Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Ghost Clothes

Why, when people claim to see ghosts, do they see them wearing clothes?  Did their clothes die with them, or is there a special department store in the afterlife that sells ghost clothes? Personally, I think I'd be way scarier if I jumped out in front of somebody naked, with all my dangley bits in full view...even more if I were a ghost.

A ghost department store would have to be huge.  Think of all the periods of fashion that it would have to cater to, even clear down to caveman times.  Come to think of it, why aren't there people seeing caveman ghosts? Why are there not EVPs with grunting noises from caveman ghosts? Probably the grunting EVPs are mistaken for demons or sexy ghosts.  Anyway, I got off track again.

So, you die, and the first thing you need in the afterlife are some kick-ass duds.  Do you need ghost cash or credit?  How would you go about getting that kind of thing?  Is it all gratis???  I can't imagine God shouting you the cash to go buy a new wardrobe without asking you first if you plan on scaring the shit out of the living.  I don't know, maybe God is cool with that, and scaring the shit out of people on earth is just what spirits in the afterlife do for fun.  Going haunting would be a great first date, I'd think.  Now I'm certain I know where ghost moans come from. And if you are getting sexed up by a moaning ghost, just assume that it is probably a former, horny Frenchman, and the correct response is either, "get out of my ass/vagina" or "enchanté".  Either way, you'll be down for a day or two afterwards.

When I die and become a ghost, what look should I go for?  Chains are pretty heavy, but I'm sure that ghost chains are pretty light, just noisy.  Would I keep my original earth look or go for some flowing, tattered sheets?  I guess I'd probably do several looks.  My family and friends would be less likely to shit their pants if I looked more like I did when I was alive.  Maybe I'd wear some angelic shit just to dazzle them or make them think I pleased God waaaaay more than expected.  I'd have a casual look just for some general ghosting around.  I'd like to haunt some hipsters wearing more stereotypical ghost looks--vintage, let's say--just so they'd detect my hints of irony in my haunting style.  I mean, it's crucial to be aware of things like that, knowing your audience.

In conclusion, ghosts don't need clothes as much as they still are attached to some aspects of mortality and still experience a measure of shame.  Keeping clothed is a ghost's way of staying connected to their former life on earth and retaining some of their mortal identity. 

P.S. Someone should try to kill a shirt or pants, just to see if clothes can die.  If you try this and find a floaty shirt or such, trying to cover your nakedness, give me a call and we'll discuss your experience.  I will share with you my theory of what really happens to those left socks that go missing.

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