Thursday, November 26, 2009

Survival

I can't choose everything that I experience. I can choose how I use my experience.

The funeral was sad, beautiful, and spiritual. My eulogy went well, I am told. I really felt something strong surrounding me as I spoke. Bonnie had a great send off.

Going back to work was hard. Having people ask me how she died brought back bad memories for me. I am starting to feel that her death was suicide, but committed under extreme impairment--most likely an accidental overdose. If she was cognizant of her actions, then she would have left a letter and had some kind of "send off" for herself. She loved her family too much to leave without saying something.

I can hear her call my name out of my sleep, startling me awake.

I feel guilty sometimes for wanting her back.

She shouldn't ever have to go back. She completed her mortality. Now she knows what only an immortal can know.

5 comments:

Julie Schuler said...

From across the miles, I hope you are well today.

Christielli said...

You are often in my thoughts during these times.

I think the most important thing in life is love, and from your blog I know that your sister had yours and your family's love, and that's what is important.

KuPu said...

I'm thinking of you very often Matt. She was very lucky to have you in her life and I'm sure she is smiling down on you and is Thanking you for that. It's only natural to want someone back, so don't feel bad, especially when it wasn't expected. And feel free to write about your feelings on here. Grieving is important and is hard. And never rush it, no matter what people say. K. Sending a million Hugs to you.

Jules said...

(((((HUGS))))))

After my step dad passed away, I woke up in shivers from dead cold sleeps more than once, because I felt him visiting me. I used to talk to him, tell him that I needed to get back to sleep and thanked him for watching over me.

Love you, Grunty... it's a hard time, but all hard times make us stronger.

The Grunt said...

Julie~ Thanks! It has been hard, still. I don't think it ever goes away.

Christielli~ You know, I have thought about you thinking about me and then I start thinking about ice cream for some reason;)

KuPu~ I need all the hugs I can get-- a million helps!

Jules~ I have felt her around from time to time and I wonder what she is thinking. It's hard. She was my closest sister and one of my best friends.