Thursday, November 03, 2011

Please tell me this is normal

So, with the deaths over the past two years of my sister and mother, I tend to expect someone else close to me to kick the bucket. It's not that there is a person in my family that I feel is near death at the moment, but I've gotten used to the idea that death has come closer to me. The reason I bring all of this up is that I have been looking at my dad and wondering when and how it's going to end for him. I wonder if it will be quick or drawn out. I also wonder if it will be me who finds him, how long he will have been dead before someone is to find him, what he'll look like, and if I find him, if I'll be ready. When he and I are around each other I can't help it; he tends to get stuck in these story-telling loops and all I can seem to think about is his mortality. I should be listening to him and taking down all I can of his life.

So, is this abnormal of me to think about? Images of my mother's last moments flash in my head now and again. While I have long accepted her death, those difficult images of her struggle and death remain. Even though I handled her last moments as best as I could, I still don't want to ever go through that experience again. But since my brother and I are the ones taking care of my dad, it is highly probable that it will either be one of us to handle his death and my job to handle the funeral and affairs of my father's estate. I am not ready for this at the moment, but when would I ever be? What a sad apprenticeship I've had helping with the last two family members' deaths. It has been an honor, but not something that I look forward to doing again.

I hope I get a break in this department and more joy all around.


Mayden' s Voyage said...

Long time greetings Matt- I so relate to what you are writing about mom is in stage 4 kidney failure and I'm watching her decline quickly. After losing Paw-paw over the summer (which was a complete surprise) I'm also feeling that "death is closer to me" and dreading the same kind of things. (My sister and I look after her) Who will find her, how will she die, will anyone be there?...sigh. I do think it's all normal, and more so the "dread of death" hangs over us because we've been in the midst of it- up close.

You said you consider it an honor to assist your family, and that is beautiful, but it doesn't change the hardship of what you are dealing with, or what you are facing. I am trying to be extra patient with mom, and trying to accept that each moment I have with her is a gift, even if the moments are sometimes unpleasant and woefully time consuming. I know I will miss her when she's gone. I dread her passing with all my heart. It's hard to balance my gratitude and my dread of what's next- not to mention I'm still dealing with the grief of losing a dearly loved one in August. Sometimes it's all so very difficult. I hope and pray for much joy for you in the coming months.

J. Kwiatkowski-Schuler said...

It's normal. It stinks, but it's normal.

Nessa Roo said...

I think it's "normal" for the psyche to go a bit crazy during times of stress.
After my folks passed away, I kept having vivid dreams that they'd come back from the dead, and argue with me about their rightful place within the Planes of Existence.
I had to take care of my mom's estate, too, and that is not something I'd recommend to anyone, especially if there's no will.

Jules said...

I think that there is no real normal when it comes to how people think about loved ones passing on. I do think that it is normal though, to understand that the aged do pass on and it's best to be real about the possibilities of it so that it doesn't just hit you like a ton of bricks when it does happen. We're all only here for a matter of time. You may not think you'll be strong enough to handle it, but you will be. You will be.
Make a little video of your dad telling his stories. If you're too distracted right now to treasure them, you will have them once he's gone if you capture them on video.
You can't just be sitting there waiting though... don't look at people and expect death. Look to them and appreciate their life.

Christielli said...

I can totally get where you are coming from. I hope you still have a long time left with your dad.

The Grunt said...

Mayden~ Wow, it's been a long time since I heard from you. It's good to know that some of my first batch of bloggies are still checking in on me. Please, as long as I am still kicking around on here, check in once in awhile.

Julie~ Ain't it the truth!

Nessa~ I've had plenty of weird dreams about my sister and mother since they've passed. I like the happy dreams, though.

Jules~ You are right; I need to focus on my dad's life at the moment.

Christielli~ Well, I know that you have your own worries in regards to a parent with health problems. It is hard, but even so I cherish what time I do have with my father.

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OH! that is definitely normal.=D