Monday, January 07, 2008

Tough day

My body hurts. My mind is weary. It was tough going today. I didn't take it out on anybody. In fact, I did my best to make those around me feel good about themselves. Why do I still feel utterly horrible?

I don't talk about my work, but I will a tiny bit here just to clue you all in a bit to my troubles. I'm not doing the things that I was when the job was offered to me--the things that I like doing. My job has become menial to me. I wish I were not in the situation where I need to keep my current job for health insurance or schedule in order to get my radiation treatments. I still need this job a little longer, but it is killing me with boredom and stagnation. I have to admit, though, that the people I work with and around are grand.

The other stuff consists of medical billing companies giving me shit about missed payments. It's funny because my bank statements show that they seem to cash the checks I send them just fine. That doesn't seem to stop them from sending me threatening letters and annoying phone calls.

I'm finally tired of being single. It's funny because I absolutely loved not being tied down up until this point in my life, so much so that the idea of marriage made me physically ill (really). This is new to me. Most of my romantic life can be summed up to this point in one word: whatevers. Now I have this feeling of "Oh shit! Now what in the fuck am I going to do about all this then?" I keep hoping that I will wake up tomorrow and snap out of it. How in the hell do you start feeling this way when you never did before? I'm not in love with anyone right now. I think going through all this need for care and struggle has shown me that going it alone through life is really tough. I need someone to help me out. This is hard for me to accept right now, but I know that it is something I am slowly acknowledging as a fact of my evolving life.

I need a drink, but I don't drink.

I had something happen to me today that scared the shit out of me while at the same time was quite amusing. I was in an office fixing a wall. I got up from a crouched position and found myself later on coming out of a fog, humming, while laying on my back on a desk. It was fucking lunacy. Apparently, I had passed out and landed on this desk. I was sure glad that nobody saw it happen. I don't need people trying to get me out of work. It's funny that I say that after having complained about my job. I think the problem is my anemia and low blood pressure.

I'm done. It's dreamsville for me.


Scott said...

Dude, I hope that you feel better soon. I have been there with the work thing. I am sure that it will work out in the long run. Look at how much you have been through this year and where you are now with your health.

Take care!

Issy said...

Oh good lord can I relate! I too have a job where I need to keep it for health insurance and the pay isn't too bad either. I wish I were paid more but then again, who doesn't? The people that I work with don't make sense and you can't understand where they are coming from half the time. If there wasn't a health care crisis going on, I'd go looking for something different.

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I'll tell you like I tell my 4 year old whenever he's thrown a chair at a teacher and is in mega trouble: "Tomorrow is a new day. Let's start with that and see if it's better than today's day". It seems to help him out quite a bit.

Karyn said...

Okay, if you are going to start randomly passing out, you need a uniform made of nerf.

Next: My whole life, all I ever wanted was to be a teacher, get married, and have kids. At 19 the teacher thing went out the window, and now that the marriage failed spectacularly, I have huge spans of time when I think I shouldn't have had kids at all. But here they are. It's kind of dispiriting to write it out like this. But! The point is, we change. Our needs change. If this whole crap-ass experience leaves you with new needs, which may well be the case, well then... there you go.

No need to fight it. Just be with it a while, see how it goes. Love can find you when - and where - you least expect it. That may sound very Hallmark, but it's true.

Okay, sweet dreams.

Nessa said...

I'm in the same place with my job. Certain benefits: pay, short commute, HI, time off, co-workers I actually like for a change, but it is killing my soul. I keep repeating the list of the good things.

I didn't get married until I was 42. Never wanted to until I met my hubby.

Feel free to vent here whenever you need. All feelings are valid.

Chris said...

Wow Grunt, I'm just catching up on your troubles. My thoughts and prayers are with you, man.

A good woman would make things a bit more tolerable, I have no doubt. How about Greta, that busty oncology nurse? You know you've been eyeing her.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Like everyone else, I have to agree that I can completely understand the job thing. I'm stuck there now. I am sure that both of us will find a way to move forward in the business world. Let's just not get too discouraged by the big picture and do what we can for the day.

I don't think it is strange at all to suddenly find yourself thinking about the "M" word. As you already admitted, your fight has left you realizing that you do need others. Actually, it seems to have made you re-evaluate every aspect of your life, so I am sure that you find yourself thinking about many things that you never did before.

Good luck while you are figuring everything out. :)

Christielli said...

Wow, everyone else has said some really deep poignant things. You have good friends. Listen to them. You are very strong and can do anything, and I suspect that a lot of good stuff is headed your way shortly.

NYD said...

Having work of any kind is important for your self esteem.
If you are fortunate; you can find employment that boosts it even more by making you realize that you are but part of something bigger than yourself.

Do what you can for now and keep your head above water. When the opportunity arises you can take on the kind of work thay leaves you both tired and satisfied at the end of your shift.

I'll not speak long on love and marriage for they are all different things for different people. Yet the discovery of ones mortality often makes us want to share our thoughts and possibly create progeny to invite the possibility that we may be remembered long after our time has passed- a beautiful thing.

egan said...

I'm there with you on the work thing which explains why the fuck I blog as much as I do. It's a great time filler.

Sucks that you're not feeling so great. How bizarre to pass out and wake up in a situation you don't know how you got into. It's happened to me once and I didn't like it. Well, the woman that woke me was kinda purty though.

The girlfriend thing will happen somehow. Just being yourself someone will notice how damn awesome you are. It's the waiting for it to happen that sucks.

Autumn Storm said...

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

With all that you are and have been going through, your view on life must change somewhat. Doing a job that doesn't stimulate or satisfy is draining on anyone in that situation, it's fine for a while not least if one can hold the thought close that if it gets too much, one can find something else, but due to insurance, you don't have that option just now and so all you can do is think of it as another light at the end of the tunnel you are passing through now. In regards to suddenly finding yourself wishing that you were in a relationship, like you said, free and easy is very nice, but at some point in our lives, off and on at times, there will be something that makes us realize that going it alone isn't always desirable. Once in a while it's nice, on top of all the other benefits, to be needed, to lean and to share.

Careful with that crouching. :-) Take care.

Photogirl said...

a) I really really REALLY hope you feel better sooner than later. Reading this has made me feel a LOT less sorry for myself (I am coming down with the flu...hello aches and pains...)

b) One of my favorite quotes is: "All you need is a lie." (I never did like the Beatles). BUT, that being said, it doesn't mean I don't believe in love or want love. It means that there is more to life, and having good people around you, and medical insurance (even though its taking you for a ride right now), are sometimes a heckuva lot more important than love! You'll find it when its right. And then, it'll hit you square between the eyes, and you'll wonder why you never wanted it before.

end of rant.

I hope this makes sense.

Did I mention, i am home with the flu?


The Grunt said...

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and consolation. I am doing a bit better. Recovery will take a while and my frustrations will all combine together somedays. I'll just roll with it.

Oh, Celeste, I hope you get feeling better soon. The flu sucks.