Friday, January 01, 2016

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday!!!) Han Solo's Illegitimate Son, Keytar

Many people do not know this, but aside from Ben Solo (Kylo Ren), Han Solo had fathered many other kids throughout the Star Wars galaxy, albeit, illegitimately.  I mean, you didn't expect an intergalactic smuggler to stay celibate while hitting all those freaky space bars, did you?  And as for his special relationship with Chewie, I mean, do you know how hard it is to get wookie hair out of your asshole? Sharp teeth much?? Nope! No, Han had a blowup doll to tide him over to the next stop. 

It was at the most infamous of space bars, Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine, that Han met Keytar's mother, Laimee Ryenou, and also where Keytar was concieved, in the droid closet.  Funnily enough, that's what Laimee called her space vagina.  I don't know what the difference between a space vagina and a regular one is, but I think it has something to do with how bad things have got stretched out or something to do with hitting "light speed", or passing through a wormhole.  Hey, at least she didn't call it her "sarlacc pit". Fun fact: Luke Skywalker lost the skin off of his robot hand to a rather voracious "droid closet".

Anyway, Han's inspiration in naming Keytar came from the music that was playing by the band, Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes. It was one of the Nodes who took the spotlight, playing an outright brain-defying solo on his signature instrument right as Han and Laimee were hitting "light speed" together. Erm, well, we all know that Han shot first....we'll leave it at that. Back to that glorious instrument. What was it, you ask?  Well, it was none other than the keytar!
Han didn't keep in touch very often with his Tatooine lady, nor made much of an effort to connect with his son, Keytar Solo.  It's sad, really, because Keytar is a bit of an unsung hero in the Star Wars universe.  He was a pioneer for interspecies gay rights (one who is sexually attracted to an intelligent being of the same sex, but not of the same species). Mainly, he took his fight to the Empire, choosing to change things within the system.  This was a bold move, seeing has how uptight the Darkside is about anything that could be construed as "space gay".  You'd think it would be different, with the name "Darkside", right?

Whatever happened to Keytar Solo, you ask? Well rumor has it, after his long campaign for "space gay rights" within the Empire and tenure as a daytime talk show host, Keytar settled down with his Ewok longtime companion, Furtürd, on some far away beach planet (space gay marriages hadn't been legalized yet). Ever seen a hairless Ewok? That's how you can tell, my friends.

The irony in all of this is that Keytar Solo never learned how to play the keytar.  In fact, he didn't much care for that instrument at all.  Strange.


Vampiressrory said...

Well... I will never look at a keytar the same way again. Mostly because from now on my brain will start trying to conjure up images of what the hell a hairless Ewok might look like... Yikes! Why does my brain do this to me? Haha. Is this what your brain does to you? Ah well, I will just have to overcome this, because really, bitches love keytar solos! Tehe.

The Grunt said...

My brain does many strange things to me, especially at night. That's when I write most of my posts and it explains a lot. Anyway, when this sort of thing happens to your brain, just think of your pal, Grunty!

Bitches, men and women, do love their keytar solos. I've not tried exposing a bitch (canine) to one yet. I fear getting bit.