Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I'm trying

I never knew that this loss of my sister would be so hard for me. It really takes effort to break out of the grief. I've had some pretty horrible dreams where my parents keep telling me to go find my sister. I tell them that she's dead and they respond that she isn't and that I need to go and find her. When I go and look for her all of the negative aspects of the last few months fill my dream.

The extreme loneliness that comes after the sadness and shock, well, that is something that I never expected to feel. A couple of weeks back I made the mistake of driving by her old apartment building. I looked up at the apartment and saw that it was still empty. I don't know why that messed with me, but it did.

I have had some good things happen. My quarterly checkup with my oncologist was great. I am in good health. I've met some people in the past couple of weeks that freshened my hope a bit. I am forcing myself to play the guitar. Maybe I will write songs again and record, who knows? I guess the old cliche is true: it just takes time.


Sun Follower said...

It's all about the trying because that is the process. Last year when I lost one of my best freidn's I'd find myself reading old texts and e-mails... and sometimes when I was driving home I'd just find myself missing her and sob. It was part of my grieving process then, now I just tear up when I write stuff like this. *hugs*

Jules said...

All I've got for you is a **giant hug**. I'm sure you know how many bloggers' support you have... and if not, you've got mine, for starters. Just allow yourself to start remembering her in the most positive ways. If she comes to visit you, tell her that everything's alright and that she can rest easy knowing you'll be fine in time.

Julie Schuler said...

Sentient beings and time- what a mix. Fucks us all up all the time. You are in my thoughts.

BrettM said...

Thinking about you a lot, cousin. Let me know if you want to meet up in the SLC and catch a film. Jared just moved back and is living up there now.

Jay Ferris said...

Playing and creating music seems to be a really good outlet for you, Grunty. I suggest doing as much of it as possible!

Christielli said...

I like what Sun Follower said it's all about the trying. And I think time will help too. It's still very soon.

Glad that the checkup was great!

Logophile said...

Thinking of you, Grunty.
Loss just sucks.
I've had some awful dreams lately too, I guess it's part of how we process, but it's freaking me out.

mwah! Take care

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