Tuesday, January 22, 2008


I wonder if Jesus, while searching the future, ever saw the many flippant and idiotic things we do in his name. I wonder, if he did see them, how he reacted. I mean, was he filled with sorrow and disappointment, or did he just go, "Far out, man....I'm on a bumper sticker"?

Growing up I really strained myself thinking about Noah and the ark. I couldn't help wondering about how he got all those damn animals on board his ship. I would worry about how all the different species got back safely to all their respective corners of the earth. I mean, are you to tell me that some fucking pair of penguins humped it all the way into wherever in the hell Noah lived, or did he just sail by and pick them up on some floating iceberg? Well, I guess I've got my answer there. The penguins just stayed where they were and just hitched a ride on a sheet of ice. However, I was taught that God melted the ice in order for there to be enough flood water to cover the earth. It just wont stop.

I'm beginning to think that ancient people were retarded and believed any story told to them from a man with a big fucking beard. Who's to blame them, anyway? Men with big fucking beards are pretty damn convincing. I mean, just think if ZZ Top could travel back in time what kind of religions we'd have today.

I've come up with a solution for getting through to people that believe that God would not allow global warming to happen, and that we can go about fucking the earth up the butt until Jesus descends upon us riding a winged version of Trigger. I could get them to agree that the earth is one of God's many homes that he has built. I could also get them to agree that they are his children that live in his home called earth. I think, then, that it stands to reason that if you are a child and you mess up the house with your toys that your parents will not be happy with you for leaving a big-ass mess. So, clean your shit up, kiddies!

This is a true story. There was one dude at the Day of Pentecost that actually had his head catch on fire, then total combustion. While everyone else was freaking out, speaking in tongues, and dancing a jig while feeling the fire of the Holy Ghost upon them, this dude got too close to an oil lamp and burst into flames. Sadly, everyone there thought he was a burning bush and they all waited for a guy with a big fucking beard to pop out and tell them some stories.

The end.


Nessa said...

I always wondered about the logistics of Noah and his animals, too, but I think penguins could fly back then.

I have to go put up my toys now.

Diane Mandy said...

I also wondered this questions. I also learned from someone that the Chinese word for boat is actually a composit of a few little words including 8, people, and ship. How interesting!

BrettM said...

I think the "Earth" was much smaller to people back then and Noah probably only knew about 5 species of animals. (Noah finishes putting the second cow on the raft ... claps the dust off his hands ... "There. Horse, chicken, rat, pig and cow. My Lord, your servant is done. Let it rain.")

Christielli said...

lol I love your explanation to ppl who think God would not allow global warming to happen.

Kudos to you. That made my day.

Keshi said...

hahaha great post Grunty!

I just came from such a 'Godly' blog urrrrrrrrrrrg!


Robot Zombie Vampire said...

I was told that dinosaurs and man lived concurrently, and the immense weight of the flood waters is what compacted them into the fossil record. At the ripe age of 6, this was the first of many times religion would cock my head and spread that "What the shit?" look across my face.

Jules said...

What I always wondered about with the ark was how did Jesus ensure every species made it on board. I mean think about it... there must be like, what... 1000 different species of spiders alone?!

Karyn said...

I. HEART. This post.

The Grunt said...

Nessa~ Yes, it is a little known fact that penguins flew back in olden times. They also had big teeth and ate small, furry animals.

Diane~ That is interesting. I make jokes about this stuff, but I really do take ancient stories seriously. I mean, they came from something, some kind of truth. Possibly Noah's ark has its roots in Atlantis.

Brett~ You funny. I guess it runs in the family, no? You are the only one here who knows where my wise cracks come from and how much I really do respect God. I just need to stop writing swear words.

Christielli~ See, I woke up that morning and said to myself, "Self, you need to make Christielli's day today because she kicks major ass and is good to you."

Keshi~ A godly blog? Did it have nuns giving out lashings?

RZV~ We should trade WTF Sunday school moments.

Jules~ Jesus was just awesome. Need I say more?

Karyn~ Well, I heart you. So there.

Tys on Ice said...

i think out of all the things that came from god's loins, jesus was the coolest...

as to Noah, did he feed some of the dinosaurs to the carnivorous, hence their extinction?