I'd like to talk about Butt Effin' Egypt, or more commonly known as the desert. Pictured at the top is a nifty man who paid me fifty bucks to play hide 'n' go seek. He said that the field glasses and rifle were only for show. That's me pictured below. Fortunately, I know of a lot of good hiding places and this really nice old couple gave me a ride home, with a stop at a local choke 'n' puke for frosty chocolate milkshakes. I never found out if that nice man ever had a clue where I was. Anyways, I thought that it'd be fun to do a list: a list of things to do in the desert.
- Hide a dead body
- Shoot stuff with guns. It's kewl!
- Find a dead body
- Poke said corpse with a stick or fancy umbrella.
- Wear a trucker's cap without any irony involved.
- Recreate the battle of Gettysburg with jack rabbits.
- Watch yokels burn nerve gas incompetently.
- Fall in one of thousands of unmarked mine shafts.
- Fall in two mine shafts, if the first one is shallow.
- Let a body part (your choice) dangle in the wind.
- Fart, belch, pick your nose without any guilt or shame.
- If you have no shame, please put your pants on now.
- Blue staters can live out their wildest red state fantasies, say, by burning an effigy of a secretly despised liberal icon. I mean, will somebody please burn Barbara Streisand, anyone?
- Red staters can "act" out scenes from Brokeback Mountain, for research purposes of course.
- Lay right down in the sagebrush and ____________.
- Drink beer and leave the cans right where you finished them.
- Dump toxic waste: dorm room couch, paint, grandma.
- Do the American Idol version of finding the next David Koresh, Ted Kaczynski, or Timmy McVeigh.
- Do the most absurd thing possible: I like to disguise myself as Margaret Thatcher and fool the country folk into paying their poll tax, TV license, and after I get their money, I call them all poxy bastards. Wait a minute, this has nothing to do with #19.
- Get poked by a stick or a fancy umbrella.
Did I miss any? I'd sure like to hear any of your suggestions.
5 comments:
put hats on random cacti and why not put hats on random dead bodies too?
wow. i think you may have covered just about everything. hopefully, you did. they guy looks like he thinks you're real purty.
Vera: I think that's a great idea. I'm partial to Fez hats.
Crystal: He gave me a three minute head start. As you can see from the photo, I'm really a delicate little flower and couldn't withstand a heavy dose of man love.
Thomas: Good suggestion. Starbucks should give you a high paying corporate lawyer gig. I mean, after all your love and devotion that you've given them it's the least they could do.
Thre was no squealing like a big involved out there was there?
D
Scott, you devilish so and so. That's pretty funny though. Woooh, squeal boy! I still can't get into your blog, Scott. Same deal with Thomas.
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