Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dear Gruntonians

I am just checking in with all of you. Wednesday marks my quarter way through point with radiation. I have to remind myself that this radiation treatment is crammed all into four weeks, only having weekends off. It should go by fast. The chemotherapy went on for six months, six months full of agony and depression. It was also six months that are a part of one of my greatest triumphs in progress. Viva Matt!

I don't know how I've managed to keep working throughout this. I feel personally blessed by God and that he knows me as a father knows his son--well, better than that. I have wondered at times if he has let go of the "bike" during this trial to give me a chance to feel the pain in full, know the stakes, and finally, to know myself.

I still can't help and be scared about the future. The fear never seems to go away, but I am getting better at managing it. Mortality has various degrees of reality. When the reality of your mortality gets stepped up a few hundred notches, it places your mind in a whole new world. This new world makes you feel small and alone at times with respect to your fragile existence in an almost absolute sense. When you have this "a-ha" moment, you start to recognize why becoming connected with those around you is so important. To disconnect from people is the other option and leads to failure of life in the most real sense.

I once wrote in one of my songs, "Losing it Again (For the First Time)", that, "Oh, Mother Nature, you can count me as your son. I've finally shed off my robes and felt as one...with another, and if God is love--no need to look any further or up above." It can be about one person or many. Whatever, it is about opening up and accepting, being vulnerable, and exercising charity.

Love is. I want in.


Autumn Storm said...

Grunt, those are the most wonderful of lyrics, if God is love no need (know I am not quoting directly) to look up above. In connection we change, we grow, in knowing you as little as I do, having read a little of you so far, I am changed, in my thoughts now as I come online (don't judge by these last couple of weeks, as I haven't had a chance to read the blogs I follow as I normally would) i think of you and wonder if you've had a good couple of days and how you are doing. Am glad to hear that things are going generally well, that you have been able to work is amazing and says a lot for both your strength and your attitude, and these two things are what will get you through every course of treatment all the way down the road to recovery. And when you do, you will have the knowledge embedded that most of the rest of us are only reminded of sometimes, life is a gift, every day is a gift and the lessons you have learned will make the future that much brighter and complete.

Jules said...

Grunty, it must be the strength of God's love getting you through this while still letting you have the ability to work. You keep thinking along those terms, sweets, and it will get you through the next month just fine!

I have a particularily special friend with whom I'm very close and we use the terms faith, hope and charity with one another often. It was nice to read about them over here too!

P.S. To Autumn - nice to see you over here, sis!

Photogirl said...

Ok now I'm convinced that you, too, should read "Eat, Pray, Love".

Clearlykels said...

3 weeks left. You can rock it!

NYD said...

Good to see that you are taking something back from this experience.
Most people just try to get past it, but you are turning it into something different, better.

Keshi said...

wow I love this post! Straight from the heart Grunty.

** The fear never seems to go away, but I am getting better at managing it. Mortality has various degrees of reality. When the reality of your mortality gets stepped up a few hundred notches, it places your mind in a whole new world.

I can so u'stand what u said there. Cos I hv been there.

All I can say is LOVE is right here...between u and me..among ur friends and the ppl u connect with everyday.

God bless ya my friend!


Nessa said...

Beautiful post. A great reminder to appreciate the moments and people we experience.

Your attitude and outlook are amazing and inspirational. I think you kick ass.

Queue_t said...

I think you are really doing well, keep the faith brother! you will be better sooner than later I just know it.

I am sending you some mailbox love - be stalking that maillady o.k. ?? QT

The Grunt said...

I appreciate all of you and your support. I get by with a little help from my friends!

Autumn Storm said...

singing now :-)

Have a good Thursday.

Sun Follower said...

...all you need is love, love is all you need...

Karyn said...

I -HEART- this post.

Feel the love, Grunt.