I wonder if Jesus, while searching the future, ever saw the many flippant and idiotic things we do in his name. I wonder, if he did see them, how he reacted. I mean, was he filled with sorrow and disappointment, or did he just go, "Far out, man....I'm on a bumper sticker"?
Growing up I really strained myself thinking about Noah and the ark. I couldn't help wondering about how he got all those damn animals on board his ship. I would worry about how all the different species got back safely to all their respective corners of the earth. I mean, are you to tell me that some fucking pair of penguins humped it all the way into wherever in the hell Noah lived, or did he just sail by and pick them up on some floating iceberg? Well, I guess I've got my answer there. The penguins just stayed where they were and just hitched a ride on a sheet of ice. However, I was taught that God melted the ice in order for there to be enough flood water to cover the earth. It just wont stop.
I'm beginning to think that ancient people were retarded and believed any story told to them from a man with a big fucking beard. Who's to blame them, anyway? Men with big fucking beards are pretty damn convincing. I mean, just think if ZZ Top could travel back in time what kind of religions we'd have today.
I've come up with a solution for getting through to people that believe that God would not allow global warming to happen, and that we can go about fucking the earth up the butt until Jesus descends upon us riding a winged version of Trigger. I could get them to agree that the earth is one of God's many homes that he has built. I could also get them to agree that they are his children that live in his home called earth. I think, then, that it stands to reason that if you are a child and you mess up the house with your toys that your parents will not be happy with you for leaving a big-ass mess. So, clean your shit up, kiddies!
This is a true story. There was one dude at the Day of Pentecost that actually had his head catch on fire, then total combustion. While everyone else was freaking out, speaking in tongues, and dancing a jig while feeling the fire of the Holy Ghost upon them, this dude got too close to an oil lamp and burst into flames. Sadly, everyone there thought he was a burning bush and they all waited for a guy with a big fucking beard to pop out and tell them some stories.
4 years ago