There was a young man named The Grunt. The young man had always wanted to have special powers, but nature seemed to give him the "short" end of the stick. Then one day a magical fairy came to visit The Grunt. "Who are you", the young man asked the strange being.
The magical fairy replied, "I am Willowkins, the saucy merman. I'm full of spunk and magical wonder."
Bewildered, The Grunt probed further, "What are you doing in my joss room, queermo?"
Slightly offended at The Grunt's somewhat hateful tone, Willowkins replied with a little spice, "Fine, I was going to give you three wishes, but now you only get one, you meanie! Harrumph!!!"
Becoming intrigued, The Grunt pondered the possibilities of having one wish coming true. Well, I could wish for invisibility. Then I could rob banks, haunt the White House, and watch naked girls shower. Nah, what about if I wished for world peace? Well, where's the fun in that? Uh-uh, I think that if I could have one wish I would want a super power. Yes, that's it!
Willowkins waiting patiently asks, "So honey, what'll it be?" After a considerable pause, Willowkins bursts out with head shaking attitude, "I haven't got all day, hon. This girl's got to get her manicure on."
"Alright, alright...don't flip your sea shells, missy. I got my wish all figured out."
"Okay, do you know that one cartoon, 'Apache Chief'?"
"No, not really. Please explain for me, why don't you?"
The Grunt then excitedly explained, "Yeah, here's this guy, right? He's just this regular, loin cloth wearin' Indian dude, but when he calls out 'Inuk-Chuk' he grows to be like a hundred feet tall and shit!"
Willowkins starts to giggle, "That's the stupidest thing that I've ever heard. Did your mother have any children that lived?"
"Yeah, um...no, what?" A little frustrated with Willowkins riddle, The Grunt continued, embarrassed, "Well, I was thinking that you could do the same thing for me...." The Grunt pauses, pointing down with nudging eyes, and says in a high whisper, "But, you know...for down there."
Willowkins pursed his mouth, then gave The Grunt a sly wink, saying, "Ohhhh...It's not your length that matters hon; it's your amount of girth that'll move the earth. Don't you know that my little clam-bake cupcake, hmmn?"
The Grunt, in no mood for games any longer, replied, "It's my choice, my wish. Give it to me, now: I say my magic word of choice, 'Shazam', and it makes that Six Million Dollar Man sound 'bananananah'. Then it just gets all huge 'n' stuff. Sweet dude, this is gonna be totally killer!"
Willowkins thinks over details that factor in beyond the simple man's desires and decides that a quest is in order to teach the young man a lesson about getting what you asked for. "Okay beanie, I'll grant you this wish, but only if you complete a quest."
"Yeah, sure. I'll do whatever to get on with the phallongulating." The Grunt then trailed off mumbling, lost in his fantasy world, "Oscar my boy, you seem a little frail today. Let me Excaliberize you, 'Shazam!!!' My, what big teeth you have..."
Willowkins interrupted The Grunt's daydreaming, and continued, "Well, are you done? Can we continue? Good. The quest that you must go on is a perilous one. You must go to the desert, find the ancient petroglyphs and decipher them. They'll guide you in The Fiery Furnace, where you'll be tested."
So, having all the necessary information that he needed, The Grunt then asked Willowkins, "Dude, can you like give me a lift to that place you just talked about?"
Willowkins beamed, "Of course, you silly sausage. It's the pink Miata outside."
Willowkins and The Grunt left the smelly joss room with it's billowy, incense fouled linens and hopped into the fabulous pink Miata with a Kylie Minogue mix tape playing the whole way down.
When the twosome arrived in the sweltering desert, the enormity of the rock and sand scared Willowkins, who grabbed the nearest knee not of his own and excited The Grunt, just a little.
"Well, mister, this is where you get off." Willowkins' eyes grew moist with dewey drops of gay emotion, bit his lip, waved his hands in front of his chest, then added, "Come here you bitch" and gave The Grunt a makeover hug and kiss.
"Alright, oh, that's enough now...gotta get going. Don't put that there!" The Grunt said his goodbyes, turned to the west, and was off on a walkabout.
The ancient petroglyphs were not that far away. Willowkins had given The Grunt good directions and he arrived there in no time at all. One thing about The Grunt, he doesn't like to read, but he likes to look at pictures, so deciphering the petroglyphs was second nature to him.
Hmmn, The Grunt thought to himself. If this is correct, there is a glory hole located within The Fiery Furnace. This is where I will be tested. But, it also says that El Diablo lurks within its maze. I'll have to watch out for that guy. Pressing forward, The Grunt saw a fissured mass of rocks in front of him: The Fiery Furnace.
It was there in The Fiery Furnace that The Grunt had to remember the directions from the petroglyphs. Turn right at the rock, go down to the funny looking rock, ten paces kitty corner, then up and over the next rock. Behold, the glory hole. 'Tis a beautiful and sensuous thing. Finding himself in a rather amorous mood, The Grunt did what came naturally to him and climbed up and mounted the glory hole.
At first, it was smooth sailing. They don't call it slickrock for nothing. The Grunt then remembered that the petroglyphs promised him his magic powers would be granted in The Fiery Furnace. It was how he used them there that would determine if he would be worthy enough to take them with him back home. It was then that The Grunt decided to try out his magic word and impress upon Mother Nature who's cock crows the loudest, "Shazam!!!" (bananananah). What happened next was terrible. "I'm Stuck. What the hell is that thing? Holy shit, it's...it's Oscar!"
Not knowing what to do, The Grunt tried furiously to do the prom date pull-out maneuver. No luck, he had become fused solid with the rock. His magnificent hammer had suffered a heavy dose of Phallis Petrifius and he would surely die if he could not get free. At a total loss of how to remove himself from this jam, The Grunt called out for Jesus. Nothing happened. Then, remembering something from a Simpson's episode, he called out, "Save me Jebus". Just then a mysterious dark figure appeared before him, or rather to the side of him, due to obvious hindrances. The Grunt frantically asked the dark stranger if he was Jebus. The dark stranger said, "El Diablo at your service, sir."
The Grunt replied, "Close enough."
El Diablo said, twisting his moustache, "So, what seems to be the pickle, if I may ask?"
The Grunt broke down in a girlie sob, explained, "I got my pee pee caught in the sandstone whoo-ha, and now I can't get it out."
El Diablo then worked through the scenario in his head and offered The Grunt a deal, "You know, I can help you get it out of there and back to normal size if you do one thing for me in return."
"And I get to keep my special powers?"
"Yes, you get to keep your magic fun telescope."
"Anything, please, I'll do anything."
"Alright, here's the deal: you have to give me your soul in return for getting you out of there and retaining your power."
"No deal, buster", The Grunt said defiantly.
"What, you no likey the deal? Come on man, it's just your puny soul I want. You get to keep Excalibur there, too."
The Grunt thought about this long and hard, then longer, harder, and faster. Well, what good is an enormous wiener if the only thing it's good for is scaring people and breaking my back? What was it that Willowkins said? Oh yes, "It's not your length that matters hon; it's your amount of girth that'll move the earth." His fond memories of little Oscar came flooding back to him: the sandbox, underneath the bleachers, Rosie Palms and her five little sisters, Julia Childs. It was something that he took for granted. He had flown too close to the sun, and now his wings of wax could not melt any less ironically. I don't need a giant wangdoodle after all. I''m just fine the way I am. Thinking quickly, The Grunt came to a compromise with El Diablo: Have lunch with him and listen to boring stories from hell. The Grunt would be free, but lose his special power. He, however, would keep his soul.
3 years ago