Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sugar plums and the dearly departed...

The past week and a half has been hard for me. My dreams have been filled with my mother and sister, not always in ways that are comforting. The range of positive to heart wrenching dream episodes keeps me wondering what I'm in for each night I go to bed. I know that I am not alone in having these kinds of dreams, either.

On the positive side, I have dreams where I am a kid again and my mother is making me pancakes. This is a sweet, comforting dream. Most of the dreams that I have had of my mother, since she passed away, have been like this. It is hard to wake up from these dreams because it is like finding out that she is gone all over again. One time I was dreaming and she just came into the middle of the dream, saying that "they" were letting her visit me. We both acknowledged that she had died. We held each other and she asked me if I had finished my school work. I replied, "No". She then answered, "Well, you'll do fine. I love you, honey." She then left the dream and I went back to regular scheduled programming. This was a very real thing. I cannot explain it any better than that.

The dreams that I have had about my sister have been emotional and traumatic. There is something strange about how I miss my sister now more than my mother, who, as you know, just passed. She was the one that I really need now in my life. She was my confidant and I don't have her anymore. I want to talk to her about how much I miss mom, which makes me feel just all over alone and lost. Anyway, the dreams I've had of my sister involve cycles of negative images and moments that revolved around the last parts of her life, the heavy shock of her death and the aftershocks of all those moments.

The most recent dream that I had of my sister was just two nights ago. Two men escorted me into her apartment building. I remember feeling afraid. Both of them were holding me by my forearms and took me up the stairs to the fifth floor. I was brought into her apartment, empty now, and left alone. An overwhelming sorrow came over me and the only thing I could do was shout again and again, "YOU'RE DEAD!" That was the dream. I hope there was some purpose in having it, but I don't know. The grieving process isn't cut and dry; it also isn't the same every time.

On a somewhat unrelated note:

I went in to HCI for my cancer checkup on Thursday. My checkup went well and my health was good. Even my weight was about the same, which I thought was great because I swear I gained 80 pounds in the past four months. The hard part was telling my oncologist about my mother--to inform them of family history regarding cancer. She knew my mother and was shocked to hear about it (my mother was with me for most of my treatments). We talked about my mother's final battle with cancer and how it was effecting me. After meeting with a social worker, on my doctor's request, she (my doc) came back and gave me an assignment. The assignment was to find something that brings me joy in life. I thought of calling an escort service and telling them to send Joy over. Ah-har-har. Really, not joking, this thing my doctor did for me was good. I need joy and I need to feel excited about life. They make pills for that sort of thing, I know. But I don't like going to that park anymore. Maybe I need to just go walkabout.

10 comments:

J. Kwiatkowski-Schuler said...

Grief is hard, exhausting work. Give yourself a raise.

Megan said...

I definitely have no future in hospice or counseling, because I suck at it. While I don't have many comforting words, what I can do is say that I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope things turn around and you truly do have more joy in your life. Or Joy's :)

jason said...

Hey Grunt. I hope all these difficult times will pass in a way that allows you to better heal going forward. I'm glad though, that you're still able to keep your sense of humor. Be well.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, especially the dreams. I remember when I suddenly lost the person closest to me and the disturbing dreams I had afterwards. At times, they had become so horrible and REAL (as in I thought I was able to physically feel and smell things and would wake up feeling as if I had just literally been teleported out of the dream myself) that I was afraid to go to sleep. I think this might have led to the frequent insomnia that I have even now. I wish I could offer some advice on that.

On a more cheerful note, I really love your assignment from the doc! :) I hope that you will find that one thing that brings joy into your life and fully submerge yourself in it! I think the weather should be turning in favor of some awesome explorations...like discovering an old mine or two! ;)

Christielli said...

Okay, the "Joy" joke was priceless. Well played sir. So what is your actual source of joy, or are you figuring it out? Actually, you know what would be awesome? A series of posts where you go do crazy and bizarre things trying to find your joy; like trying a pottery class!

Anyway, I totally get how your mom's loss could make the loss of your sister more painful. I hope the bad dreams stop and you have more of the good dreams.

Glad to hear the bill of health was good.

The Grunt said...

Julie~ Yeah, a raise would be nice.

Megan~ Joys would turn things up for a bit. I've got to think long term.

Jason~ Humor is all I have and it's one of the things that will save me.

O-girl~ I remember you telling me about losing your dear friend. Death is hard, but there's no getting around it. I do hope to do some exploring and find some new spots/mines.

Christielli~ I took three years of ceramics in high school. I learned how to roll joints (theoretical study) and work the kiln. I didn't inhale--had to make sure I could still do the sacrament at church.

Logophile said...

Oh man, I've had some of those dreams, the happy kind,
and some of the not at all in the last year +

Your doc did do a good thing, and get going on your school work like your mama told you.

vera said...

Grunto... <3
I understand, hun... *bear hug*
You're always in my thoughts,
<3 vera

Jules said...

It's definitely not uncommon to be visited by people who have passed on. I have had such visits. They visit you to let you know they're still with you. It's supposed to be comforting. Oddly, though, as soon as you acknowledge them, they go away. At least in my experience. Like a last goodbye. It's beautiful actually.

As for finding joy, a holiday up to Canada would do you some good. You've got friends here who'd love to meet you.. Calgary and Red Deer and wherever else, I'm sure. xo

The Grunt said...

Logo~ I know how heartbreaking it was for you to lose your mom. The dream thing can get to you sometimes. I am looking into going back to school and getting my master's.

Vera~ Yeah, you are another one who gets me. Glad to have you as a Gruntonian.

Jules~ You see dead people? Lol! A trip to Canada would be fun. I have quite a fan base there, right?