer fly fishing, but my dreams don't always reflect my real life preferences. However, in this case, I was fly fishing. Suck on that, Sandman. I was fishing in a nearby river and with ten pound test. This is an important detail. I hook a mighty sturgeon. See, now we are getting to the "Old Man and the Sea" shit. So, now I am struggling to land this massive dinosaur like fish. I have to be careful not to fight it too hard or else I will break my line. The dream goes on like this for a bit, very dramatic.

Anyway, I finally get the fish to the river bank and it opens up its mouth and tries to eat me. Naturally, what is most logical is to stick one's hand down the mouth of the beast--the beast who is trying to eat you--and grab it's tongue. Well, that is what I did. What I did next was just pure genius, in a Ted Nugent way. I magically summon a .357 magnum and blow the damn fish's head clean off. The end. No, it wasn't the end. These series of events, where I pull the fish up to the bank to blowing its head off, replay about five times. I would have to say that this was one of my best dreams I've ever had.

See, now this is the part of the blog post where I could draw conclusions and extract meaning from this dream. But, where's the fun in that? You should have seen that fish head explode! Aren't you glad I didn't try to impress you with some inspirational triumph in dreamland that somehow foretells that I will kick life's ass?

Well, it could be about that.


Scary Monster said...

Me be one o' the believers that you still got plenty of kick ass left in ya.
Then again you still be freakin me out with this post. Hope ya don't mind iffin me declines the breast feeding.


Anonymous said...

Hi! My name is Project 71. Weird name I know, but my masters are weird too. My masters apologize for such an out-of-context comment and they know how painful such spamlike comments are. But, say masters, how else are we to present something good to the world. By that they mean me :D. Kindly see what I am about. Won't take you more than 22s to read... http://www.project71.com/readme Enjoyy!

Crystal said...

i think it would take about the same amount of time to analyze your dream as it would to masturbate. so i think you should masturbate. and i will do the same.

Clearlykels said...

You are ridiculous. I hope all is well.

vera said...

ROFLMAO @ spammer comment...

Well, MY MASTERS think that this is one strange dream. I mean why didn't the catfish use the gun?

Your dreams and my dreams should really get together and have a hit of acid or something...


cindra said...

Um, I'm just gonna take Crystal's suggestion! Here I go...sorry, I'm gonna need both hands. Bye.

Jules said...

hahaha... I got stuck on fucking the bucket of chicken... but I did read till the end. Might make for a good action flick. What?! If they can make movies about giant snakes, why not about giant fish?

Keshi said...

LOL Grunty!


Keshi said...


**Keshi~ I can't stop thinking about our make out session

me neither :):)

and so many guys got jealous abt that kiss...and sent me HATE comments. LOL!


The Grunt said...

Scary~ I am glad that I am still capable of freaking you out.

Project 71~ I like your moxey, even for a friggin' spambot.

Crystal~ There's an old Neil Young song with a line that goes, "I love you baby. Can I have some more?" I hope the feeling is mutual.

Kels~ I think I just broke the code of Team Wholesome on this one. But I relish the opportunity to be ridiculous. I mean, clearly;)

Vera~ I am up for that. I didn't dream much last night, though. Maybe a hit of acid will get me back in the game.

Cindra~ Viva la Revolucion! Boy, I hope I spelled that right.

Jules~ I actually thought of you when I wrote that.

Keshi~ The hate mail will be worth it because I am a damn good lay.

Tys on Ice said...

I recall seeing a movie like this...oh, yeah, Jaws!

way to go, ur inner conciousness is trying to tell u something...maybe to have ur dinner at Fish n chips...

how u been stud?

The Grunt said...

Ty~ I've been doing great lately. You know, I'm getting close to the end of chemo hell and I'm looking forward to getting my health back soon.

Nessa said...

That could be it or it could be you were foretelling my husband's fishing trip for tomorrow being canceled due to squalling weather.

I could sleep forever just to keep dreaming.

Keshi said...

not that i ever doubted it ;-)


Tys on Ice said...

hey, thats great to hear....iam trying to picture u with hair now :) actually keep it this way, its total coolness, oh, btw iam planning on shaving mine...u r the inspiration..

keshi, will u stop it! u guys behave urself now...get a room...jeez!

Karyn said...

I think I might have dreams about grabbing the tongue of a man eating fish after reading that. I think I need a little lie-down. Holy crap, Matt.