I get a lot from you and your comments. I needed to tell you all that. I do have friends and family, but this blog has been my outlet for that part of me that I had to stifle in order to make good with the teachers, principals, bishops, Sunday school teachers, scout masters, mission leaders, and bosses.
I used to get in a lot of trouble. For such a self conscious person, I sure could be impulsive when I was young. Sometimes it just made me happy to call my algebra teacher a "fucking asshole" in front of the class. Sometimes it made me happy to experiment with firecrackers and seeing how big a one I could make. Sometimes life just made more sense after huffing gasoline in my friend's trailer. Sometimes I just didn't want to go to school and do my homework (which resulted in night and summer school).
Why? Because, there were nights where I found my grandma half-naked in the hall crying because she didn't make it to the bathroom in time. And the times when my grandpa, from the other side of the family, would have buckets of piss laying around in the room and I'd have to dump them for him, only to have him ask, "Whose boy are you?" Then there were those times where my dad made me call up his work and say stuff like my sister was in a car accident, so he didn't have to go into work--because he wouldn't leave the master bedroom due to panic attacks. My dad finally losing his job and never returning to work, ever, was a real boost to my esteem. Oh, and my mother almost dying of cancer during all of this shit. Yeah, and that feeling that I was causing all of this to happen to my family because of my dirty thoughts and delinquencies. Yeah, that good ol' "I'm really gonna go to hell" feeling; that was all I felt the whole time growing up. So, getting out and breaking a window, throwing a rock at a car, getting into fist fights: yeah, that was a nice outlet. Now, after many years of the white washing of my soul not working out, I find myself blogging. It is more becoming of me, I think.
After having crapped this enormous paragraph, a memory has come back to me. When my oldest sister got pregnant out of wedlock, my dad gathered the whole family together to discuss the matter. After all the news was handed to us there was a silence, and then I said, "But what will the neighbors think?"
Earl...
11 years ago
7 comments:
Life... hard enough without the bucket of guilt that seem to be, instead of the cherry on top, the steam from the pile of shit. Hang in there. I'm confident that you are not going to Hell. Speaking of going to Hell, who cares what the neighbors think :).
I like what Megan said about hell and who cares about what the neighbours speak.
I know I have lots of stuff from my past that haunts me. A lot of it is so bottled up and I've never ever told a soul about it. I admire you for blogging it out instead of bottling it up.
Seriously, if you need a place to just get away to for a week or two and sort out some thoughts, my door is open. No pressures, no worries. Just a safe place to isolate and rediscover what's important in life. The summers are nice here. just saying.
Megan~ I am hanging in there like an inspirational poster kitten hanging on a clothes line.
Christielli~ Well, there's still plenty that I keep inside. I'm working at expressing myself better.
Jules~ But what would the neighbors think??:D That sounds tempting and I know that you'd be a good host. Thanks for welcoming me!
may i suggest a road trip? ...u know, a get away? Sometimes putting a lil distance from the day to day routine and existence can help...
u seem to always find ur own way of dealing with the shit thrown at u...u have to remember how bloody strong u r...hell, i think u already know it..
i wish i believed in god, i wud have prayed for u..but right now, i will raise my glass in toast..
to u.
Sorry I've been away so long. I have a urinary tract infection. And I was going to say something supportive, but since you brought up buckets of pee, I have to go again.
I mean it. :) LOL, the neighbours.. hahahaha...
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