My body hurts. My mind is weary. It was tough going today. I didn't take it out on anybody. In fact, I did my best to make those around me feel good about themselves. Why do I still feel utterly horrible?
I don't talk about my work, but I will a tiny bit here just to clue you all in a bit to my troubles. I'm not doing the things that I was when the job was offered to me--the things that I like doing. My job has become menial to me. I wish I were not in the situation where I need to keep my current job for health insurance or schedule in order to get my radiation treatments. I still need this job a little longer, but it is killing me with boredom and stagnation. I have to admit, though, that the people I work with and around are grand.
The other stuff consists of medical billing companies giving me shit about missed payments. It's funny because my bank statements show that they seem to cash the checks I send them just fine. That doesn't seem to stop them from sending me threatening letters and annoying phone calls.
I'm finally tired of being single. It's funny because I absolutely loved not being tied down up until this point in my life, so much so that the idea of marriage made me physically ill (really). This is new to me. Most of my romantic life can be summed up to this point in one word: whatevers. Now I have this feeling of "Oh shit! Now what in the fuck am I going to do about all this then?" I keep hoping that I will wake up tomorrow and snap out of it. How in the hell do you start feeling this way when you never did before? I'm not in love with anyone right now. I think going through all this need for care and struggle has shown me that going it alone through life is really tough. I need someone to help me out. This is hard for me to accept right now, but I know that it is something I am slowly acknowledging as a fact of my evolving life.
I need a drink, but I don't drink.
I had something happen to me today that scared the shit out of me while at the same time was quite amusing. I was in an office fixing a wall. I got up from a crouched position and found myself later on coming out of a fog, humming, while laying on my back on a desk. It was fucking lunacy. Apparently, I had passed out and landed on this desk. I was sure glad that nobody saw it happen. I don't need people trying to get me out of work. It's funny that I say that after having complained about my job. I think the problem is my anemia and low blood pressure.
I'm done. It's dreamsville for me.
4 years ago