I am just checking in with all of you. Wednesday marks my quarter way through point with radiation. I have to remind myself that this radiation treatment is crammed all into four weeks, only having weekends off. It should go by fast. The chemotherapy went on for six months, six months full of agony and depression. It was also six months that are a part of one of my greatest triumphs in progress. Viva Matt!
I don't know how I've managed to keep working throughout this. I feel personally blessed by God and that he knows me as a father knows his son--well, better than that. I have wondered at times if he has let go of the "bike" during this trial to give me a chance to feel the pain in full, know the stakes, and finally, to know myself.
I still can't help and be scared about the future. The fear never seems to go away, but I am getting better at managing it. Mortality has various degrees of reality. When the reality of your mortality gets stepped up a few hundred notches, it places your mind in a whole new world. This new world makes you feel small and alone at times with respect to your fragile existence in an almost absolute sense. When you have this "a-ha" moment, you start to recognize why becoming connected with those around you is so important. To disconnect from people is the other option and leads to failure of life in the most real sense.
I once wrote in one of my songs, "Losing it Again (For the First Time)", that, "Oh, Mother Nature, you can count me as your son. I've finally shed off my robes and felt as one...with another, and if God is love--no need to look any further or up above." It can be about one person or many. Whatever, it is about opening up and accepting, being vulnerable, and exercising charity.
Love is. I want in.
3 years ago