Tuesday, March 14, 2006

It Figures

Why is it when ever I try to improve my diet and eat better it's free candy, donut, Mountain Dew day at work? Oh, and fifty people are having birthdays and there's cakes, muffins, eclairs, and old ladies on the street corners giving out Snickers bars, fresh baked cookies, and Jolly Ranchers: why?

As I watched the premier of the Sopranos on Sunday, I noticed that I'm starting to look like Tony Jr., but with a full head of luscious hair. Dammit! So it's come down to this: eating better and exercise. It's no longer the days of being twenty one, skinny, with my nice rack of Fabio buds forming from all my bench pressing. All this is maintained while surviving on pizza and shooting up Jolt cola and freebasing pig fat.

Now, my greatest fear is that if I don't nip things in the bud, I'll have to start wearing a "bro". There was a time were I could do full days, back to back, of skiing moguls and still be ready for whatevers. I'm a better skier than I was back then technically, but having to wipe the knee cap off your goggles can be a bit stomach churning.

I think that the final straw for me was a restaurant serving some corned beef and cabbage, in honor of St. Patrick's Day. I had to get it. Yes, I willingly bought and ate corned beef and cabbage. You would not believe the shit I went through after consuming that poison, literally. Plus, that cabbage filled my belly with so much gas, it was like I was being prepped for a laparoscopy.

Reminds me of a scene from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, where they feature a Catholic family living somewhere in Yorkshire and they sing about how every sperm is sacred and something like this, "...because, God won't let me wear one of those little rubber things around my cock." Okay, not that part, but this one seemed apropos, (mum, doing the washing up has a baby, sans the usual labor pains and noises--baby plopping to the ground) "Will you get that, Deirdre?" Only if it were that easy. Damn pepto didn't do anything for me.

Well, I think that I went a little off track there. Not my usual coherent rant. Anyways, I hope that today I can maintain.


vera said...

*offers The Wafer-Thin Mint(tm)*


Crystal said...

ha. you said freebasing pig fat.

logo said...

OK, bonus points awarded for knowledge of MP Meaning of Life, and the phrase "freebasing pig fat"
Points deducted for eating that nasty stuff, what were you thinking??

mona said...

I wanna work where you work.

Thomas said...

Your life sounds like a bad episode of Seinfeld.

Scott said...

Love the Meaning of Life reference.

Thanks for the comment on my blog about your Father. I am glad it struck a chord with you.


The Grunt said...

Thanks for all your comments. You guys are great as usual.

Thomas, what the hell? A bad episode of Seinfeld, huh? Well it's a damn sight better than the best episode of Will & Grace. What I keep hidden though is that I'm really living a cross between a Sanford and Son and a Twin Peaks episode.

I'll take what you said as a compliment.

Lea said...

...or you might have to start wearing a "man-sierre" (sp?)