Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Wearing mittens and bumping into furniture

My BFF had an interesting night last night. He had just got done making sweet, sweet love to his wife waking up from a dream when he coughed and thought that he caused his wife to have a bad dream. His wife grabbed his arm, shaking it, and called his name. It finally dawned on my friend that his wife wasn't having a dream when she said that she heard someone yelling. It was just at that point that a spotlight hit their window and someone shouted, "Get out of there, now!" My friend's wife ran in to check on their children and my friend went outside in his bathrobe to find the police hog-tying a dude that had only a t-shirt on and was spouting the kinds of things that only people on PCP usually say. I am renaming his block "Funsville".

I am seriously questioning the things I put into my mouth. No, I am not a male prostitute. My income is clearly not reflective of such a high paying profession. No, I am referring to my love of tastes that resemble a diseased foot, such as certain cheeses, pickled items, and foods soaked in brine. When I think about it too much it is as if I desire to lick an armpit clean. Really, I think that is the flavor that I am after. I'm thinking of going all out by sticking the following in a bait box: corned beef, green olives, pickled pigs feet, cocktail onions, feta cheese with the runny juice, Blue Stilton, artichokes, and SPAM jelly. So, here is the scenario: Me with my shirt off, a bait box full of disgusting shit, and a crowded Trax train, eating away while prophesying about how Hanna Montana will give birth to the Anti-Christ.

I was talking to a girl today at work. It was cold in the room. See where this one's going? Well, here I am talking to her, not flirting (she's married), and I happen to get a nice glance of her dirty pillows (they're all gonna laugh at you!) I turn my head for a brief moment and this girl went from wearing a blouse to sporting an anorak. Well, it was a heavy sweater, but you get my drift. She caught me. But I couldn't help it. Men's eyes have powerful boob magnets in them. It's been scientifically proven somewhere; I'm not sure. My point is that if you are a woman and you have any kind of swelling of the chest, even a bee sting, men will check it out, wring their hands in a menacing fashion, and repeat the word "nice" over and over again. I blame Crystal's post for jinxing me today.

I think that is enough for today.

13 comments:

Julie Schuler said...

ha ha, perv.

There's nothing wrong with liking stinky foods like stinky cheeses and olives and pickled things (except for maybe the feet). If you have a taste for the sour/savory it will probably save you from eating too much overprocessed sugary stuff, and that's the stuff that makes you fat and logy.

megatropolis said...

Crack fiend wearing only a t-shirt in my yard? I'm going to have to start paying for that kinda *hit.

I like Kipper Snacks. Although it's been probably 15 year since I ate them. Actually, yeah, you are kind of a freak.

And about the boob stalking... I have perma R.T. I hear some sort of comment about it at LEAST once a week. As a matter of fact, after a volleyball game last night my friend mentioned my constant state of hard nippleness... He said it was awesome. I'm not quite sure that it's "awesome", but I no longer fight it. I no longer try to cover these bad boys up. So, you pervey bastard men, look. LOOK! At this point, I just expect it.

The Grunt said...

Julie~ I always say that I have a "meat" tooth, but it is more about savory things. That's why I can say that I liked the food over in England when I lived there.

Meggypoo~ You've just given me more reasons why I want to be your friend.

NYD said...

Man, when I encounter a girl who is nice enough to display her goods, I just know I'm gonna get caught if I try to peek, so I go for the bold approach. I just tell her that her that she has made my day and I thank her for choosing the right clothes.

Good thing I live in japan.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Remind me not to wear any type of top that has wardrobe malfunction problems when I am around you. (especially if we have our picture taken. ;) Doh!

The Grunt said...

NYD~ I need to visit. Really.

O-Girl~ I never got around to thanking you, did I?

Sun Follower said...

(o) (o)

Keshi said...

How hv ya been Grunty? Missed coming over here :)

**Men's eyes have powerful boob magnets in them.

really? I didnt know that! ;-)


Keshi.

The Grunt said...

Sun~ Did it just get cold in here?

Keshi~ Yeah, I bet that blew your mind.

Crystal said...

HA HA!

boys LOVE boobies. it doesn't even matter what they look like. 2 examples. 1. one of my friends' boobies' aerolas take up 85% of her breasts. dudes constantly want to see her boobie anomoly. 2. my guy friends & boyfriend went to a strip club and would not shut up for 2 weeks about this chick with 2 inch nipples.

my boobs are nothing to write home about, but the other day i was hanging out with my totally platonic brother-like friend dave and i mentioned boobs and five minutes later he said, "GOD CRYSTAL! Why did you have to say the word BOOBS? now I can't quit staring at yours and it's inappropriate so i need to apologize." it goes the same for dudes' packages. my friend, kevin, wears tight jeans and i can't even help but stare at his chudoc (new word! czech!) constantly. love me some chudocs.

The Grunt said...

Crystal~ No, I think you should write home about your boobs. Then your mother will be all, "WTF? Why is Crissy writing letters to me about her Beubage?"

Karyn said...

When I stop laughing about "dirty pillows", I will try to think of something relevant to say but for now all I can come up with is the SATC episode with the fake nipples... men dig the high beams. I'm not bothered. (Never heard dirty pillows before though.)

AND I have thoughts on the taste sensation thing too but I think I"ll leave those for another time.

Christie said...

That must be what Jay is muttering under his breath whenever I have a tight top on. The good thing about marriage is you don't have to pretend to be staring at anything, you can just openly stare and know you aren't going to be sucker punched.