I know that internet friendships and acquaintances are not typically as "real" as the 3-D people that we all have in our lives. Still, your comments to my previous post really did mean a lot to me. I've been having an awfully hard time with seeing my mother's health deteriorate. I can honestly say that I am not ready for her to die. It looks like the best my family can hope for in this case is that she can have some more time without pain. The doctors are being really non-committal with their diagnosis. My best notion is that it is lung cancer and that the treatment is mostly being geared to relieving pain and giving her a bit more time. This week and next week will be the litmus test with the radiation treatments to see how the cancer responds.
I was thinking to myself the other day: Why can't my sister, grandma and grandma, just show up in a bus and come and take my mom to Heaven? Well, if we could all choose then we would not know compassion and what it is to truly value life. I struggle a lot now with my religion. More has been demanded of me than what I have felt I can give. I try to participate and I feel inadequate. Whatever the case, I have decided that my loved ones believe in something and I want to be with them. I guess that makes me part of a tribe.
Being part of a tribe is essential to survival. The help that my family has received from their "tribe" during this time has been incredible. When the shit goes down you need a well organized support group. So, my appreciation of my people has been great and has given me things to think about. I'd also like to think that you guys are part of me as well. You make me feel less like just another lunatic with internet access.
From here, I am not sure where things will go. I had a good talk with my mother tonight. What she was able to say was that I was a good man and that I needed to find a good woman. It was nice to hear that my mom is still thinking about my well being, even when she is in the state that she is in. My heart breaks every time I sit next to her and think of what will ultimately happen. I have cried great big floppy tears while giving her hugs and saying "I love you". It makes me even more emotional when I hear her try to say it back, because she sounds kind of like Scooby Doo and I find it cute. When I do get to work it is nice to focus on a project and forget that I am not doing so well, or that I feel alone. It is nice to forget, but it doesn't happen often. It is nice to sleep, but that is hard to come by.
Grace is what we all need. Gimmie some of that, please.
4 years ago