Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Things To Do In The Desert

I'd like to talk about Butt Effin' Egypt, or more commonly known as the desert. Pictured at the top is a nifty man who paid me fifty bucks to play hide 'n' go seek. He said that the field glasses and rifle were only for show. That's me pictured below. Fortunately, I know of a lot of good hiding places and this really nice old couple gave me a ride home, with a stop at a local choke 'n' puke for frosty chocolate milkshakes. I never found out if that nice man ever had a clue where I was. Anyways, I thought that it'd be fun to do a list: a list of things to do in the desert.
  1. Hide a dead body
  2. Shoot stuff with guns. It's kewl!
  3. Find a dead body
  4. Poke said corpse with a stick or fancy umbrella.
  5. Wear a trucker's cap without any irony involved.
  6. Recreate the battle of Gettysburg with jack rabbits.
  7. Watch yokels burn nerve gas incompetently.
  8. Fall in one of thousands of unmarked mine shafts.
  9. Fall in two mine shafts, if the first one is shallow.
  10. Let a body part (your choice) dangle in the wind.
  11. Fart, belch, pick your nose without any guilt or shame.
  12. If you have no shame, please put your pants on now.
  13. Blue staters can live out their wildest red state fantasies, say, by burning an effigy of a secretly despised liberal icon. I mean, will somebody please burn Barbara Streisand, anyone?
  14. Red staters can "act" out scenes from Brokeback Mountain, for research purposes of course.
  15. Lay right down in the sagebrush and ____________.
  16. Drink beer and leave the cans right where you finished them.
  17. Dump toxic waste: dorm room couch, paint, grandma.
  18. Do the American Idol version of finding the next David Koresh, Ted Kaczynski, or Timmy McVeigh.
  19. Do the most absurd thing possible: I like to disguise myself as Margaret Thatcher and fool the country folk into paying their poll tax, TV license, and after I get their money, I call them all poxy bastards. Wait a minute, this has nothing to do with #19.
  20. Get poked by a stick or a fancy umbrella.

Did I miss any? I'd sure like to hear any of your suggestions.


vera said...

put hats on random cacti and why not put hats on random dead bodies too?

Crystal said...

wow. i think you may have covered just about everything. hopefully, you did. they guy looks like he thinks you're real purty.

Thomas said...

#21 Build a Starbucks.

The Grunt said...

Vera: I think that's a great idea. I'm partial to Fez hats.

Crystal: He gave me a three minute head start. As you can see from the photo, I'm really a delicate little flower and couldn't withstand a heavy dose of man love.

Thomas: Good suggestion. Starbucks should give you a high paying corporate lawyer gig. I mean, after all your love and devotion that you've given them it's the least they could do.

Scott said...

Thre was no squealing like a big involved out there was there?


The Grunt said...

Scott, you devilish so and so. That's pretty funny though. Woooh, squeal boy! I still can't get into your blog, Scott. Same deal with Thomas.