Mr. Superior's dissaproval

I once had several blogs when I had a huge creative streak going on. I don't know where those ambitions went. I also had plans to finish story ideas that I had. Working a dead end job and destroying my body for no bloody good reason, it is apparent to me that I did not love myself enough to fight for my dreams--we all now know how well I have been rewarded for being the monkey. I don't know where I let it all go, but the wearing down came. It's funny how people that I spend the most time with can know so little about who I wanted to be. I'm not talking about family, because we all know that we end up spending more time with people at work than with loved ones. Who cares? Some do and then some don't care, I suppose. I shouldn't live my life based on this, but I need approval too, sometimes.

Life is a funny thing. I tried presenting a friend of mine that I work with a creative opportunity--a chance to work on something together just for fun. It all started when he texted me with these funny sayings that were born of his own personal frustrations. Well, me being me, I thought I'd surprise him with a blog based on these texts. The idea was to get him to participate because I thought he would be great. This blog had two posts where I shared his "philosophies" as a misguided pupil, who had a bit of a skewed way about him. This character was based on people that we knew. I thought it would be a good inside joke.

So, I told him about it and he read it. It pretty much got thrown back in my face. I don't know if it was that he saw something about him, via my written perspective, that offended him or didn't like. In some ways, I think it threatened him because he wasn't aware of my writing abilities (in this case "disabilities").

The sense I got was that he felt he no longer had control and now he doesn't talk to me except for anything work related. I don't have time for people that want to pull this kind of shit. I wouldn't have mentioned this if it were an isolated incident with this "friend", but I've tried to do several collaborations with him with music (he's a classically trained violin and guitar player) but I still could not work with him due to his being a control freak.

So, in short, I took an opportunity to share a bit of that "me" with one of those people that did not know my other side. I'm finding out that I have made friends and spend time with people who really don't want to know me. There are those kind of people that feel they know you and that is where it ends, anything else either doesn't interest them or makes them uncomfortable. If you take time to share with them you may find yourself thankful for just a blank stare. Thank God I have still some people in my life that are interested in who I am and finding out more about the person that is me.

Suffers from frequent posting and painful yearnination

So, I've come to find out how unprepared my parents are for their future. Fark. Do your children a huge favor and get insured to the hilt, namely, long-term care, or just move to Canada. My sister from Idaho has been away from her family taking care of my mother's needs, stuff that a son should be spared from doing. Debbie has missed her son's birthday this week and I know that it is wearing on her. It is hard to not get wore down in emotion, something a professional would be better prepared to handle.

Anyway, I have been given a chance to get to know my youngest sister (five years my senior) better. We were closer when we were young, until she became a teen, then after that we haven't been that close. So, getting closer to her has been one of the blessings that has come from this experience.

I was going to take a headboard and foot board to the local Deseret Industries (like Goodwill, etc.). These were going to be a project of my mom's but were in the way of accessing the car in the garage in her wheel chair. I thought it would be good to ask her first if it was okay. She thought about it for awhile and said that she still wanted them. So, I am taking them to their storage unit (which I was trying to get them out of $$$). In a way, this was nice to hear because she is still fighting and hopeful that she has some life ahead of her.

I need to reiterate that while my mother's cancer is ultimately incurable, and if nothing was done would kill her in a matter of weeks or so, she hasn't been told by her doctors that there is nothing that can be done. I don't feel that her doctors would try treating her if it were not worth doing so, if there were no chance of her having more quality time of life. I prepare for two things: her journey out of this world and what kind of needs she will have if the doctors are able to pull off a miracle. I know where the odds are stacked, but we still have yet to be told that there is no hope. Today will be her third radiation treatment; these will continue for another week and a half, then the doctors will be able to see where to go from there.

I've been working on what I call "hope goals". What these are is my way of not overwhelming myself with negativity and focusing on one-little hope that will get me through the day. Right now, my hope and positive energy is being focused on the tumor that is effecting my mom's eye sight and oral functioning. I know that if progress is made in this area that she can communicate a bit better, see her surroundings better, and get to eat more substantially. After that, my energy is focused on her tumor that is causing her pain in her lower back and legs. Morphine sulphate helps there as well, I suppose.

Well, thanks for reading. I really haven't been capable of being all that entertaining lately, with all this emotional heavy lifting going on. I had to get a new picture for my security badge because the old one was faded (yeah, I still have a bit part in the working world--a little more than a walk on). The lady said that I looked serious. Yeah, I do....I am.

Thank you, everyone

I know that internet friendships and acquaintances are not typically as "real" as the 3-D people that we all have in our lives. Still, your comments to my previous post really did mean a lot to me. I've been having an awfully hard time with seeing my mother's health deteriorate. I can honestly say that I am not ready for her to die. It looks like the best my family can hope for in this case is that she can have some more time without pain. The doctors are being really non-committal with their diagnosis. My best notion is that it is lung cancer and that the treatment is mostly being geared to relieving pain and giving her a bit more time. This week and next week will be the litmus test with the radiation treatments to see how the cancer responds.

