Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Feeling better

The leg is doing better today. I was able to do a full shift at work. Blah, blah, blah.

I look like a hippie now. It is really starting to piss some people off. I might cut my hair soon just because it gets a bit wild.

I'm eating Special K now for breakfast. I still haven't figured out what makes it special. I thought it would be the strawberries that you see in the bowl on the front of the box, but it doesn't come with them--you have to supply them yourself. Captain Crunch, now there's a pretty freakin' special cereal. Losing weight is a suck. I know I worded that funny, but it sounds more right, or "righter", if you will.

I had a dream once where I could command the eagles--the football team. I commanded them thusly:
  1. I, Grunteweh, am your lord your god and your best friend for realsies.
  2. You shall have no other gods before me, only after two hours and between meals.
  3. You shall not make yourself an idol. That is the public's choice and you will have to put up with that nasty Simon first.
  4. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your god. Do not say, "I would like my eggs over god," or "I cannot go out with you tonight. I am busy washing my god. God, please leave me alone. God, can't you take a hint already?"
  5. Remember the Sabbath and keep it free from dust and fingerprints for long use and enjoyment.
  6. Honor thy mother and thy father by announcing your alternative life choices at family gatherings with company present.
  7. Thou shalt not kill, unless I am super pissed at somebody and tell you to draw up thy sword and slay their ass. "Why?", the jury will say. You say, "Because, god told me to."
  8. You shalt not commit adultery. Because you are only as young as you feel, why hurry the aging process? I don't care that I misused the term "adultery". I'm your god. Deal with it. Okay, thou shalt not lie with thy lawn chair as thou doest with thy wife. To know thy neighbor's goat is to also know that thou art in need of a serious prison raping.
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor, but it is all right to bear false witness of the person two houses down from you because they live further away and are less likely to figure out that you were the one who screwed them over.
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. So, technically speaking, you can bang her all you want only if you do not want her specifically. And, playing "Naked bumps in the dark" is all right so long as the furniture is unharmed and the cat is put outside.
I'm tired now.

9 comments:

megatropolis said...

You know how some people (aka... bible thumping weirdos) choose to place the Ten Commandments someplace outside their residence? Example: the lady I used to work with who had them engraved on a sheet of metal and bolted to a HUGE rock outside of her home.

ANYWAY, yeah, that's what I'm going to do with YOUR Ten Commandments. Priceless :)

Jay said...

I'd like to petition his holiness that a Cap'n Crunch-centric commandment be added. Dost thou haveth enough power to make it a diet food?

Chris said...

Ah, and yet, this Sunday at 1:00 pm marks their banishment from the Promised Land.

the projectivist said...

i am regularly disappointed by the contents of purchases that i have made, based solely on the packaging alone.

Sun Follower said...

...wonders if these 10 are etched on stone tablets...

Christielli said...

Glad the leg is better, even though that means work.

Special K isn't very special at all. And where does the letter K come from?

The Grunt said...

Meggypoo~ I am happy to see that you are a true believer.

Jay~ I'm working on it.

Chris~ Sad but true.

TP~ Tell me about it. That's the last time I buy Sea Monkeys.

Sun~ I will make sure that my burning bush doesn't start any forest fires.

Christielli~ It's a komedy "K".

Logophile said...

I wonder if I'd have better luck keeping yours.

Tys on Ice said...

thou art seriously funny...but urs make better sense than the first edition