Do you ever find yourself writing a post solely because you need attention? Man, that's about 58/64ths of the time that I post...oh, excuse me, 29/32nds of the time. Please like me.
I may need your help. That wasn't new information. No, really. I need your input, feedback, feelings on this letter I am writing to my beloved. Below is my letter.
Dear Nabisco Co.,
I am a man dying of cancer. Well, not dying of cancer--have cancer...um, had....Okay, I am in remission from cancer....My point is I've been through some shit and I want some fucking cookies, alright? My preference is for Oreos. If you send me Lorna Doones I will slit my wrists. Who makes Chips Ahoy? Oh yeah, you guys. Send me some of that shit too. By the way, why do Oreos make my shit all black and pellet like? I mean, my ass bleeds from trying to clean up after that strangness. Another question: How big of an Oreo do you guys make? Would an octouple stuff be considered illegal? I'm not a Californian resident, just so you know. The state I'm in is dry, but we dig on ice cream and anything that gives you type 2 diabetes, so we're cool. See, I'm planning something big for Guiness that involves a milk cow, a trampoline, and a swimming pool. Let me know if you're interested and I'll see if I can get you on board.
Theodore Grunt esq.
While you are picking that one apart for me, let me turn you onto something revolutionary: Job interviews with flashlights. I am an HR genius, I tells ya, and we all know that geniuses say "I tells ya" and "Dog will hunt". Picture this: the job candidate is escorted into a dark room by two goons and is given a flashlight. The interview panel, waiting in the dark, turn on their flashlights, shining them up into their faces for that scary "I'm about to tell you an axe murderer story" look. The interviewie is then instructed to do the same, or maybe not. Maybe we want to see if they are a conformist, a team player, or The Leprechaun! Maybe we want to see if they are independent and such and such--they won't play our game. Mabye we just want to see what they will do with that flashlight. Maybe it is just funny to mess with people. Can you imagine how different a typical interview would be if everyone in the room sat in the dark with a flashlight face? I'm there.
I think you kids have had enough sugar for today.