Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The real reason I blog

To score chicks.

Do you ever find yourself writing a post solely because you need attention? Man, that's about 58/64ths of the time that I post...oh, excuse me, 29/32nds of the time. Please like me.

I may need your help. That wasn't new information. No, really. I need your input, feedback, feelings on this letter I am writing to my beloved. Below is my letter.

Dear Nabisco Co.,
I am a man dying of cancer. Well, not dying of cancer--have cancer...um, had....Okay, I am in remission from cancer....My point is I've been through some shit and I want some fucking cookies, alright? My preference is for Oreos. If you send me Lorna Doones I will slit my wrists. Who makes Chips Ahoy? Oh yeah, you guys. Send me some of that shit too. By the way, why do Oreos make my shit all black and pellet like? I mean, my ass bleeds from trying to clean up after that strangness. Another question: How big of an Oreo do you guys make? Would an octouple stuff be considered illegal? I'm not a Californian resident, just so you know. The state I'm in is dry, but we dig on ice cream and anything that gives you type 2 diabetes, so we're cool. See, I'm planning something big for Guiness that involves a milk cow, a trampoline, and a swimming pool. Let me know if you're interested and I'll see if I can get you on board.

Theodore Grunt esq.

While you are picking that one apart for me, let me turn you onto something revolutionary: Job interviews with flashlights. I am an HR genius, I tells ya, and we all know that geniuses say "I tells ya" and "Dog will hunt". Picture this: the job candidate is escorted into a dark room by two goons and is given a flashlight. The interview panel, waiting in the dark, turn on their flashlights, shining them up into their faces for that scary "I'm about to tell you an axe murderer story" look. The interviewie is then instructed to do the same, or maybe not. Maybe we want to see if they are a conformist, a team player, or The Leprechaun! Maybe we want to see if they are independent and such and such--they won't play our game. Mabye we just want to see what they will do with that flashlight. Maybe it is just funny to mess with people. Can you imagine how different a typical interview would be if everyone in the room sat in the dark with a flashlight face? I'm there.

I think you kids have had enough sugar for today.


The Grunt said...


Anonymous said...


NYD said...

If the folks at Nabisco go for the idea let me know. I got a bridge or too that I need to get rid of.

Julie Schuler said...

I think an interview should have a room full of cats and laser pointers. Everyone would relax and have a good time. It would get silly.

Anonymous said...

Well, someone's had enough sugar for the day. Not sure if it's us or you :) leigh

Jay said...

Bask in the glory:


Christielli said...

LOL I love that you firsted yourself!!! (That kind of sounds dirty, eh?)

I also love the use of fractions in this post.

Blogging to score chicks, huh? Interesting.

Sun Follower said...

And I thought just the fuzzy dice were a chick magnet!

Jules said...

Grunty, MAN!!! That was the funniest letter I've ever read!!! Oh joy!! How I REALLY needed that post!! I love the flashlight idea too... you ARE genius!

The Grunt said...

Grunt~ You are so needy.

Anonymous~ Remember that time we got drunk and ended up naked at the school's jungle gym? Me neither.

NYD~ I figure if they just respond back with a "Thanks for being a great customer" letter, I'll be happy.

Julie~ I can dig it.

Leigh~ I ate too many Oreos last night, which inspired the post. I have a problem.

Jay~ That is insane. I'm thinking one's heart would stop from consuming such a creation.

Christielli~ Yeah, what an angle that is, lol! Actually, I don't have an angle when picking up women. I have a fractal. It can be broken down into smaller parts similar to the original pickup line, usually ending up as an infinite series of grunting noises. I go full caveman, baby.

The Grunt said...

Sun~ It's all part of a complex mating scheme I've got going on. It's so complex that even I don't fully grasp what is happening. Like, breath mints and fuzzy dice. I'm suave.

Jules~ Glad I could assist in the leavening of your mood. Stress sucks.

vera said...

I love flashlight face.
Singing interviews would be cool too. Hellloooooo!! My naaaame is VeeeeeeeeeeeeRAH! I come to tell youuuuuuuuuu, howawesomeitwouldbetoooooo - Work. For. You.
Ok, that was totally gay.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad that you brought up the whole Oreo thing because in all honesty, I didn't know how to bring this up.

I've been asked by, well, some people to talk to you about your little problem. This, my dear, is an intervention. This Oreo obsession is not just some trifling phase of yours. I can see that now. So put down the Oreos and put your time and energy into something more productive... like smoking or chronic toe nail cutting.

Bace Man said...


Speaking of lights and job interviews...I think it was Steven Wright who once asked the *interviewer* during a job interview, "If you are driving your car at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?" When the interviewer said "I dont know", Steven Wright said "Forget it, I dont want to work for you."

The Grunt said...

Vera~ I'd hire you. It also helps that I know that you are the smartest girl in the whole wide world.

Meggypoo~ I was hoping that we could find a squat and freebase Oreos together.

Baceman~ Steven Wright is funnier than hell and one of my role models. Good to see you around more, man!

vera said...

Flattery will get you far... but bacon will get you farther!


PS: I bought bacon-strip shaped bandaids!!

Karyn said...

Oreo Cakesters.

That's all I'm saying.