Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Mysterious Nocturnal Activities

I know that I've been writing some heady and serious (for me) posts lately. But, I'm dead serious about this one. No, this is not another riff on the somnambulist theme. What happens is that I wake up every morning lately feeling as though someone's been punching me all over my body, especially the kidneys. I know that several, if not all of my readers have Fight Club as a favorite movie/book. What if...hmmmmn? I guess that if I start making soap then I should worry.

Another theory that I have is that I am a superhero, but only on a subconscious level. I sleep then transform into Nocturnal Man. I help save people from succumbing to sleep apnea, crib death, or embarrassing wet dreams (cold pack to the crotch). The bruises come from bumping into things, because it's dark at night.

The reality is that I'm probably falling out of bed again. I used to do this all the time as a kid and it would hardly ever wake me. I'd just climb back up unto the top bunk and continue sleeping, never remembering what had happened. If it weren't for my big brother witnessing it, then I would have never suspected anything. I even once fell from the top bunk and hit the back of my head on a chair on the way down. My brother said that I got up, rubbed the back of my head, circled around a few times moaning, then went back to bed. I bet you're all asking yourself, " why didn't his brother just give him the bottom bunk?" Sleeping under my brother's fat ass would have been more dangerous. There's only so much stress that bed could handle and I wasn't very keen on finding out that way.

So that's my current situation. I'd like to hear from you, my readers, as to what you think is going on with me. I welcome all your zany theories.


Scott said...

Falling out of bed eh? Perhaps your are reverting and eventually will get to a point where you end up fetal?

Just an idea!


Crystal said...

ha! your brother's fat ass. that's funny.

you should put a trough of sulfuric acid on either side of your bed. then, if you wake up with horrible blisters and burns, replace the trough with dead bunnies. then you will fall ontop of something soft and most likely will just stay there for the rest of the night.

and you should get rid of the bunk bed already. chicks don't like climbing to the top bunk.

The Grunt said...

While I get your humor, Crystal, I'm guessing that the troughs would only lead to some kind of sexual dysfunction. I don't want to have the morning wood association with a vat of dead bunnies.

Also, I should make it clear that I don't sleep in a bunk bed anymore. That was when I was a little kid. Now, I have a cool racecar bed!

Crystal said...

VRRROOOOM! Chicks LOVE racecar beds. ;)

i guess dead bunnies wouldn't be good. they would probably start to smell after a little bit anyway.

oh, well. gave it a shot.

The Grunt said...

Oh it was funny. That was one of those moments that I find myself in regularly where your mind is stuck in Robin Williams on acid mode and your mouth happens to betray yourself in front of someone who doesn't get it. But I did get it, Crystal.