Thursday, June 02, 2011

Bits and pieces

I don't have a lot to say, but there is a lot on my mind lately. I have to think about my future in terms of reality and not fantasy/horror genres. I have been working really, seriously hard, but still have no permanent status with the hours that I've been getting. I've had them cut and then given back to me, but from all over the damn place (different departments), to finally getting an ok through till September. Why? Because it turns out that they really, really needed me...but only until the hard work is over. I feel foolish for not thinking of myself more; as in, taking care of my future and my needs. I sometimes get real down on myself for this.

On a somewhat, but not totally related note: There's this feeling I get that people think I'm strange, or that something is wrong with me. I haven't figured myself out completely, but aside from professional things, I think I know myself well enough to understand what I don't like and what is going to lead me to liberation of soul and mind.

The personal views that are developing from dealing with all that my family and I have been through are taking me to better places inside of me and in harmony with the cosmos. These places are helping me heal, overcome self hate, anger, and accept more humanity into my life. These places are also different from before and might be something that will alienate me from those who might not understand why some people just need to do things differently.

I am grown up enough to have respect and no animosity for people who are really trying to do things better for themselves and their kin. If they are getting there by righteous means, then, Godspeed. And that is all I have to say about that. Chocolate?


Megan said...

Firstly, yes on the chocolate. Only a communist would say no to chocolate.

I think a lot of people have those "what is wrong with me" moments. Some more often than others. I know I do. I think the key is to internally (mentally) turn yourself into a old, grumpy man who doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks. Maybe this is why I never became a therapist.

The directions you are going...I am reading between the lines and I've been there, done and am doing that. I have "faith" that it really will all work out and be OK.

Christielli said...

I like that you've ended the post with chocolate. Chocolate mightn't help everything, but it will always make you feel better. :) Hope you get everything figured out and that the cosmos brings you some joy.

The Grunt said...

Megan~ You are right on the money with the whole "old, grumpy man" idea. It seemed to work for Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. As for the other stuff, I'm not looking to stir things up much. I just want to be able to live in a way that I don't feel like I am totally indebted to something that hasn't owned up to certain facts, or lack thereof. I'm not out to spoil Christmas for the children. But, personally, I am tired of people telling me that Santa isn't going to give me presents, unless I continue to drink the cider with total, submissive zeal. The Wizards of OZ know what they are and they don't ever want that curtain pulled back! Word.

Christielli~ Well, comments like that go well with chocolate and the cosmos:)

Megan said...

I once had a dream that I had sex with Jack Lemmon. I should clarify that I didn't actually HAVE it in my dream, but we both knew what had happened. The most disturbing part about it is how undisturbing it was :).

Hey,I know plenty of Lollipop kids who are GREAT following the Wizard, an it's cool with me. I have nothing bad to say about that choice. For me, a lot of soul AND scholarly searching "set me free" so to speak. And after an initial grieving period, I have honestly never been happier. It's probably all of the coffee flooding my system ;).

Jules said...

I think it happens to all of us at some point.. we wake up and think.. WTF? How did I get HERE when I thought I was heading THERE. It takes courage and brainpower to get yourself onto the track you want to be on whether that be in regards to romance, work, or other fulfilling relationships.

Gather strength from the things/people you know to be dependable, straightforward and wise.

I hope the work scenario straightens itself out soon.. it's too stressful not knowing when the last paycheque will be.


jason said...

Hey Grunto, I know how you feel. I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life, and I've decided to leave behind all the things that I think others want me to do, to do the things that I want to do. I'm moving out west next week. It will probably be a struggle as I get situated and try my luck in new environs, but I think it will be worth it in the end... or at the very least, I'll have to sink or swim on my own terms.

The Grunt said...

Megan~ I've had that kind of dream before and it starred Betty White. As for the Land of Oz, some of the best people ever are a product of it. It is a good way to live your life by and raise a family in. Too bad it makes certain claims based on fraud and deceit. I may choose the silent path to deal with it, but it is no longer something I can ignore personally.

Jules~ Thanks for your words of encouragement. Change is scary as hell and can take time.

Jason~ That sounds great, taking the leap. Where in the West are you moving to?

Megan said...

I am on the silent path, at least for the most part. The fam has figured out that I'm MIA on Sundays, but other than that, I don't discuss it with them. I'm still too big of a wimp to wear a tank top around them. Yeah, I'm hard core :)