I was thinking to myself the other day: Why can't my sister, grandma and grandma, just show up in a bus and come and take my mom to Heaven? Well, if we could all choose then we would not know compassion and what it is to truly value life. I struggle a lot now with my religion. More has been demanded of me than what I have felt I can give. I try to participate and I feel inadequate. Whatever the case, I have decided that my loved ones believe in something and I want to be with them. I guess that makes me part of a tribe.

Being part of a tribe is essential to survival. The help that my family has received from their "tribe" during this time has been incredible. When the shit goes down you need a well organized support group. So, my appreciation of my people has been great and has given me things to think about. I'd also like to think that you guys are part of me as well. You make me feel less like just another lunatic with internet access.

From here, I am not sure where things will go. I had a good talk with my mother tonight. What she was able to say was that I was a good man and that I needed to find a good woman. It was nice to hear that my mom is still thinking about my well being, even when she is in the state that she is in. My heart breaks every time I sit next to her and think of what will ultimately happen. I have cried great big floppy tears while giving her hugs and saying "I love you". It makes me even more emotional when I hear her try to say it back, because she sounds kind of like Scooby Doo and I find it cute. When I do get to work it is nice to focus on a project and forget that I am not doing so well, or that I feel alone. It is nice to forget, but it doesn't happen often. It is nice to sleep, but that is hard to come by.

Grace is what we all need. Gimmie some of that, please.

My mom needs your prayers

Hey, I know that death and disease seems to be a common theme with me; I wish they weren't. But I need some favors from you...again. Whatever you got, send it out there to the heavens and ask God to help my mother. She has cancer again. This is the third time that she has had it. It is spreading fast and is in her lungs, liver, and some of her bones. She has a tumor at the base of her skull that has caused significant damage to the point where she is unable to talk or eat properly. To be honest, I think this is it. My family and I are still waiting to find out if her doctors will be able to contain the cancer and give her some more time. If they can't, it looks like this thing will be taking over fairly soon. I just would like to see her enjoy her grandchildren and the great grandchildren some more.

I have to see my losing a good portion of my hours at work as a blessing of sorts. I will be able to spend more time and care for my mom. My emotions are all over the place this week. What can I say? When it rains it friggin' deluges.

Uncle already!

Some Advice

Never try to corn your own beef. The cow doesn't like it when you put your corn in there. Leave that sort of thing to the professionals. Besides, I hear that is not the way you make corned beef.

Never trust the man. Which man? The Man!

When your boss brings you into their office and says, "I was debating whether or not Friday was a good day to tell you this...", you are probably about to get laid off or have your hours cut. I recommend that you fake a heart attack and shit on the floor. I should have thought of this sooner.

Whether or not you know this, someone or some people regard you on the same level of a pet. What kind of pet that is depends on your personality. Just hope that pet is not a gold fish, hermit crab, or pet rock. My advice here is to be proactive: wear a collar.

Beware of anyone who has a picture of Ronald Reagan next to their children's photos. They are probably the ones that are looking to downsize shit.

Rx

Icy Hot needs to make a patch to dull the pain of loneliness.

I hear that getting loaded is bad for your health.

I think I'll stick with bacon and Nutella sandwiches.

*Sigh*

Something that I wrote in a notebook tonight

I decided to try writing in a notebook before taking it to post on here. I was hoping that returning back to pen and paper that something different would some of it. I just needed to.


"A Real Humanitarian"

Thank God I'm an acrobat
a Democrat
an aristocrat
A closet Republican.

No need for an apology
this is me
what you see
is what I be
but inside I'm not.

Anyone with half a mind would know
that the seeds I sow will grow
from my lies
but your eyes
tell me everything that I say
is...

The Bible truth.

So,
Thank you God, I'm fine with that
cool as cats
happy and fat
from me springs forth laughter.

I can't believe that I get away
with this charade
while the time of day
keeps the children busy and blind.

~T.S. Grunt

Nowt. Nada. Zip!

My inspiration to write blogana is phbbbbt! Gone. BUT! But my need for attention and your presence is still strong. So I will try to write a few things to jump start this post.

You should try this sometime: go into a restaurant and go to the counter, or tell the waiter, "I'll have one food, please!"

I think Jack Black is not funny anymore. I know that some of you will say that he was never funny, and you would probably be right. I held out hope that he would discover some other method of acting other than "aaaand...eyebrows!" I think after enduring "Gulliver's Travels", or as my 1/32 part retard friend calls it "Gullav's Trails", some kind of charges should be filed against Hollywood for throwing this steaming pile of entertainment in my face. Well, if it weren't for my brother and this friend choosing this movie on our outing, I wouldn't have seen it. However, I did. Yeah, so I need to do something about it. An angry letter to my congressman? NO! Jack Black should have to play a Nazi child molester in his next film. That should do the trick. Oh, and it should be in 3-D.

Until today, I had no idea what a "Juggalo" was. I have seen them before. I figured that they were just misguided losers. Turns out that I was right.

I think I like chips 'n' dip a little too much. This holiday season my consumption of the snack saw new and disgusting levels. There's something about bad winter weather, time off from work, back problems, and over all malaise that lends one to gluttony. 2011 is going to be my year, I can feel it!