May all your dreams come true! Can you imagine how incredibly far out, surreal, and horrific this would be if your dreams did come true--the ones that you have while asleep? That means I would all of a sudden find myself working at my high school job at McDonald's again, wondering how my life had got so bad that I was working as a fry cook at this point in my life. It would also mean that tornadoes would be chasing me. It would also mean that the world would have more backwards talking dwarfs. Well, that would be pretty damn cool, at least.
I think that the dairy industry needs a bit of a shake up. They need to change some of the names of their products in order to shock us and dare us to eat more dairy. Example: nipple chowder. What would this be? Why, it is our old friend cottage cheese. See how "nipple chowder" challenges your notion of what dairy is? It's in your face and erotic.
I have been saying "wilikers" a lot lately. "Jeepers" is so last whatever.
There was this guy that I worked with that seemed a bit unclear of what racism was. We had to attend a seminar that was put on by our equity department. When the class was asked what experiences that they had with racism, this guy raised his hand and said, "When I was in school the other kids used to make fun of me because I had a learning disability." Retard.
I have found the cure for "stage fright" at the urinal: whistle! Try it, it works. Other guys might think you are strange, but have you ever made fun of the dude who whistles while peeing? No. You just say "whatever" to yourself and tap your penis a few times too many. I am now going to be that guy whistling the theme to Star Trek while taking a slash.
Has anybody ever put a chimpanzee on a Segway? I'm sure the Russians or the Chinese have already put a bear or a dog on one before us. This is just like the space race all over again.
I helped a co-worker out the other day by repairing a broken radiator hose on his mini van. I used this rubber tape that I've had forever that is purpose designed for temporary repairs of holes in coolant lines. I explained this to the dude and said that, besides the tape being over ten years old, that this would likely only get him home and that he would have to get a new hose right away. Guess what happens next? I get a call from this guy a half an hour later and he's all complaining to me about how my tape job didn't work. I asked him how far away he was so that I could pick him up and take him home. He said that he was in his driveway and that the hose repair broke as he drove in. I told him that the repair was temporary and it seemed like it did what it was supposed to do. He then was upset and said that he was hoping that he wouldn't have to get a new hose since I fixed his old one. He then commented again on how he didn't like the tape and thought that it didn't work. So, we chit chatted for about five more minutes and then right before he goes he says, "Boy, well, I'm sure gonna have to get me some of that tape now."
This same guy is not allowed by his wife to carry money. He can use a credit card, but he must first call her before any purchases are made. I got a call on my cell phone last week where he was telling me how excited he was that his wife was going to let him buy a hamburger combo meal for his dinner. Is marriage like this for everybody?
When Tevye in The Fiddler on the Roof, the film, sings "If I Were a Rich Man," have you noticed that his dance is very suggestive? It's almost like Tevye is saying, "Hey there, check out my awesome tiddies!" I am totally Netflixing that shit.