Sunday, November 29, 2009

Off ramps are the new toll booths, vegan hair, and sensless time machine violence

The healing begins...

If you are part of the growing homeless population, never fear, there is hope. You may think that you are jobless and without hope for a bright future, but you can join the ranks of "independent", self-employed/appointed toll booth operators of our nations highway off ramps. Yes, it can be you, the guilt-inducing village idiot, that comes up to my car and demands funds for your unfortunate circumstances. It has become such that when getting on the highway that I would rather drive to the middle of Death Valley and start selling beef jerky from a trailer just to get away from you. I must tell you a story that happened to me today. I was in this situation and I gave the man a few bucks only to have him come back to my truck and demand more money. When I didn't give him any more money, he started cussing at me. Yay! Charity is fun.

Being the youngest, I am handed the scraps of my deceased sister's estate. I am okay with this. My oldest sister gets a fairly nice car and I get...shampoo. However, this is no ordinary shampoo, folks. No, this is vegan shampoo. Even better, it is vegan shampoo that gives your hair more body! This sounds a bit paradoxical: going vegan usually involves losing body. But hey, I'm open minded and went ahead and tried it. The first day seemed to go well enough. My hair smelled better--they say that vegans do--and I did have a rather shiny coat of fur atop my noggin. It was after day three that things got a little strange. I woke up and found a whole pile of spare rib bones on my pillow. I think my hair is trying to tell me something.

I was angered the other day by somebody referring to my sister as being a "drunk". It was then that a rather strange thought came to my mind: I am going to get a time machine and punch you in the face two days ago, you ponce! I have no idea what going back in time would actually do, so I thought this was a bit silly. Then I was cut off by some douche bag on the highway and I said it this time, "I am going to get a time machine and punch you in the face two days ago, peckerwood!" It was then that I realized that if I punched them in the present it would be a little too on the nose, no pun intended. If I came up to them two days earlier and said that I had a message from the future (I'd wear a space suit disguise or something) then punched them, then they would be mystified and shit their pants. It would just be great fun to use a time machine for such senseless purposes. I guess I wouldn't need a time machine to wear a space suit and punch people. It probably has the same effect from their point of view.

I have come to the conclusion that Bigfoot is just a ghost wearing a fur coat.


Christielli said...

Hmmmm, I like the idea of going back in time and punching someone in the nose. However, it would probably result in them saying the remark and then saying "oh crap" because as soon as it was out of their mouth, they'd most likely know that was the reason for the pre-emptive time-travelling punch.

Or, maybe they are such an insensitive clod that they'd never figure it out.

Glad that the healing process is beginning.

vera said...

i have vegan shampoo...

Jules said...

OMG, LOL... sare rib bones on your pillow. Hilarious!

It's hard to imagine somebody saying something so mean about a person who's passed on. I'd want to unch them inthe face and/or make them shit their pants too...

Anonymous said...

Beauty, unaccompanied by virtue, is as a flower without perfume.

The Grunt said...

Christielli~ I find that laughter really is the best medicine. It's a good thing that I'm funny.

Vera~ I think that you need to throw in some bacon bits with that shampoo. Your hair will thank you for that.

Jules~ I think some people just don't think about what they say. This person is quite untactful anyway and I shouldn't have expected anything different from them.

;lmncx;oknw~ How's the fishing?