Thursday, July 17, 2008

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Musical Greeting Cards

You know what I'm talking about. You open up a damned Valentine card and some shit starts beeping "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head". Wow! Effing, domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!

There was this kid back in Jr. High that we gave the unfortunate knick name of "Frankenboner" and "Hop-along Martin" to. The reason for the knick name was that he had this cast for his broken leg and he refused to use his crutches, so he looked like he was walking around with the world's biggest hard on. What does this have to do with anything? Well, hang with me a sec, alright?

One day after school my friends and I discovered Martin's secret fort that he and this ten-year-old kid that was his best friend had built. Um, Martin was fourteen at the time. Yeah. Anyway, this fort had the gayest accents, mostly found items like dolls heads and action figures--no porno whatsoever! I mean, what were they circle jerking to, the effing poster of Lion-o of the Thundercats they had hanging up? Getting to the best part, we uncovered a pile of bushes and branches that were concealing something very speshul: a go-cart with streamers and an awesomely gay musical greeting card duct taped to the side. What song did it play, you ask? It played the theme to Rocky.

So, back at the social crucible that is Jr. High, my buddies and I started singing "" the theme to Rocky every time we saw Martin. He didn't seem to catch on. In fact, it took him quite awhile to figure out that we had infiltrated his little Fortress of Solitude. Boy, when he did figure it out he went on the rampage and tried his best to beat us up, which mainly consisted of him yelling while spitting all over the place while his arms did the windmill of death.

Ah, memories. I wonder what old Martard is up to these days.


NYD said...

He's sharpening his K-bar and planning to come back as Rambo

Jay said...

Things could have only gone two ways for Martin -- serial killer of gays, or disgustingly rich interior designer. Looooove it!

Julie Schuler said...

I was just thinking of this distant cousin I have, who I had not seen in since we were children. When I saw him again at the family picnic a few years ago he was obviously gay. And then it all fell into place, yeah, he was totally gay. I remember grown-ups always making excuses for his mannerisms, but he was just totally, totally gay.

Julie Schuler said...

It should be "to whom we gave the unfortunate nickname.." You can't just gaily dangle that preposition way out there and not expect someone to notice.

Sun Follower said...

Martin is probably a game show executive.

The Grunt said...

NYD~ He probably is, lol! I need to point out that he was older than us and his older brother was always giving us shit too. He had people on his side. It wasn't a case of bullying, just good old fashioned playground pissing matches. We were just smarter:D

Jay~ Why not both? Fabulous!

Julie~ I have a cousin that acts gay but isn't. I have no idea what to make of him. The girls love him, btw. Oh, thanks for being a friend and pointing out that my preposition was dangling out. That can be embarrassing for a guy;)

Sun~ I hope it's The Price is Right.

Anonymous said...

He's probably invented something equivalent to the Post-It. Damn him.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

The go-cart had STREAMERS? Wow. That's worse than the singing Rocky card!

I bet Martard would really want to beat you up if he knew you were writing about his speshulness in a blog!

The Grunt said...

Meggypoo~ That may be, but I at least got this awesome blog! Plus, I know you so I think I am ahead:)

O-Girl~ I think I can hear his heavy breathing and spittle flying everywhere as I'm typing this. Make sure I have a fancy funeral.

Chandra said...

THUNDERCATS.... If I read nothing else... it was THUNDERCATS!